Dear Crabby: What would almost single-handedly ruin an Ugly Betty episode?
Dear Couch: The return of Jesse! No wonder they were considering canceling the show!
Betty's dandruff is really getting out of hand.
We begin this Ugly Betty with Betty moving some boxes back home and as she kicks the door closed she falls, revealing that she is moving nothing but styrofoam packing peanuts back into the house. Well, they are probably more flavorful than the rice cakes Papi has to eat now. Instead of helping Betty up, Betty's family introduces her to Papi's new nurse, Elena, and I have to say, olé! Good one, Papi. Although wouldn't it have been more hilarious if his nurse had been a Javier instead?
How did she not get robbed on the subway?
Turns out Betty has brought home two huge boxes...on the subway. Are you kidding me with this? As if. Also, I just don't get why people stretch out moves like this. Get a U-Haul and haul it all in one painful swoop. But I'm not one for long goodbyes, so there you go. Betty says she can't completely move out until she finds someone to sublet, but I'm pretty sure she can since she's not moving into a place where they are going to charge her rent. Just move already! Oy!
You only need to keep Papi on ice if he's dead.
Betty heads back to the city to interview potential renters, and Papi pulls Elena aside. He tells her the real reason she's here it to calm the kids down, not because he really needs help. He sits down in his chair, surrounded by bottles of pills and oxygen, and says he rarely needs this stuff. Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be taking those pills, Papi, they are what keep your heart PUMPING. "This will be the easiest job you've ever had," he says. Well, she'll be right on par with Hilda who is just as useful!
In the city, Daniel and Molly just bought some cocoa, and Daniel throws his loose change into the trash. What?!?! Hasn't he read a paper or seen the news lately? The sky is falling because there's no more money left in the world! Molly's like, what the hell, my school is serving kids mulk at lunch because they cannot afford milk but please, literally throw away money. Daniel says he hates pennies. I hate pennies from heaven. Molly asks if he also hates nickels, "you rich jerk." Why not at least litter so someone might find the money on the ground? I'd expect this from Trump, not Daniel. What a rich jerk!
Time to break up!
They sit down on a bench and Daniel tells her that Connor has started seeing Wilhelmina, but Connor doesn't know that he knows about them. Molly looks a little stunned but come on, have you seen Willie's bosom? It's awe-inspiring! So Molly thinks they ought to tell Connor about their romance. Daniel wants to tell him and Molly suggests doing it soon before he finds out some other way. Like in the paper?
Cut to Connor staring at the ripped-out photo of Molly from last week, where her hand-holdee was cut out of the picture. Connor, let it go, you have Willie and she's never covered in paste or kid boogers. Have a can of Foster's and calm the hell down. Willie walks in and Connor shoves the clipping into his pants, that's what she said.
Willie announces she got them into their favorite restaurant but then says he seems a bit distracted. "The only thing distracting me is you," he lies, kissing her, then saying, "and that budget report meeting I have first thing." Wow, I bet Willie feels awesome that their passionate kiss made him think of finance. Hott! Connor gets up to leave. Nobody leaves Willie in the corner, not even of her silk-covered sofa! He says he'll see her tomorrow so-long see-ya buh-bye.
I wish your bosom had my report written on it.
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Comments (7)
OMG, Dear Crabby! reading your recaps are WAY BETTER than the actual show. You are incredible!
"Please, please, please let Gio show up right now and beat this guy's ass down! He could totally Sweeney Todd him via the deli and no one would be the wiser!" what can I say? I love you! ^_^
1 of 7 | Posted by beatrice B | Posted on February 12, 2009 4:58 AM
Crabby - One of the funniest recaps EVER!!! I laughed my ass off. And that outfit that Betty wore outside Jesse's apartment. She looked like "special needs" or one of Jerry's Kids. What the fuck is wrong with her? My mother thinks the show is "Disgusting Betty" instead of "Ugly Betty". Maybe Mom's right.
2 of 7 | Posted by reesewitherspoon | Posted on February 12, 2009 6:52 AM
I'm SO GLAD that someone else disliked Jesse as much as me. And WHERE THE F**K IS GIO??? He needs to come back like 3 weeks ago! Ok, longer. He shouldn't have left. I
Her clothes. OMG. Gross. I get that the show is called "Ugly Betty" and they have to work to make her ugly (because America is a really pretty girl), but still. Sheesh!!
Marc & Amanda are seriously my favorite part of the show. They crack me up! It's surprising how much I've come to like Amanda as a person, now that we've seen the softer side of her personality. I hope that we see more of that. Doubt it, but I can always hope.
Daniel & Molly are gross and boring. Make her leave, please?
Willie and Connor are great! I love that she's showing the softer side of her personality, too. Willie falling in love could be a good thing.
Methinks Papi & Nurse Elena might have a bit of a love connection, too. The way they were looking at each other towards the end of the episode... I think I saw some sparkage there. Woo! I like her. She's cool. Keeps Papi on his toes.
Ugh. Hilda. Get a storyline that doesn't suck. And go back to work. For real. She annoys me - a LOT.
Um. Where's Christina? Did the whole baby plot just get dropped? What about that kid Justin was hanging out with? Did that get dropped too? Lots of loose ends dangling...
3 of 7 | Posted by crmsnkatt | Posted on February 12, 2009 10:30 AM
Wow, DearCrabby, I don't even watch this show, but your recaps make me feel everything you're feeling... rage at Jesse, exasperation with Betty, fear of Willie, etc. I love it, you are a badass!
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. It looks like Nurse Elena is being played by Lauren Velez, who is one of my favorite Latina actors... if you want to see her in a really sweet and funny movie, check out her big breakout in 1995's "I Like It Like That"... it's got great music, Rita Moreno, and Jon Seda's beautiful ass! Yum!
4 of 7 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 12, 2009 10:43 AM
UGH, I used to love this show, now I haaaaate it.
I am really pissed at all the freakin' breakups -- I am insulted that they can't just HAVE a solid relationhship between a high-power exec and a grade school teacher! WHY did this have to be broken up?! Can we have ONE, just ONE *real* thing on this show?
The thing with Daniel's 'kid' was useless. LiLo's guest stint was so useless I need a new word for useless. Yawn, nurse becomes new love interest for Ignacio. Yawn Marc & Amanda move in together and just continue to be The Marc and Amanda Show after hours. Yawn Connor and Willie yawn yawn yawn... I dread watching it tonight, but we need something to do before Hell's Kitchen comes on...
The ONLY moment I liked this season so far was Alexis' "Daniel's not the father, I am," that was great. But YAY, NOTHING HAPPENS!
This show is off the ramp and almost at apogee over the shark, as far as I'm concerned.
5 of 7 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 12, 2009 12:39 PM
Oh yeah, and just to add insult to injury, my partner's working on a show over at Raleigh Studios now, AFTER UB pulled out of there. Curses!
Ditto on Christina and Justin thing -- is Justin even in the show anymore?
This is bad, bad bad... Maybe we fans would start watching again if the story lines were cohesive, surprising and imaginative? Just a hint, there.
6 of 7 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 12, 2009 12:44 PM
Great recap. Very funny.
I enjoyed the show, in parts. I thought the actor playing Conner had really good boxing skills - as if he may have been a professional boxer at some point (I don't think it was a stunt double).
Don't like Danolly. Like Connamena.
The new nurse was great (both the character and the acting).
Paging Mr Gio...
7 of 7 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 12, 2009 4:45 PM