Presciently, Alex then texted Kristin, "No now goose is gna suk pu to u sum more n try n get u against me." Why would Goose ever do that? Just because he's been secretly pining for Kristin every single day for the past three years to the point where he has a makeshift shrine fueled by the blood of dead hobos he kills for her love? Sheesh.

After the commercial break, we found ourselves listening to the gentle tunes of a clarinet. Did Woody Allen suddenly join the squad? And if not, could he? Because that would be awesome. Anyway, it turned out that the clarinetist was none other than Bryan, the large, imposing offensive tackle for the team. Turns out he's quite the music buff and relies on it to help him through the pain of practice. To demonstrate his love for music, he then began singing in the car, and... was he singing show tunes? Do his teammates know about this? We then found out that not only is Bryan on the football squad, he's also in the marching band too. Yes, during the off-season, he trades in his jock card for his dork card as he parades around, annoying pretty much anyone within earshot (sorry, some early morning experiences with the college marching band running through my dorm have left me bitter). Anyway, Bryan was a committed bandcamp dude, and even though football should have been his top priority, he couldn't resist standing by a window, watching his marching band brethren practice for the big game. Another torturous conflict!

We then watched some offensive blocking drills (which would have been much more entertaining had they been augmented with some crazy clarinet, you know, in honor of Bryan), and then we moved onto Ross, the struggling quarterback who's been attempting to fill his brother's giant, accomplished shoes. For those of you who don't remember, Ross's brother had been the star quarterback and had brought home two state championships for the school and then gone on to glory and success and happiness and general amazingness (I heard he once saved a baby seal from a vicious clubbing!). Ross, on the other hand, kind of sucked. His biggest accomplishment thus far has been looking like a skinny version of Johnny Moseley.

Anyway, in the last game, Ross had some trouble making decisions in the pocket and throwing to the proper lanes, and if the practice was any indication, those problems hadn't disappeared. "Ross! Who the fuck did you just throw to?" asked an irate Propst at one point. He HATES Ross! He could spit on him all day long and still not be satisfied.

We then popped in on Kristin, and get this: she was still complaining about Alex. I know, it's very shocking. "Alex has never, ever done anything wrong to me at like this level," she said. Yes, the pain one feels from a dishonest diorama experience is the pain that hurts the most.

Meanwhile, back at his home, Ross tossed a football around with his big brother (who was fresh from saving twelve people from a burning building), and I couldn't help noticing that every teenage male on this show seemed to have the same hairstyle as William Zabka (a.k.a. Johnny Lawrence) from The Karate Kid. You know, the brushed forward bangs that I sported circa 1988 (after my mom let me graduate from the bowl cut).

Who of the following did NOT go to Hoover High:

Anyway, Ross's big brother asked if it was hard being compared to him, and just when it seemed like he was providing an empathetic shoulder to lean on, Big Brother sternly added that Ross better not lose to Spain Park. It was so Varsity Blues 2005.

After the commercial break, it was time for the big game. Rush Propst gave his usual, thoughtful pre-game pep talk by saying, "Now let's go out and physically BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THEM!" and then it was game time! Things started out great for Hoover as Ross made a big pass down field. Yay pressures of being a failure melting away! But then moments later on the drive, Ross managed to throw an interception right in the endzone. Boo crushing reality of one's limited capacity!