Tara grouses that maybe Andy should be out trying to catch a murderer (oh yeah, anyone remember that body they found with the big hole in its chest where the heart used to be?) instead of at a party. You know what Tara? Maybe you should be at Merlotte's pouring Bud Light and Vodka cranberries into the local rummies. Let's keep the stone throwing from your glass house to a minimum, okay toots?
Andy takes in the sight of all the boobie flashing, and older unattractive people grinding on each other and making out, but something really catches his eye. That big pig that was with Maryann when she first showed up in town is in this little playhouse. Andy asks what the pig is doing there, but the pig isn't saying anything until it gets lawyered up.
Just then Maryann shows up, and Andy tells her there have been complaints about the noise from the party and Andy wants to know what's the deal with the pig. Maryann is all what you talking about Willis, because when Andy turns back around, the pig is gone. Andy freaks out a little bit, but Maryann gets him to have a drink. Good idea Andy, enforcing the law is always more fun when you've got a buzz going.
Is anyone wondering what is happening at Camp HateAVampire? No? Too bad, because the screenwriter and the director are, so it looks like the rest of us are stuck going along for the ride. Jason is having dinner with the plastic missionaries. Reverend Steve is laying out his philosophy to Jason. It runs along the lines of, sure the bible says it's wrong to hate, but vampires are evil, so hating them is like loving good. Yeah, it's a rich crock of creamery butter, and only someone with a icebox temperature would buy into it...things aren't looking too good for Jason right now, are they?
The Plastic Preacherette shows up with banana pudding for dessert, and Reverend Steve-o makes a crack about how the Plastic Preacherette must really like Jason because she doesn't just whip her pudding out for just anybody. You know what? I've got a sneaking suspicion that statement isn't 100% true.
Jess and Hoyt (Hoyt?) head back to Bill's place. Hoyt says "hey, you have a Wii?" and poor Jess gets this look on her face like "Oh my God, I didn't think this dress was that short! Hoyt explains a Wii is for playing video games and offers to show Jess how to play. He's holding her hand, and Jess starts making out with him (Hoyt?).
Things are getting a little heated, when Jess's fangs just pop out. Jessica is mortified because she can't control it, it just happens, much like a teenaged boy popping a boner. Here's a tip Jess, you better enjoy it while you can because there is a pretty good chance that by the time you turn 50 you'll have to take little blue pills to get that reaction.
Hoyt tells Jess that it's okay, because it's natural and who she is, and he likes her a lot. Hoyt is as dumb as a rutabaga, has the survival skills of a lemming, is quite possibly the most prefect boyfriend ever.
Bill and Sookie drop off Lafayette and drive over to Bill's. On the ride over, Sookie starts moaning about how disillusioned she is because vampires can do evil things, yadda, yadda, yadda. Bill chimes in about how vampires can be good or evil, just like people, and I can't help but notice that when it comes to these two, the less clothes they wear, the more interesting they become, and they are fully clothed right now, so you do the math.
Tara and Eggo are still trying to break the record for longest time spent in a hot tub when suddenly tragedy strikes. A large breasted, naked, licensed massage therapist comes over and slides into the tub. She gives Eggo a massage, but she makes it pretty clear she's an equal opportunity massager. Well despite the offer to pop her back Tara's a little bent out of shape when the licensed massage therapist shows up, mainly because the licensed massage therapist is about a D cup and it's painfully obvious Tara isn't. When will this irrational discrimination against large breasted licensed massage therapists come to an end?
She gets so miffed she starts checking out the party. We've got all sorts of very attractive topless extras running around (Cable neeked, YAY!), people making out all over the place, and a fat drunk guy running through the party without any pants, so we can almost see his doodle.
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Comments (6)
Awesome! I just started watching this show last night, finally, and I'm so happy to see you recapping it here! I haven't even finished the recap yet, but this cracked me up:
"He would have asked Sookie, Tara, Lafayette, Arlene, and the coat rack by the front door, but they've all fallen through for not being around because they got mauled by a minotaur, living with a witch who can turn Sam into a dog, being held hostage by vampires or possibly being turned into a vampire, still getting over the fact they got engaged to a serial murderer at Red Lobster, and/or being an inanimate object."
Ha! Now, other than the bit about Arlene, which I don't get because I don't think I've met her yet since I've only watched 2 eps, that just cracked me up!
Oh, and I think juniper berries are used to make gin or some other type of alcohol, not bouillabaisse (sp?). Then again, you may have already addressed this in your recap but I'm only on page 3.
Off to read some more! Thanks for recapping this.
1 of 6 | Posted by zbird | Posted on July 4, 2009 8:36 AM
Well, I wondered when they were going to make Daphne interesting.
I'm just so happy that you're doing this recap. I like getting other people's opinions of what the f*ck is going on! For such a silly little show, you're right, there's some pretty dang good acting going on.
Thanks again!
2 of 6 | Posted by lirpa | Posted on July 4, 2009 2:51 PM
I love your recaps, Waffleboy. I admit, somewhat sheepishly, that I totally love this show. I was wondering about the juniper as well, but then I started wondering if maybe the thing they were cooking up was the heart of that poor sham of an exorcist lady.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm stuck recapping Rock of Love spin-offs, by the way. Jerk. ;)
3 of 6 | Posted by TheMiki | Posted on July 5, 2009 4:28 PM
Um, I love you Waffleboy, but if you're going to tease us with description of a naked fat guy (whose doodle is almost visible) then I think a screencap of said naked fat guy would be in order. I'm just saying, cheap tawdry thrills are my life.
Great recap, though, and I loved the "Your underwear is on backwards, again." Beauty!
love, J-Mo :)
4 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 6, 2009 12:53 PM
Great job! I am quickly becoming obsessed with this show, and will be sure to keep following your hilarious recaps.
I agree the show's premise could be horribly cheesy if not for the GREAT acting that elevates it above crap like 'Twilight'. Anna Paquin is awesome as always, although I sometimes find Sookie annoying (why would you act so "sassy" around monsters who want to eat you?) Nelsan Ellis should seriously win something for his characterization of Lafayette. The scene where he goes home alone after being being kidnapped is heartbreaking in the way he portrays a tough, badass character so vulnerable and traumatized. The actors who play Jason and Eric are also fantastic. I tune in every week not because the writing is great (it's kind of silly at times) but because the characters are interesting and I want to know more about their backstories.
I do agree some of the 'gore' scenes are BEYOND disgusting - specifically when Eric attacks the guy in the basement, and Sookie gets surgery for the minotaur wounds. I'm hardly the squeamish type but I nearly lost my lunch both times!
5 of 6 | Posted by spinal11 | Posted on July 7, 2009 12:10 PM
Hi everyone, thanks for all the comments
zbird, welcome aboard to what is quite possibly the best vampire show with minotaur attacks and shapeshifting on Sunday nights. Oh, Arlene is a waitress at Merlotte's, who was engaged to Rene last season who ended up killing everyone Jason had sex with. Man, the plot on this show is just so straightforward, huh?
lirpa, your very welcome and thanks for giving me a place to spout off every week. Yeah Daphene is finally getting interesting. I mean aside for being the world's worst waitress to have ever worked at Cracker Barrel.
TheMiki, wow awesome guess for what Maryann was serving up in that pot at the party. I like the way you think.
Oh and just so you know I wasn't belittling anyone who does Rock of Love spinoff recaps. You do a much better job then I ever could. If I was recaping Daisy Of Love, every week would be the same post. Stupid people got drunk. The End.
J-Mo, sorry I left you hanging buddy, but this particular fat guy was about 30 pounds overweight, carrying it all in his gut on top of a pair of spindly legs. He kind of looked like a human comma, not the big boned husky boys who normally turn your head so I didn't think about getting a picture for you. It won't happen again buddy. ;)
spinal11, thanks for that great description of Lafayette coming home. It was a great scene and some of the best acting I've seen on this show. Oh, and I'm looking forward to see what happens to Lafayette this week, seeing as Eric was at his front door in the trailer for the next episode.
Anyway, thanks to everyone for your great comments and we'll talk soon.
6 of 6 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 9, 2009 5:53 AM