Anyway, the next day in class, Alex received wonderful news: he had scored an 82 on an exam! I'm surprised coach Rush Propst didn't barge in, spit on the paper, and then shove it in Alex's mouth, yelling "GET TOUGH!!!" Well, after everyone had received their grades, the meek teacher then got to today's lesson: what do women want in a relationship? Huh? What sort of class was this? I had a feeling this teacher may have been projecting some sort of indirect spinster rage at the boys. Wasn't this supposed to be a history class? All the posters on the wall had to do with Anglo-Saxons and The Middle Ages and Shakespeare. Maybe the students were about to take a gender-relationship approach as to why Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn never quite hit it off. What women want: to not be BEHEADED.

"Okay, class, let's talk about why men are evil and don't know a good thing when it's standing right in front of them."

Well, after one girl recited all the things the girls wanted from the boys, Alex then read all the things the boys wanted from the girls: "Good cook. She needs to be able to catch your eye, if you know what I mean. [no, we didn't know what you meant. Does that mean that she's supposed to literally catch an eyeball???] No nagging. Comes from money." Yes, that's wonderful. And once the guys were done living in fantasy land, they headed right back out to practice, which featured more of the same: grunting, sweating, and lots of Rush Propst yelling and spitting. And yes, in case you're wondering, it's driving me nuts that his name is "Propst," not "Probst."

"That's not a spit."

"THAT'S a spit!"

That night, a bunch of the teens indulged their stomaches by eatin' good in the neighborhood. Yes, Kristin and a gaggle of friends hit up the culinary mecca that is Applebees (a fixture in my high school experience too, sad to say), and while everyone noshed on onion peels and whatnot, Kristin busted out a camcorder and announced that she would be asking everyone whether or not she and Alex should get back together. Why, this wasn't completely self-absorbed at all!

Well, the first person she questioned was a chunky football player named Goose, who Alex told us had a thing for Kristin. He refused to say whether or not Kristin should get back with her boy (he loved her, but could he backstab a teammate? The eternal quandary of Two-A-Days!). Best Friend Blair, however, told Kristin that Alex shouldn't have lied, but if he worked hard and earned back her trust, then yes, they should get back together. Shut up, Blair. You're boring. Never speak again.

With that, this official meeting of the Applebees Council came to a close (take THAT, Algonquin Roundtable!). Next up for the kids was a rousing time at the bowling alley where Kristin was assaulted by text messages from Alex. "Well that last 1 got me calmd down.. U gna be alone when I call?Dnt wna have" he wrote cryptically, but alas, his estranged girlfriend had not time to read the rest. It was her turn to bowl, and wouldn't you know it? She got a strike! This somehow led to a discussion about Goose, who Kristin said was one of her best friends. "When Alex would hurt me, Goose would be over there. I'd be crying on his shoulder," Kristin told us, clearly unaware of what we like to call, "The Cockblock."

We then saw one unfortunate girl named Brittany try to bowl a ball down the lane, but alas, her fingers were too stumpy, and the ball awkwardly refused to launch from her hand, causing laughter all around (including from me. I'm a sucker for good slapstick. The only thing better than a stubborn bowling ball is a ball that falls prematurely. Oh, that gets me every time. If you've never seen that happen, you're missing out).

Anyway, after Brittany dislodged the ball from her kung-fu grip, we returned to Kristin who was now mildly flirting with Goose. "You smell good," she said.

"Do I? Well, good!" he replied happily. Somebody's gonna be jerkin' off tonight! (Okay, I apologize for inserting that image in all y'alls heads).