Later, the players watched tape of their rivals in the locker room, and elsewhere, the cheerleading squad met with their unnamed coach/Mother Hen. Before I get into this, I'd first like to know why the producers have kept this woman off camera all season. In short, she was amazing. She turned to her cheerleader ducklings and announced, "I ordered the -- and they look really cute, y'all -- it's the nine inch cookie cakes for your players. And they look great." Wait, stop the presses. Did she say, NINE INCH COOKIE CAKES??? WELL! That sounds absolutely divine! Cookie cakes for all! Amusingly, Homecoming Queen loser Blair pumped her arms excitedly as if to say, "YES!!!" Settle down, Blair. The cookie cakes ain't for you. I mean, we can get you one, but it won't be the same. Sorry.

"I can't wait 'til I get to have my very own cookie cake!"

After the coach was done discussing all things cookie cake, she then began to cry as she noted that this would be the last game for many of the cheerleaders. "For y'all, this is it!" coach said, unintentionally placing the One Day At A Time theme song in America's head. She continued, "And I know that's so sad, but it is! Most of y'all will never cheer again!" HEAVENS NO!!! This is it! Life is downhill from here.

Coach then pulled everyone's heartstrings by saying, "The last time two sisters will cheer together! You know, I mean, y'all let it all come out on Saturday!" Wow, this is really giving me memories to my last day as president of French Club. So many tears...

Later, as she festooned a doorway with all sorts of junk, Blair professed that she simply could not fathom that this was the last time she'd be decorating doors. Technically, she could always decorate doors after this -- for the rest of her life, in fact. However, she'd just have to face the social scrutiny of being that crazy lady who decorates doors. Just saying though, it's a free country.

Of course, the cruel irony of this tradition was that Kristin had to decorate Alex's door (the cheerleaders all have designated players and Alex was hers for obvious reasons and yada yada yada). Well, as you can imagine, Kristin's door-decorating bonanza wasn't nearly as sentimental as Blair's. In fact, it was downright awkward and awful. She showed up with Goose (of course) and some other girl, and as Alex walked over to greet them, she coldly handed him the much-hyped cookie cake. Ouch. The rarely seen Cookie Cake of Rage! And since Kristin was already in the spirit of giving, she also handed over all of Alex's junk that she had at her house. Who would have thought the cookie cake would have been such a harbinger for bitter returns?

The group then headed indoors with Augustana's "Boston" playing in the background -- just as it had when Cameron broke up with Jessica on Laguna Beach FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO. I guess we know what the new mopey song of the moment is. Anyway, Kristin continued to be bitter in Alex's basement as she sat around with Alex and Cory and Goose and other nameless people. At one point, a dog barked, prompting her to passive aggressively say, "It's Max. He misses me." I guess he just smells a BITCH, if you know what I'm saying (zing!). Seriously, though. She needed to get over it.

Eventually, Kristin and her slave Goose stood to leave, and as they exited the house, she extended her hand to Alex and said, "See you tomorrow, NOT!" And with that, she pulled her hand back quickly. Oh she di'int! Nothing sears like a pointed usage of early '90s humor!

Well, once she was gone, there was nothing left for Alex to do but play videogames with Cory and snack on the ol' cookie cake. In between mouthfuls of this sacred pastry, Alex then began dissing Goose, saying, "He used to be one of the boys. Now, he's one of the girls because he's made so many girlfriends that none of the guys want to hang out with him anymore." Scathing accusations! Alex then concluded his rant with the general proclamation: "I hate girls. I hate all of them." Yes, but I'll tell you what he didn't hate: a good cookie cake. Yum!

All hail the cookie cake!