On this falsely advertised as Betty-goes-bad-girl episode of Ugly Betty, we're begin our day at Casa de Nobody Works during breakfast. Betty comes into the dining room as Hilda woo-oohs that Betty got home late - at 10:30pm. I have to admit, I'm usually in bed before then, so it does sound late. Betty says some editors wanted to go out so she went with them. No wonder they called it an early night.
Wow. Fleshy.
Betty exclaims, "I got a tattoo" and shows them a smudged heart that reads "Hot Stu." Well, maybe he is. She says she must have "sweated it off" at the club. Ew and as if. Papi says thank goodness it's fake, otherwise Betty's mother would have killed him which is hilarious because she's been dead for years!
Papi says it's not like Betty to go out on a work night but Betty says if Matt's moving on, she should too. "It's time for me to get back on the market," she says. In three seasons, her market has been like the Quickie Mart! Papi recommends the guy who does the bookkeeping for Archie. When you use the terms "guy" and "bookkeeping," you know you have a winner, just like the Mystery Date dud!
Hilda gives him the heave-ho. "When he gets nervous he does this sniffing thing. I don't think Betty wants a sniffer." I know, sounds like something you'd see on Intervention. Just then Justin pops into the kitchen and asks if Marc said when the cheerleading uniforms would be ready. Because why now?
"He said he'll bring them over on his way to work," she said. Because Queens is between Manhattan and Manhattan? "Thank God," Justin says. "Those hems have not been brought up since 2003, they might as well be cheering in burqas." Yes, just like woman who have to live under sheets their whole lives. Great comparison.
Papi is wondering what the hell Justin is doing ponying up to the cheerleaders and my question is why has it taken this long? Turns out Marc recommended that Justin become friends with the popular/mean girls if he wants to make it through high school. Then Justin says they need help decorating for homecoming. Music stops, looks are exchanged, all you hear is a heartbeat as Betty looks at Hilda and Hilda stares back angrily. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.
The look that kills sperm.
"Why do I feel like I should be hearing scary music?" Justin asks. Papi explains that Hilda doesn't have the best association with Homecoming. Because her boobs gave new meaning to "senior class float"? Turns out the year Hilda was nominated for homecoming queen, Papi didn't let her go because she was six months pregnant. Papi says he was protecting her and Hilda says he was ashamed. I'm going with the combo platter on this one.
For some reason, Betty and Hilda are walking by Justin's school later that morning because they must be living on their lottery winnings, and Hilda tells Betty she could have been queen there. "I could have ruled all of this," she says, talking about the campus...? Yes, that is quite a territory.
Suddenly, Hilda gasps. "Is that Bobby Talercio?" Turns out Hilda used to date Bobby and he was quite the bad boy/reputation saver. One time someone called Hilda a whore (shocking, I know), and he smashed the guy's head against the wall and made the guy apologize to Hilda. I bet it was a heartfelt apology.
Bobby is standing next to a student driver car when he sees Hilda. They embrace and kiss and yadda yadda. He looks at Betty and says, "Don't tell me this is little Chipmunk?" That was their nickname for Betty? I would have come up with a better one. How about Yeti Betty. That one still works now. Nerd? Dorkasaurus? Teacher's Pet? Apple Polisher? Hairy Bo-Bairy Betty? The list is endless, but Chipmunk? That just makes her sound...squeaky.
If a guy does this to you, he ain't bending you
over the seat of a Buick.
He says he can't stay to talk, he's got a lesson. Turns out his family owns a car dealership and he volunteers to teach driver's ed to help advertise the cars. Betty says she used to have a crush on him and Hilda's like no shit. Hilda says if it weren't for Betty hanging around them so much when they were dating, Bobby would have been Justin's father. I bet he had gay sperm too! All the tough guys do.
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