Haim takes a unique and, I would imagine, super effective approach to speed dating by telling each girl what he isn't looking for. He ends up ranting about not wanting to get involved with actresses because they're fake and materialistic. Corey, sweetie, lets not forget you're speed dating. Beggars can't be choosers. Except for that homeless man who denied my leftovers from Capital Grille. He was the choosiest beggar I've ever met. So infuriated was I (he just would not hear how delish the tilapia was), and so fast-acting were the Stoli-Doli's I had imbibed, that I found myself throwing the leftovers to the ground and stomping on them as I screamed "fine, FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY. HAVE FUN EATING OUT OF A DUMPSTER WHILE I BURN $50'S FOR FUN!!" I don't know why I said that. I've never even seen a fifty dollar bill, let alone had one to burn. It was a low-point in my life... anger-management came shortly thereafter... I don't really want to talk about it.
Back at Chez Feldman, the power couple is having sexy parties all over the place. Except they weren't. Haim bursts into their bedroom and they are both fully clothed (blast!), lying on their sides facing the door. On the list of things they were NOT doing, nudie fun time is #1. Strange, it seems they were almost awaiting Haim's interruption. That can't be, though, this is reality TV! There's no scripting in Two Coreys, right? RIGHT?!
Rated G. So the kids can watch, too!
Outside, the Feldmans are taking Roy for a walk and discussing their lack of a sex life. Susie says she just isn't comfortable doing the deed with Corey in the house because he keeps barging in on them. Sorry, broseph, she just doesn't like you like that.
When they get home, Haim tells them he is going to the park with someone he met online. Oh my gosh, this is like a Lifetime Sunday afternoon special in the making! I'm sure it would be titled something cleverly ambiguous like, I Met Him on the Internet. Why in gods name would you meet up with a stranger from the internet? You could find yourself face to face with, well, Corey Haim! And the list of ways I will never try to meet people gets longer.
Haim gets to the... I'm not even sure what one would call such a place. It's not so much a park as it is an indoor field. Literally, I thought it was an ice rink at first. It wasn't until I had about 7 pages of chemistry equations written out trying to remember the lab where we turned ice green and fuzzy that I realized it was grass.
Ohh, its TWO grams of Sodium Biphosphate! Silly Pachita!
It turns out that Webgirl is actually kind of cute and they are at the fuzzy ice rink to play Frisbee! Could someone explain the appeal of Frisbee to me? I just don't get why people have such a blast throwing a plastic disc around. Maybe I'm just jealous. I can't throw a single thing without breaking something. Seriously, I bought the dog a rubber ball once and within an hour had single-handedly broken 3 of our 4 lamps . The regulars at the park even made me sign an agreement saying I would no longer throw tennis balls around because I was constantly nailing people with them (totally on accident, I swear)!
Back at the house, Feldman is playing video games while Susie folds laundry. Ooh, kinky! This inevitably turns into a makeout party. I really should refrain from eating for at least 8 hours before the show. Susie stops Corey just as the plane is taking off to say she's going to brush her teeth. HA! Feldman looks super dejected and goes back to his video game.
Things are really starting to heat up between Haim and Webgirl, and she's even started to lose some clothes! Don't worry, they're not "sealing the deal", it's just getting warm out on the ice. She asks Haim why he needs to get dates on the internet and he tells her it's because he lost a bet. LOL, Corey Haim, LOL. What a (hilarious) jerk! The girl has a really pained look that tells me it's not the first time a first date has given her a proverbial slap in the face.
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Comments (13)
"Corey, sweetie, lets not forget you're speed dating. Beggars can't be choosers."
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously...
1 of 13 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins
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Posted on August 16, 2007 12:54 PM
If not sister's Pachita, then DEFINITELY distant cousins!!
Bravo on the recap! I love. You've got two fabu readers (Shaz and K) reading your stuff. They will love this! Treat them well.
You said Capital Grille- tell me my long lost sister lives in Manhattan... if so we MUST schedule a Tvgasm Newbie happy hour...
2 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny
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Posted on August 16, 2007 1:03 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
3 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:47 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
4 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:50 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
5 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:52 PM
Ah! Sorry about the triple post. To make it up, I'll just let you know that your homeless person story had me cracking up!
6 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
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Posted on August 16, 2007 2:59 PM
A truly funny recap is one that makes me laugh despite not having watched the show itself. I haven't watched "Two Coreys" once, nor do I plan to. I do plan however on continuing to read these recaps. It used to be the same with B-Side's "Hills" recaps...
7 of 13 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins
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Posted on August 16, 2007 4:42 PM
Thanks guys, color me flattered! Jiggabins - I know exactly what you mean, I used to read ALL of B-Sides recaps!
McSteeny - born and raised in NY, currently living in Chi! I'll be back for a visit in September and am all about a Newbie Happy Hour!
8 of 13 | Posted by Pachita
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Posted on August 17, 2007 9:55 AM
"You guys are assholes"...I am still laughing at that! I think you probably could have made that the entire recap...but I appreciate you not going that.
Great recap! Keep em coming!
9 of 13 | Posted by Remy11
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Posted on August 17, 2007 10:20 AM
"Beggars can't be choosers. Except for that homeless man who denied my leftovers from Capital Grille. He was the choosiest beggar I've ever met." Oooooh, that one had me rolling. Fabulous recap, Pachita! You and McSteeny must have been separated at birth.
This show is so poorly "scripted" (oh wait, it's reality TV, right??*wink*), I'm always waiting for some 60's Laugh-In type sound effects to be played after the "writer's" (again, *wink*) provide unoriginal dialogue and scenarios. Ugh. Haim is willing to leave that chica in England because no one else in Hollywood was asking to revieve his stillborn career. Media whore that he is, of COURSE he'd walk away from "love" and rush to the A&E offices.
Sorry for all the ""'s...I'm in a weird mood today. Breathlessly waiting for your recap on SYTYCD season finale!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by Shaz
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Posted on August 17, 2007 2:31 PM
my two year-old has a knack of coming upstairs to sleep in my bed on sunday nights. her internal clock is set to 10:10pm, so that doesn't leave much one-on-one corey/mommy time. (and i of course turn the tv off because exposing an innocent mind to these "heartthrobs" would most assuredly land me in jail). luckily, pachita scooped it all brilliantly and i might even dodge this episode if i'm lucky.
one thing i did manage to see was that completely UNSTAGED 'we're about to have sex' scene that haim crashed. um...so haim walking in on you and your wife lying on the bed is awkward, but the cameraman 6 feet away from you popping rollos into his mouth and looking at his watch is par for the course? *shudder*
if anyone is lucky enough to actually have been too young when the coreys had their heyday, let me sum it up for you:
corey haim: hot
corey feldman: kinda creepy in a grandpa munster/michael jackson kind of way. total sidekick material
mid 30's drug bloat takes out another tiger beat hottie.
did i actually hear haim say he met the british girl while he was overseas doing some sort of promotion for lost boys? i'm willing to bet a cool $20 that this guy still wears a swatch watch while jamming to some glass tiger in his car.
11 of 13 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on August 17, 2007 6:52 PM
Awesome recap, I laughed throughout the whole thing. And I also don't actually watch this show but your excellent recaps are more than enough.
12 of 13 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on August 18, 2007 7:30 PM
I feel vindicated on crushing on Corey Feldman instead of Haim as a kid despite furious taunting.
Have to say, still not that much of a step up...
*hangs head in shame*
13 of 13 | Posted by redhaiku
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Posted on August 20, 2007 11:04 PM