Afterwards, the two guys discussed the forthcoming Vivid pool party, and while Cipes was as excited as can be, Whitman was reticent. "We go to every Hollywood party, and it's just like all the same thing," he said as a mournful violin played in my head. Poor, poor Whitman. Like a latter day Gatsby, I say! Yes, apparently Whitty has gone to one party after another, but he still hasn't found one girl that he actually cares about. Here's an idea: stop going to douchebag Hollywood parties with your douchebag friends. Maybe then all the girls you meet won't be such, you know, douchebags.
Elsewhere in America, Chris was busy being introspective -- or at least staring at a river. It was intensely moving. And by "moving," I mean "laughable." The next morning, it was time for the Carney fam to go to church, which meant that Chris had to put on his Sunday best. It also meant that we saw his bedroom, which seemed less "rocker" and more "Trading Spaces Was Here." It had Hildi Santo-Tomas written all over it.
Anyway, the gang headed off to church, which allowed for the producers to have a little fun with the whole Saints vs. Sinner theme of the episode. We spent the next several minutes cutting back and forth between the Pastor's sermon and the Vivid pool party in the Hills. After the producers had sufficiently made their point, we hung out at the party for a hot second to see how poor, tormented, misunderstood Whitman was faring. He had firmly ensconced himself in the corner, and joining him was none other than a pretty girl named Shayne (who MTV commercials would later reveal to be LORENZO LAMAS'S daughter!!! Awesome!). Anyway, these two kindred blockheads immediately connected, especially after Whitman's ever-so-smooth opening line, "You're not a porn star, are you?" To think that anyone would be so brazen to the spawn of Lamas!
If Jessica Biel and Goldilocks had a lovechild...
Well, the two bonded over pineapple banter; although, their special moment was occasionally interrupted by Ty, who proved himself to be the most annoying person at the party. Imagine Beau from Big Brother 6 times ten. SHUT UP.
"Look at me! I'm annoying! WEEEEE!!!!"
We then headed back to Arkansas where The Family Carney gathered at the altar and prayed to Jesus. This resulted in tears for troubled Chris, and for half a second, the show seemed to be slightly moving. But then we went to commercial, and when we returned, it was back to silliness as usual. In a turn of events that probably surprised no one, Greg managed to contact Chris's lawyer, who told him that Chris needn't go to jail. He merely had to serve probation and do a little community service, the latter of which hopefully involved beating up his little Twentyfourseven posse.
Greg immediately called up Whitman, who was hanging out at Cipes' condo, and for a brief moment, we had an exciting glimpse into the rarely-seen world of the Cipes/Whitman music-making tandem. It was like a masterclass of sonorous glory! Greg relayed the wonderful news about Chris's unlikely probation, and then a plane-ride later, we were back in L.A.. Chris and Greg returned to their house, and when they opened the door... SURPRISE!!! Everyone was there to welcome back Chris. Yay!! You got a DWI!!! CONGRATS!!!
And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. This was more than the seven dolts we normally follow. All their hangers-on were there too, which was impressive because at heart, the cast of this show are hangers-on as well. So who was hanging onto who? At last, the semiotic simulacrum comes to MTV!
Anyway, as the party raged on, we found Ty talking to some girl on the couch. She alluringly invited him to come over to her house and cook for her, causing him to respond, "Let's cook Thai food." Of course, the pun then dawned on him, and he added, "TY FOOD!!!" This was then followed by self-satisfied laughter, which once again reaffirmed our beliefs that he was, in fact, a douchebag.
Meanwhile, outside, Chris held court as he detailed his crazy arrest to his riveted friends. Unfortunately, Greg had to ruin everything by showing up and mocking, "Hey, I went to jail. Let's throw a party for me!" Hey, shut your Tennessee Williams angst up and enjoy yourself.
"Tell me more! Tell me more! Did you boot in a pail? Tell me more! Tell me more! Did you get raped in jail?!"
Next week, Lorenzo Lamas! What did you think about this episode? What about the show?
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Comments (21)
man, oh man...what an EXCELLENT re-cap for a fucking LAME show!
There were alot of things that made no sense to me in this ep:
Good point about the parents not paying the bail...what was that all about? Like lil' bro is some big baller in LA and he's the ONLY ONE who has the cash. Pullllease.
Although...I did think the parents were very cute. Too bad their sons are douchebags.
The whole "let me call your lawyer to see about getting you out" thing was fishy as hell. I work for the court system (Not in Arkansas, but I would imagine it's pretty much the same everywhere) but there's no way you can settle on probation 2 days after getting out of jail. You gotta go to trial, or sign an agreement with the DA's. Then the Judge has to agree to THAT. The whole damn process takes at least 6-7 months. And what? Chris doesn't even have the balls to talk to his own lawyer? Also, not to mention the charges...they seemed pretty serious. Beating up 3 guys? Drving drunk? Going after the cops? Dayyym.
The final straw was the party at the end. Yeah, he sure learned his lesson alright. And what a bunch of fucking losers for giving their friend a party like that.
OH YEAH! one more comment....what the hell is with Whitman's hair? It looks like he was peer pressured like hell to get that haircut...doesnt' really seem to fit him at all!
PS....god I love this show. LOL
1 of 21 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on December 14, 2006 5:29 PM
B-side, you're on fire this week! I must admit this show is painful to watch...the guys aren't even fun to look at...but the recap is great!
Best screencaps of the week!
So one of these guys dates Haley Duff? She freely admits to this?
2 of 21 | Posted by tvjoneser
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Posted on December 14, 2006 5:30 PM
I highly doubt he actually went to jail. Someone pointed out in the last recap that Chris' hair miraculously grew long enough to form a faux hawk in the span of 2 days. I also wondered why he wouldn't call his parents to bail him out.. although I know that if I were put in jail, I'd call my brother before my parents too.
SERIOUSLY.. I hated Ty on Even Stevens and I dislike him even more now. IMDB states that he was also in Material Girls with Hil and Haylie Duff. I see the connection now: Haylie = Greg's girlfriend, Ty = Greg's friend.
The girl that Ty was talking to on the couch is also an actress.. she was in "My Wife and Kids" and of course.. "You Got Served." Gotta love these quasi stars hamming it up for MTV.
3 of 21 | Posted by IJustWatch
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Posted on December 14, 2006 5:47 PM
Well, you've convinced me, B-Side. I must start watching this show.
4 of 21 | Posted by T-Bag
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Posted on December 14, 2006 9:08 PM
this has to be one of the most infuriating shows, but of course i'll be watching it...
'Surprisingly, he did not present a Monopoly card to the police officers'
f-in classic b-side
5 of 21 | Posted by GuiltyPleasure
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Posted on December 14, 2006 10:10 PM
As someone from Arkansas, I have to say I am saddened by how crappy the state's contributions to the reality tv genre have been. What are they? Well the first season of The Simple Life was filmed in Arkansas (actually about 25 miles away from where I went to college), there was Team Mojo from the Amazing Race, and now these two douchebags. Thanks, MTV!
6 of 21 | Posted by jumpedcut
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Posted on December 15, 2006 12:13 AM
I haven't finished reading this recap yet, but I just had to stop for a second to say.....
B-SIDE, I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Back to the recap......
7 of 21 | Posted by LuvzSunshine
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Posted on December 15, 2006 7:16 AM
Myrtle's the lucky one on this show.
8 of 21 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on December 15, 2006 8:03 AM
Does anyone know if this show is going to be showing on MTV canada?? After reading this I really want to watch it but I only get MTV canada!!
9 of 21 | Posted by coleejohns
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Posted on December 15, 2006 9:39 AM
lorenzo lamas alone will make me start watching and not just reading. he's a c-list legend!
10 of 21 | Posted by molls
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Posted on December 15, 2006 9:53 AM
OMG B-side! I almost peed my pants when I read "I choked a prostitued named Myrtle last night"
These guys are the biggest losers I have ever seen, but your recap makes it worth watching.
You're the best!
11 of 21 | Posted by dsher
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Posted on December 15, 2006 12:01 PM
OMG B-side! I almost peed my pants when I read "I choked a prostitued named Myrtle last night"
These guys are the biggest losers I have ever seen, but your recap makes it worth watching.
You're the best!
12 of 21 | Posted by dsher
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Posted on December 15, 2006 12:03 PM
I caught the last half of this ep earlier tonight. This show is so totally contrived, and poorly at that!
13 of 21 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on December 16, 2006 7:09 PM
This show sucks Twentyfourseven.
The recap makes watching the show worthwhile.
Thanks b-side.
hb
14 of 21 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on December 17, 2006 8:02 AM
Hasn't Ty been in stuff, mainly commercials? I know I've seen him before...ah yes IJustWatch..Even Stevens! haha, quality ham right there.
I LOVE your description of Cipes, dead-on. I was wondering myself why no one mentioned that the cartilage thing was obviously a placebo. But I guess none of them knows what that is.
I watched a few eps of this over the weekend, after a marathon of Rob & Big (which I love by the way) and got quite a kick out of it.
15 of 21 | Posted by tigereye
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Posted on December 18, 2006 8:55 AM
OMG B-Side that prostitute comment is just wrong! I liked it when Greg would be Debbie Downer and threw out a comment everytime Chris forgot he was just in jail. He's definitely the most rational of the bunch.
16 of 21 | Posted by couchpotato
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Posted on December 18, 2006 2:49 PM
Shayne is the love-child of Jessica Biel and Torrie Wilson.
This show sucks, it's so obviously staged, but I know i'll keep watching.
17 of 21 | Posted by CTVampSlayer
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Posted on December 18, 2006 2:52 PM
18 of 21 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on December 19, 2006 4:54 AM
This is the lamest, most ridiculous show to ever hit MTV. Of course I watch it...
A few things - I believe that Cipes was referring to a movie that's in the works about the girl who was a shark in her past life - not an actual story - I can't figure out which idiotic story worries me more...
Also - did anyone else notice that Shayne was talking like a porn star? "I don't usually take strangers' pineapples".... What a ho.
One more thing - I thought it was absolutely ridiculous that everyone threw Chris a party for going to jail. It's like a Heroin addict being locked up for shooting up on the street and his friends welcome him home with a syringe and a spoon.... Fucking retarded douchebags... what will they think of next?
19 of 21 | Posted by YouWannaBMe
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Posted on December 19, 2006 8:34 AM
I haven't seen this show.
Is it really worth watching?
20 of 21 | Posted by JerseyLove
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Posted on December 19, 2006 9:53 PM
NO!
21 of 21 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on December 20, 2006 5:50 AM