Greg

We start off with Greg. He's the leader of these dolts, and as douchebags go, he's probably the least offensive. He doesn't seem all that bright, but compared to the rest of these idiots, he shows the most promise of having what I like to call a "thought process." When he's not sporting an ever so trendy trucker hat to match his ever so trendy Beard of Patchiness, Greg passes his time trying to get his new club, Casablanca, off the ground. What's that, you say? How does a youngin' like Greg have his own club? Well, that's part of the fun of the show! All these guys are highly successful upstarts (who probably benefited from the deep pockets of MTV). Anyway, Greg's biggest worry on the premiere was making sure opening night of Casablanca was off the hook. To ensure bodies, he told everyone under the sun that it would be open bar, but unfortunately, he kind of forgot to tell the stodgy British investor (who we all know is the real guy running the venue). Turns out open bar was a big no-no (a cheap Brit? Why I never!) and now Greg was in biiiiig trouble! Not even the latest ensemble from Urban Outfitters could get him out of this one!

Chris

Chris is Greg's older brother and the lead singer of The Prom Kings, a rock band that's just on the cusp of making it big (read: cluttering up the radio with wannabe Sugarcult tunes). To help make the opening of Casablanca 'uge, Chris and the PKs were supposed to play at Greg's club, but then two days before, Chris decided he wanted to go back to Arkansas so he could get a little huntin' and fishin' in before the season ended. Insert banjo twang here. This led to the most interesting scene of the pilot: the two brothers arguing over what was more important -- real world responsibilities or shewtin' possums down by Ol' Hickory Creek. Of course, like any classic Edward Albee production, this fight revealed deep, dark undercurrents of the brothers' relationship as we learned that Chris was sick of his lil' brother bossing him around, dang gummit! He's been on this Earth longer! The whole thing ended with Greg looking like he wanted to cry (awesome), and we were left to wonder: would Chris be true to his word and be back from Arkansas in time for the big club gig???

Cipes.

It's always sad when you're the biggest idiot in a troop of idiots, but such is the case with Cipes, someone so dumb, it immediately feels like an act (which it very well may be). Speaking in a high pitch voice that surely sent America scrambling for the mute button, Cipes first dazzled us with his metaphysical theories on water condensation. I don't remember the specifics, but he said something about how important it was to write things like "I love you" on the side of a glass because then the words would intertwine with the molecules and then something else dumb would happen. It made no sense and was clearly the product of pot, fetal alcohol syndrome, and chronic Baby-Cipes-dropping. Aside from this gripping insight into the world of supernatural water vapors, Cipes didn't offer much else to America. He did, however, save the day for Greg. Turns out that Chris didn't return from Arkansas as promised, which meant that the Prom Kings simply could not go on stage at Casablanca! Luckily, Cipes had his own reggae band, and they all just happened to be at the club, and they all just happened to be ready to take the stage and perform instead. And by "perform," I mean "lipsynch" to a prerecorded track. Memo to MTV: we can tell the difference between live audio and looped in studio cuts.

Frankie