I like to brag to my family about myself in hopes that my Nanny and Poppy will decide once and for all that I'm their favorite grandchild, so I told them about the show and my recaps. Oh, and I may have added that I am the next Walter Cronkite. When they said they would watch I implored them, "No, NO! Save yourself, wait for the recaps!" But they would not heed my warning. Five minutes into the show I received an influx of text messages saying things like, "Definitely the worst show ever. I am going to sleep." And, "This isn't journalism! You are a liar and a fraud, don't' come home for Christmas!" Who needs em, gasmii? I have a new family now, and they're The Two Coreys!
In case you've forgotten, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were teen heartthrobs before I could walk (I was a late bloomer, tee-hee!) and are now totally worthless. Haim is living with Feldman and his wife (while their two-year-old son wanders the streets selling his body for food and shelter, btw) in hopes that he can jumpstart his life. Can these two former heartthrobs, and a wife, live together without being investigated by child services?
This week's episode is centered around Haim's love life. The Coreys are playing pool in what appears to be a teen-Feldman mausoleum while they discuss a plan for getting Haim some action. They go back and forth until Feldman says, "Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get you laid, we go for." Hey, Corey, that's really sweet and all, but I don't think hiring Haim a prostitute is going to help anybody. Except maybe the prostitute- once they get on a celebrity they can increase their rates 20%! I know because I... read it... somewhere. I bet they could get like, 10% for Haim. If they lie and say it was Feldman.
"Okay, be honest: do you like my hair better long or short?"
As the discussion continues, they get into all of Haim's ex-girlfriends and start a harrowing game of what I like to call "Drop That Name!" Turns out Scott Baio introduced Haim to one of his former loves. OMG, McSteeny, did you hear that?! We're practically sisters!
Haim continues to lament the fact that he has no way to meet women because, according to him, he doesn't go to bars anymore. Now that, my friend, is a blatant lie. I know, because I saw him at a bar myself just last week.
Although this probably shouldn't count...
Feldman tells Haim maybe he should try another method of meeting girls. You know, one that doesn't involve saying "Hey, wanna do a Lost Boy?" or "I've got a License to Drive, you've got a license to get freaky" to anything with lady parts that bumps into you while you wait for your 7&7 (he would drink those). Feldman suggests speed dating, to which Haim balks "would you do that?" No, Corey, he's married. And even if he weren't, he still wouldn't do it. Because he's not desperate.
The Feldmans and Haim are in the kitchen talking about speed dating as Susie checks the boys' tickets. Oh, wait, they're not getting on a train, it's just another one of Susie's indoor hats. Don't judge her; she'll wear whatever she choo-choo-chooses (HA! I slay me).
All aboard!
Haim ultimately decides to go ahead and give speed dating a try. See, ladies? THIS is why I don't do speed dating. Because in addition to all the total freakazoids that are out there, you may just run into Corey Haim. And while vomit-induction is acceptable in times of stress, holiday gorging, and general fatness, I really could do without it while trying to meet my soul mate in 7 minutes or less. Luckily for this particular batch of fine lasses, the predetermined amount of time is 4 minutes. Turns out 4 minutes is all anyone can stand with Corey Haim (at least that's what my Poppy tells me).
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Comments (13)
"Corey, sweetie, lets not forget you're speed dating. Beggars can't be choosers."
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously...
1 of 13 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins
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Posted on August 16, 2007 12:54 PM
If not sister's Pachita, then DEFINITELY distant cousins!!
Bravo on the recap! I love. You've got two fabu readers (Shaz and K) reading your stuff. They will love this! Treat them well.
You said Capital Grille- tell me my long lost sister lives in Manhattan... if so we MUST schedule a Tvgasm Newbie happy hour...
2 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny
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Posted on August 16, 2007 1:03 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
3 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:47 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
4 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:50 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
5 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:52 PM
Ah! Sorry about the triple post. To make it up, I'll just let you know that your homeless person story had me cracking up!
6 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:59 PM
A truly funny recap is one that makes me laugh despite not having watched the show itself. I haven't watched "Two Coreys" once, nor do I plan to. I do plan however on continuing to read these recaps. It used to be the same with B-Side's "Hills" recaps...
7 of 13 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins
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Posted on August 16, 2007 4:42 PM
Thanks guys, color me flattered! Jiggabins - I know exactly what you mean, I used to read ALL of B-Sides recaps!
McSteeny - born and raised in NY, currently living in Chi! I'll be back for a visit in September and am all about a Newbie Happy Hour!
8 of 13 | Posted by Pachita
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Posted on August 17, 2007 9:55 AM
"You guys are assholes"...I am still laughing at that! I think you probably could have made that the entire recap...but I appreciate you not going that.
Great recap! Keep em coming!
9 of 13 | Posted by Remy11
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Posted on August 17, 2007 10:20 AM
"Beggars can't be choosers. Except for that homeless man who denied my leftovers from Capital Grille. He was the choosiest beggar I've ever met." Oooooh, that one had me rolling. Fabulous recap, Pachita! You and McSteeny must have been separated at birth.
This show is so poorly "scripted" (oh wait, it's reality TV, right??*wink*), I'm always waiting for some 60's Laugh-In type sound effects to be played after the "writer's" (again, *wink*) provide unoriginal dialogue and scenarios. Ugh. Haim is willing to leave that chica in England because no one else in Hollywood was asking to revieve his stillborn career. Media whore that he is, of COURSE he'd walk away from "love" and rush to the A&E offices.
Sorry for all the ""'s...I'm in a weird mood today. Breathlessly waiting for your recap on SYTYCD season finale!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by Shaz
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Posted on August 17, 2007 2:31 PM
my two year-old has a knack of coming upstairs to sleep in my bed on sunday nights. her internal clock is set to 10:10pm, so that doesn't leave much one-on-one corey/mommy time. (and i of course turn the tv off because exposing an innocent mind to these "heartthrobs" would most assuredly land me in jail). luckily, pachita scooped it all brilliantly and i might even dodge this episode if i'm lucky.
one thing i did manage to see was that completely UNSTAGED 'we're about to have sex' scene that haim crashed. um...so haim walking in on you and your wife lying on the bed is awkward, but the cameraman 6 feet away from you popping rollos into his mouth and looking at his watch is par for the course? *shudder*
if anyone is lucky enough to actually have been too young when the coreys had their heyday, let me sum it up for you:
corey haim: hot
corey feldman: kinda creepy in a grandpa munster/michael jackson kind of way. total sidekick material
mid 30's drug bloat takes out another tiger beat hottie.
did i actually hear haim say he met the british girl while he was overseas doing some sort of promotion for lost boys? i'm willing to bet a cool $20 that this guy still wears a swatch watch while jamming to some glass tiger in his car.
11 of 13 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on August 17, 2007 6:52 PM
Awesome recap, I laughed throughout the whole thing. And I also don't actually watch this show but your excellent recaps are more than enough.
12 of 13 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on August 18, 2007 7:30 PM
I feel vindicated on crushing on Corey Feldman instead of Haim as a kid despite furious taunting.
Have to say, still not that much of a step up...
*hangs head in shame*
13 of 13 | Posted by redhaiku
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Posted on August 20, 2007 11:04 PM