Feldman is still waiting for Susie to "brush her teeth" (aka change her robot clone into the same clothes she was wearing so Feldman won't know the difference when he's making love on her [ah, A.D. jokes will never get old]). In the meantime, he sets the mood by dimming the lights and firing up some candles. He also... covers the couch with a blanket. Wow. I'm sorry, I'm at a loss here. On the list of things I did not ever in my life need to see, its Corey Feldman laying down a love-juice catcher for an impromptu romp with his wife. Talk amongst yourselves while I take a scalding hot shower.
I feel dirty just posting this
Haim and his date are still at Frisbee and playing the getting-to-know-you game as well. Namely, Haim is just saying things like "woah!" and "watch it girl, I need those!" every time she throws to him. He finally (after about 5 minutes of that, no joke) asks what some of her hobbies are and she tells him she's an actress. This is cleverly set to the sound effect of a bomb dropping.
Haim throws his arms up and says "just like everyone else". He immediately starts giving her the century-old "uh, I'm getting kinda tired" and "don't you want to go shower?" and BOOKS. Okay, so I may hate myself later for saying this but, if this is the real Corey Haim, he is the kind of guy I'd love to get drunk and make fun of people with. For realsies.
Feldman is still waiting on the naughty blanket when Susie comes down. That tricky little harlot, she wasn't brushing her teeth! She was changing into sexy time clothes! Which, incidentally, looks just like a blouse that my former roommate totally has in blue.
They are just starting to bow-chick-bow-wow when, surprise surprise, Haim walks in. The contrived coincidences on this show never cease to amaze me. Anywho, he tells the Feldmans that the date blew goat chunks. He then informs the viewers that what really sucks about this whole dating thing is he has a girl who he's in love with, but she lives in England. Uh-huh, quite the predicament you're in. So, instead of going to England to see said love interest, you move in to Feldman's house and constantly talk about how you can get laid and ask how to meet girls? That makes sense. And sounds really healthy.
Haim asks Feldman to the gym so they can have a chat. You read that correctly, Haim is working out and Feldman is watching while they discuss Jojo (Haim's lady love from England). It actually does sound like a pretty sincere conversation on Feldman's end. He asks how much this girl really means to Haim and if she's seen him at his worst.
"You mean has she seen me at 275 lbs?" Haim says and I laugh so heartily that I decide I can skip my crunch class tomorrow. Corey, I really hope for your sake that she has not.
Meatloaf's long lost cousin
Back at home, Haim works up the nerve to call his overseas lass. She does sound pretty happy to hear from him and he tells her, "I'm going through like, I don't know, maybe like a life-change, maybe like a... I don't know... I know I miss ya..." Oh, Haim, how eloquent! You are a bard in my eyes! He tells her that he wants to fly her to Feldman's for the weekend and she delays as she files an online restraining order. They're quick, easy, and save you a trip to the precinct! She tells him she needs to think about it and calls him back 5 minutes later telling her she's in. They both say "I love you" and hang up. PS - when he hangs up the phone he goes "BOOM" like he's the playingest playa on the block. Give me a break.
Susie and a girlfriend are getting pedicures and discussion Jojo's visit. I find it hilarious that Susie's girlfriend looks so much like her husband. It's almost alarming, really. But, it can't be Feldman, they're getting pedicures!
"Ohh, yes! You, my friend, are a magician!"
Haim heads to a florist to pick up some flowers for Jojo and is off to the airport. As people come through the gate he greets everyone with a fake English accent and thinks he is the funniest person in the world. I'm trying to will one of the passengers into giving him a good flogging with my mind but alas, no luck. Jojo finally comes out and she's cute! What is she doing with him?! They kiss a few times and head out.
« Recap: Rock of Love: Circus of Boobs | Main | Recap: The Hills: If A Speidi Gets Engaged And No One Films It, Did It Even Happen? »
Comments (13)
"Corey, sweetie, lets not forget you're speed dating. Beggars can't be choosers."
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously...
1 of 13 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 12:54 PM
If not sister's Pachita, then DEFINITELY distant cousins!!
Bravo on the recap! I love. You've got two fabu readers (Shaz and K) reading your stuff. They will love this! Treat them well.
You said Capital Grille- tell me my long lost sister lives in Manhattan... if so we MUST schedule a Tvgasm Newbie happy hour...
2 of 13 | Posted by McSteeny
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 1:03 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
3 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 2:47 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
4 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 2:50 PM
This is the funniest recap I have read on this site in a long time...and I don't even watch this show! Keep up the great work Pachita!!
5 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 2:52 PM
Ah! Sorry about the triple post. To make it up, I'll just let you know that your homeless person story had me cracking up!
6 of 13 | Posted by Meliss16
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 2:59 PM
A truly funny recap is one that makes me laugh despite not having watched the show itself. I haven't watched "Two Coreys" once, nor do I plan to. I do plan however on continuing to read these recaps. It used to be the same with B-Side's "Hills" recaps...
7 of 13 | Posted by Sir Jiggabins
|
Posted on August 16, 2007 4:42 PM
Thanks guys, color me flattered! Jiggabins - I know exactly what you mean, I used to read ALL of B-Sides recaps!
McSteeny - born and raised in NY, currently living in Chi! I'll be back for a visit in September and am all about a Newbie Happy Hour!
8 of 13 | Posted by Pachita
|
Posted on August 17, 2007 9:55 AM
"You guys are assholes"...I am still laughing at that! I think you probably could have made that the entire recap...but I appreciate you not going that.
Great recap! Keep em coming!
9 of 13 | Posted by Remy11
|
Posted on August 17, 2007 10:20 AM
"Beggars can't be choosers. Except for that homeless man who denied my leftovers from Capital Grille. He was the choosiest beggar I've ever met." Oooooh, that one had me rolling. Fabulous recap, Pachita! You and McSteeny must have been separated at birth.
This show is so poorly "scripted" (oh wait, it's reality TV, right??*wink*), I'm always waiting for some 60's Laugh-In type sound effects to be played after the "writer's" (again, *wink*) provide unoriginal dialogue and scenarios. Ugh. Haim is willing to leave that chica in England because no one else in Hollywood was asking to revieve his stillborn career. Media whore that he is, of COURSE he'd walk away from "love" and rush to the A&E offices.
Sorry for all the ""'s...I'm in a weird mood today. Breathlessly waiting for your recap on SYTYCD season finale!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by Shaz
|
Posted on August 17, 2007 2:31 PM
my two year-old has a knack of coming upstairs to sleep in my bed on sunday nights. her internal clock is set to 10:10pm, so that doesn't leave much one-on-one corey/mommy time. (and i of course turn the tv off because exposing an innocent mind to these "heartthrobs" would most assuredly land me in jail). luckily, pachita scooped it all brilliantly and i might even dodge this episode if i'm lucky.
one thing i did manage to see was that completely UNSTAGED 'we're about to have sex' scene that haim crashed. um...so haim walking in on you and your wife lying on the bed is awkward, but the cameraman 6 feet away from you popping rollos into his mouth and looking at his watch is par for the course? *shudder*
if anyone is lucky enough to actually have been too young when the coreys had their heyday, let me sum it up for you:
corey haim: hot
corey feldman: kinda creepy in a grandpa munster/michael jackson kind of way. total sidekick material
mid 30's drug bloat takes out another tiger beat hottie.
did i actually hear haim say he met the british girl while he was overseas doing some sort of promotion for lost boys? i'm willing to bet a cool $20 that this guy still wears a swatch watch while jamming to some glass tiger in his car.
11 of 13 | Posted by k37744
|
Posted on August 17, 2007 6:52 PM
Awesome recap, I laughed throughout the whole thing. And I also don't actually watch this show but your excellent recaps are more than enough.
12 of 13 | Posted by bdos88
|
Posted on August 18, 2007 7:30 PM
I feel vindicated on crushing on Corey Feldman instead of Haim as a kid despite furious taunting.
Have to say, still not that much of a step up...
*hangs head in shame*
13 of 13 | Posted by redhaiku
|
Posted on August 20, 2007 11:04 PM