She chases Bill and Eric out of the room which gives them the perfect chance to talk about the "bull man" who attacked Sookie. Eric says he's never heard of anything like it in a thousand years. Wow I just had a thought, if Eric is 1000-years-old, does that mean he watches Larry King too?
Eric is curious enough about the whole thing to call in his goon squad of Pam and Chow. Pam and Chow are vampires. Pam wears pumps, and Chow...doesn't. Eric sends the Bobbsey twins off to investigate the woods and to get those damned neighbor kids off his lawn.
Bill hears screaming in the other room and when he comes in Granny Sourpuss is pouring some stuff out of a blue bottle into those big honking claw marks on Sookie's back. Then once she gets Bill to hold Sookie down, our little doctor starts scooping these little round dealees out of the wounds. When you match up this scene with the scene last week where Lafayette was digging through the homophobe's body like he was looking for the secret surprise in a box of Cracker Jacks is becomes official that the producers aren't going to be happy until the day I yak up my Sunday dinner.
Meanwhile, back at Merlotte's, Daphne, the world's worst waitress, stops by Sam's office. The good news is Sam is no longer a dog. The bad news is he turns into a raging a-hole when Daphne announces she's 64 dollars and eight cents short. Daphne, if you're reading this post, here's a tip for future reference when you have bad news for Sam, scratch him behind his ears; I hear he loves that.
After Sam finishes yelling at Daphne, the world's worst waitress, Tara walks in and tells Sam he needs to be more supportive and nurturing and Sam snaps at her too. Sam, bad boss, bad! No milkbone for you!
Sam calms down enough to tell Tara Maryann is bad news and she should get away from her. Tara wants to know what Maryann ever did to Sam, but he can't bring himself to mention how she just turned him into a collie, so he just comes off looking like the aforementioned raging a-hole.
Over at Camp HateAVampire, Jason wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream. He rolls his finally honed torso over to go to sleep, and oh snap! Eddie, the lovable gay vampire that Jason's semi-psycho-V-addict girlfriend from the last season killed is in bed with him. (By the way, how often does anyone get to write a sentence like that last one recapping American Idol? Thank you HBO!) Right when Eddie sinks his fangs into Jason, Jason wakes up again.
Yeah, that was the real nightmare; the first part was just a tune up. Jason decides to get in touch with the man upstairs, and he does a little praying. It turns out our little Jason is confused, (you can insert your own cheap joke here) and he's asking God for another sign as to what to do with his life. If I was God I'd think twice about sending signs to Jason Stackhouse, mainly because he'd be signing up for a 24/7 workload, constantly sending signs like, "your underwear is on backwards, again."
Jason does get a sign. His roommate, and new mortal enemy, The Lukeinator, hits Jason in the head with a pillow and tells him to shut his prayhole and go to sleep. Well Jason, what can I tell you? The Lord and the screenwriter work in mysterious ways.
Back at Fangtasia, Pam and Chow get back. They didn't find anything. Well they found human footprints and it smelled like a filthy animal, but no bull men were out in the woods.
Doc CrabbyDepends tell Bill Sookie is okay, and he can give her his vampire blood. Eric slides in and tries to get Bill to let him give Sookie his blood, but Bill isn't having any of that. Bill opens up a vein, and Sookie latches on to it like she is about to do a keg stand.
Eventually when they get Sookie topped off on vampire blood, Bill says that he doesn't want to move Sookie, and Eric is all sure dude, you can leave your girlfriend with me, no problemo buddy. Bill then gets a little hell to the no and says he wants to crash there too. Eric's got a spare coffin in the back and the next thing you know it's a vampire sleepover, with smores and fixing each other's hair.
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Comments (6)
Awesome! I just started watching this show last night, finally, and I'm so happy to see you recapping it here! I haven't even finished the recap yet, but this cracked me up:
"He would have asked Sookie, Tara, Lafayette, Arlene, and the coat rack by the front door, but they've all fallen through for not being around because they got mauled by a minotaur, living with a witch who can turn Sam into a dog, being held hostage by vampires or possibly being turned into a vampire, still getting over the fact they got engaged to a serial murderer at Red Lobster, and/or being an inanimate object."
Ha! Now, other than the bit about Arlene, which I don't get because I don't think I've met her yet since I've only watched 2 eps, that just cracked me up!
Oh, and I think juniper berries are used to make gin or some other type of alcohol, not bouillabaisse (sp?). Then again, you may have already addressed this in your recap but I'm only on page 3.
Off to read some more! Thanks for recapping this.
1 of 6 | Posted by zbird | Posted on July 4, 2009 8:36 AM
Well, I wondered when they were going to make Daphne interesting.
I'm just so happy that you're doing this recap. I like getting other people's opinions of what the f*ck is going on! For such a silly little show, you're right, there's some pretty dang good acting going on.
Thanks again!
2 of 6 | Posted by lirpa | Posted on July 4, 2009 2:51 PM
I love your recaps, Waffleboy. I admit, somewhat sheepishly, that I totally love this show. I was wondering about the juniper as well, but then I started wondering if maybe the thing they were cooking up was the heart of that poor sham of an exorcist lady.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm stuck recapping Rock of Love spin-offs, by the way. Jerk. ;)
3 of 6 | Posted by TheMiki | Posted on July 5, 2009 4:28 PM
Um, I love you Waffleboy, but if you're going to tease us with description of a naked fat guy (whose doodle is almost visible) then I think a screencap of said naked fat guy would be in order. I'm just saying, cheap tawdry thrills are my life.
Great recap, though, and I loved the "Your underwear is on backwards, again." Beauty!
love, J-Mo :)
4 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 6, 2009 12:53 PM
Great job! I am quickly becoming obsessed with this show, and will be sure to keep following your hilarious recaps.
I agree the show's premise could be horribly cheesy if not for the GREAT acting that elevates it above crap like 'Twilight'. Anna Paquin is awesome as always, although I sometimes find Sookie annoying (why would you act so "sassy" around monsters who want to eat you?) Nelsan Ellis should seriously win something for his characterization of Lafayette. The scene where he goes home alone after being being kidnapped is heartbreaking in the way he portrays a tough, badass character so vulnerable and traumatized. The actors who play Jason and Eric are also fantastic. I tune in every week not because the writing is great (it's kind of silly at times) but because the characters are interesting and I want to know more about their backstories.
I do agree some of the 'gore' scenes are BEYOND disgusting - specifically when Eric attacks the guy in the basement, and Sookie gets surgery for the minotaur wounds. I'm hardly the squeamish type but I nearly lost my lunch both times!
5 of 6 | Posted by spinal11 | Posted on July 7, 2009 12:10 PM
Hi everyone, thanks for all the comments
zbird, welcome aboard to what is quite possibly the best vampire show with minotaur attacks and shapeshifting on Sunday nights. Oh, Arlene is a waitress at Merlotte's, who was engaged to Rene last season who ended up killing everyone Jason had sex with. Man, the plot on this show is just so straightforward, huh?
lirpa, your very welcome and thanks for giving me a place to spout off every week. Yeah Daphene is finally getting interesting. I mean aside for being the world's worst waitress to have ever worked at Cracker Barrel.
TheMiki, wow awesome guess for what Maryann was serving up in that pot at the party. I like the way you think.
Oh and just so you know I wasn't belittling anyone who does Rock of Love spinoff recaps. You do a much better job then I ever could. If I was recaping Daisy Of Love, every week would be the same post. Stupid people got drunk. The End.
J-Mo, sorry I left you hanging buddy, but this particular fat guy was about 30 pounds overweight, carrying it all in his gut on top of a pair of spindly legs. He kind of looked like a human comma, not the big boned husky boys who normally turn your head so I didn't think about getting a picture for you. It won't happen again buddy. ;)
spinal11, thanks for that great description of Lafayette coming home. It was a great scene and some of the best acting I've seen on this show. Oh, and I'm looking forward to see what happens to Lafayette this week, seeing as Eric was at his front door in the trailer for the next episode.
Anyway, thanks to everyone for your great comments and we'll talk soon.
6 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 9, 2009 5:53 AM