It's official. The votes have been cast, the results have been tallied, and the all-Beyoncé musical medley has been performed on stage. Without further ado, we present the winners of the 2005 Golden Gasm Awards, honoring the best and worst of the television landscape.
Our esteemed panel of judges includes the TVgasm staff (B-Side, J-Unit, sg-dub, youcantmakeitup, Kat, copygodd, and EdHill) as well as invited guests from the blogosphere and beyond. They are (in alphabetical order):
- Jake Bronstein, formerly of Road Rules and FHM
- Andy Dehnart of Reality Blurred
- Mark Lisanti of Defamer.com
- Madeyoulaugh, formerly of TVgasm.com
- Paul Scheer of VH1's Best Week Ever
Winners will receive a free dinner at The Olive Garden (redeemable until September 30, 2005) as well as commemorative index cards with their names written on them. We all agree that this is a fantastic deal.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the envelope please...
Most Memorable Moment, Scripted:

- Curtis punches Mandy in the face, 24
- Ari loses everything, Entourage
- Mischa Barton's lesbian kiss, The OC
- Mischa Barton tosses lawn furniture, The OC
- The hatch opens, Lost
- Elizabeth Rohm's surprise lesbian twist, Law & Order
- Rosie O'Donnell portrays a mentally challenged woman, Riding the Bus with My Sister
- "Narm", Six Feet Under
Right out of the gate we had a very tight race. 24 fans pushed hard for Curtis's big smackdown of Mandy, but Rosie prevailed by one vote. sg-dub reasoned, "Gotta give it up for the REAL lesbian in this category - not the two fake ones." Hard to argue with that. Still, that didn't stop Mark Lisanti from giving an impassioned plea for Mischa Barton's lawn furniture jamboree: "Nothing can compare to that singular moment where Mischa Barton unleashed her fury on that unsuspecting deck furniture, then reached impossibly deep into her own soul to let loose that primal scream, that banshee wail, the very sound of God letting the air out of the balloon of Faith through the pinched valve of Coop's anguish." Let's put it this way: it was a great year for scripted disasters.
Most Memorable Moment, Unscripted:

- Jonathan Baker shoves Victoria Fuller, The Amazing Race 6
- Tyra Banks yells at Tiffany, America's Next Top Model: Cycle 4
- Tana gets "crunkified", The Apprentice 3
- Janelle wins Head of Household, yells "Bye Bye Bitches!", Big Brother 6
- Kelly Monaco upsets John O'Hurley, Dancing with the Stars
- Tom Cruise goes nuts, The Oprah Winfrey Show
- Danny's mom dies, The Real World Austin
No surprise here. Tommy boy's rampage blew away the competition, with the closest rival being Danny learning about the death of his mother. It was hard to top the Tom Cruise meltdown. Mark Lisanti called it "a moment that transcends the medium." Paul Scheer commented, "I didn't know if he was going to burst out into song or slice Oprah's throat." And B-Side wrote, "There's something awesomely transfixing about a sexually ambiguous Scientologist jumping on Oprah's couch. Kind of like Niagra Falls. Or a car wreck. Or a car wreck at Niagra Falls." Tom, you may not have an Oscar yet, but at least you've got a Gasm.
Best New Series:

- Battlestar Galactica
- Beauty and the Geek
- Dancing with the Stars
- Desperate Housewives
- Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
- Laguna Beach
- Lost
- Veronica Mars
The votes were pretty mixed for this category. Battlestar Galactica enjoyed some high praise from J-Unit and Paul Scheer, with the former exclaiming, "Robot sex. Yay!" and the latter noting, "Sex, Betrayal, and More Sex. Finally a Sci-Fi Nerd Show that is so Good that even Non Nerds Are Watching, That's a Feat. Suck it Babylon 5." Garnering even more votes was Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, which B-Side called, "Funny, insightful, and full of Star-Jones-bashing. That's all I could ever ask." But the lion's share of the vote went to Lost. Why? According to Mark Lisanti, because "Desperate Housewives is for bitches."
Best Villain:

- Dina Araz, 24
- The Friendship, Big Brother 6
- Jonathan Baker, Amazing Race 6
- Julie Cooper, The OC
- Rob and Amber, Amazing Race 7
- Star Jones, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
- Veronica, Rachel, and Tina, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno 2
- Wendy Pepper, Project Runway
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Comments (42)
wait, are you telling me beau's chocolate pee pee didn't get any honorable mentions? oh sorry, there wasn't a category for "scenes that made me want to burn my own retinas with acid"
1 of 42 | Posted by Beccs98 | Posted on September 16, 2005 10:54 AM
Wait! Janelle won't be able to eat at Olive Garden... She'll be too busy with post-show appearances after she gets out of the house on Tuesday (here's hoping!)! Especially twice! You have to give her an exention on her prize!!
Great work, guys (and ladies)!
2 of 42 | Posted by Lyndsay | Posted on September 16, 2005 11:12 AM
mighty awards folks! dare I hold out hope that a gasm staffer will soon find an oppportunity to present Janey with her index cards over candlelight at the OG? a never-ending pasta bowl...of love from her fans!
3 of 42 | Posted by Matt | Posted on September 16, 2005 11:20 AM
Matt - we can only hope. We can only hope.
4 of 42 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on September 16, 2005 11:25 AM
agree with the results, I just wonder how much different they would have been if held 6 months from now, when we arent within the heat of bb6
5 of 42 | Posted by briansmith | Posted on September 16, 2005 11:54 AM
I actually left comments on a television blog (tvgasm) about a show (BB6), and I never do that.
6 of 42 | Posted by Princess Sparkle Pony | Posted on September 16, 2005 12:29 PM
It rubs the lotion on its skin.
Come on, you people are supposed to be experts.
Otherwise, I am with you apart from your blatant disregard for the show Cheaters, the best show ever to grace the tv.
7 of 42 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on September 16, 2005 1:13 PM
Wow, awards in which tired shows like Will and Grace fail to pick up any nominations, while the likes of Carolyn, Janelle, and Shohreh get their due. If only the Emmy Awards were so perceptive!
8 of 42 | Posted by ashes | Posted on September 16, 2005 1:33 PM
Speaking as the person who recapped Kill Reality, I admit I did hate it, But I voted for Battle of the Network Reality Stars instead because boring beats out disgusting any day.
and for all you Tyra Banks fans out there, theres a porn star lookalike:
http://entertainment.myway.com/celebgossip/pgsix/id/09_12_2005_6.html
9 of 42 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 16, 2005 1:59 PM
I watched BONeRS (hee hee) in the middle of the night (thanks, insomnia) this week. I now have to add "overweight male reality 'stars' in speedos belly flopping into the pool" to the list of contenders for the new category of "scenes that made me want to burn my own retinas with acid" proposed by Beccs98 in post #1.
10 of 42 | Posted by callygirl | Posted on September 16, 2005 2:20 PM
Big Brother eww.
such potential in all of the nominees and you picked big brother for them all.
11 of 42 | Posted by thoy | Posted on September 16, 2005 5:53 PM
Seriously? Tom Cruise gets way too much play out of that scene. And not to take away from Big Brother's golden gasm rake-in, I just gotta go with "Bye, Bye Bitches" as one of the all time reality highs. I so "kelly" that Janelle!
12 of 42 | Posted by willintherace | Posted on September 16, 2005 6:07 PM
J-Unit's boner aside (and that's the only time I'll ever say that), Dawn f-ing rules. I think The 70's House was better than this year's Real World (I despise Wes).
13 of 42 | Posted by jt | Posted on September 16, 2005 6:57 PM
I'm glad EdHill's practicing his British accent, but Phil Keoghan's a Kiwi. You know, New Zealand? It's in that other hemisphere. They talk funny there too.
14 of 42 | Posted by justwatchme | Posted on September 17, 2005 8:34 AM
Constantine is most annoying male? What about JONATHAN BAKER???!?!?!?
15 of 42 | Posted by Shawn | Posted on September 17, 2005 12:43 PM
This is why I love you guys.
16 of 42 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on September 17, 2005 12:55 PM
Justwatchme, EdHill said he yells "bloody risotto" in a British accent because of G-Ram of Hell's Kitchen, not for Phil. Any reality fan (and I would have to assume EdHill falls squarely in that category!) knows that Phil, in addition to being a Choo-Choo Charlie, is a Kiwi. But G-Ram is most definitely British, and that dish looks like Dewberry's dog's dinner.
17 of 42 | Posted by callygirl | Posted on September 17, 2005 1:57 PM
I'd like to see a judge's ruling on whether Tom Cruise's appearance on Oprah, or anything he's done since he fell in love, is "unscripted".
18 of 42 | Posted by mediumdog | Posted on September 17, 2005 7:26 PM
I completely agree with both willintherace (#12) and mediumdog (#18). Tom Cruise beating anyone in any category of the Golden Gasms (or anywhere else for that matter) is a travesty. "Bye Bye Bitches" will live on in reality infamy!!
19 of 42 | Posted by graceintherace | Posted on September 17, 2005 9:36 PM
"He's a class act and a real Choo-Choo Charlie."
heh. one of the best molly shannon lines ever.
20 of 42 | Posted by hugh | Posted on September 19, 2005 6:17 PM
For most annoying female, I can't believe you didn't mention the fat African-American girl on my Super Sweet Sixteen, who was actually the most annoying person I've ever seen on any television show in my life.
21 of 42 | Posted by Amber Busser | Posted on September 19, 2005 6:39 PM
I agree with many of the "winners." Janelle and Kaysar were great on BB. Down with the Nerd Herd!!
But Constantine? C'mon!!! He made American Idol fun to watch!!
22 of 42 | Posted by Patti | Posted on September 19, 2005 6:49 PM
"Bye, Bye Bitches!" t-shirts on sale now! Gotta love Janelle! She's a star!
23 of 42 | Posted by Sandy | Posted on September 19, 2005 8:26 PM
Whatever you haters, I love Constantine. Moving on, I love the love you give "24"! I could watch Jack Bauer break bad-guy bones for 10 more seasons. Yeahhhhhhhh.
Um, also, who watches Big Brother?
24 of 42 | Posted by Katie | Posted on September 19, 2005 10:10 PM
you got this so right....i thought i was out of control when i fell for the pairing of christopher and adrian. but that's before i met kaysar and janie.
love everything about them, especially that they bring out the absolute best in each other. i could watch them for hours....oh, wait....i did watch them for hours....
what's good about big brother? try the internet, kids. it's this new thing that let's you see beyond the producers' editing.
big brother is the best reality show bc the live feeds give you more reality than show.
25 of 42 | Posted by kaysar_and_janie | Posted on September 20, 2005 6:18 AM
I totally agree. Not only does America love Janie, Trinidad loves her too. You however left out Cappy from Most annoying male.
26 of 42 | Posted by Juliet | Posted on September 20, 2005 6:47 AM
How did Lost not even get nominated for best scripted series? That was the best show on TV last season, in my opinion (though I was glad to see 24 get the win from the choices listed).
I was quite happy to see Ivette win Most Annoying Female. If you only saw the TV show, you didn't get to see how mean-spirited, evil and racist she came across on the internet feed. She was an embarrassment for all Cuban-Americans.
27 of 42 | Posted by LouP | Posted on September 20, 2005 7:40 AM
Finally. A publication that recognizes Big Brother. Totally agree with the post recommending the live feeds. Thats what reality is all about. *sigh* Another summer spent inside.
28 of 42 | Posted by isitseptemberalready? | Posted on September 20, 2005 8:38 AM
I so agree with this. The Emmy's so completely missed the mark... they get into habits and continue to give awards to shows just cause of the habit. These were real awards!!! And I agree that Constantine was awful... arrogance is not attractive. And Go Janelle!!!
29 of 42 | Posted by SuzieQ | Posted on September 20, 2005 9:22 AM
Spot on. Um, except for the fact that YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOMINATE "Chaotic" as the worst show on TV. My eyes are still bleeding, people.
30 of 42 | Posted by jiggavegas | Posted on September 20, 2005 10:19 AM
Worst reality series spin-off: Rob and Amber Get Married! What a waste of airwaves.
31 of 42 | Posted by Laurie-Anne | Posted on September 20, 2005 10:19 AM
Jiggavegas --
You're right. That was a major oversight.
32 of 42 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on September 20, 2005 10:22 AM
You forgot BEING BOBBY BROWN!
In the words of Whitney, "Hell to the no!"
33 of 42 | Posted by EWex | Posted on September 20, 2005 11:29 AM
Why no Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls in the Best Actress running? Talk about a big Emmy snub!
34 of 42 | Posted by Josh | Posted on September 20, 2005 2:25 PM
I agree with Mark Lisanti, Mischa was robbed!
35 of 42 | Posted by Joe B | Posted on September 20, 2005 4:28 PM
BB6 deserves everything it gets for giving us two of the all time greatest reality stars (Kaysar & Janelle) and the best rivalry of the year (Janelle Vs. Ivette and NH). LOVE Kaysar and Janelle! I want to see more of them, I want them on their own reality show, seriously. I must add that I LOVED Constantine, he made American Idol this year. Your comments on him were awful, but I'll overlook it since I agree with most everything else you guys write. And where can I get a Bye Bye Bitches t-shirt? I want one! That was CLASSIC, it's right up there with Sue Hawk's rat and snake speech in my opinion. Janelle was TV gold. LOVE HER. She really needs her own show.
36 of 42 | Posted by Kelly | Posted on September 21, 2005 1:52 AM
I too would get in line to get a Bye Bye Bitches t-shirt. Thank you for your BB6 winners. You are right on, except I agree that Cappy should be most annoying male EVER! The Nerd Herd are the biggest group of rejects ever on TV. Johnny Fairplay would fit in with them just fine. Oh, and Jen would win for Biggest B in history. Thanks for getting it right.
37 of 42 | Posted by Sandy | Posted on September 23, 2005 6:55 AM
Thanks for mentioning the 2nds and 3rds too.
38 of 42 | Posted by is | Posted on September 27, 2005 1:07 PM
here's the sites for the t-shirts:
http://www.cafepress.com/lunachicks/847217
http://www.cafepress.com/realitychicks
http://www.cafepress.com/realitytvchicks
39 of 42 | Posted by AJ | Posted on September 27, 2005 4:26 PM
BB6 was the best BB yet Kudos to Janelle for being so popular. She was the one I stereotyped going in and she was the one that surprised me the most!!!!!
40 of 42 | Posted by Laura | Posted on September 27, 2005 7:14 PM
It must be a relief for contestants of Big Brother 7 to know that at least a handful of people are willing to waste their time on that garbage tv.
41 of 42 | Posted by ray burns | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:40 AM
Love BB! The best season ever!
Can't wait for Janie & Kaysar to make more money than the nerd-herd! Oh ya I just got my bye bye bitches t-shirt! love it, going to wear it in Vegas, hopefully maggot & crappy will see me! hehehe
42 of 42 | Posted by mara | Posted on September 28, 2005 9:17 AM