I just got the WORST manicure in the history of the world and I'm pissed, so I'm more than ready to watch eight back-to-back bitch smacking, low down, hair pulling, face scratching, genital kneeing "fights". Seriously... Do... Not... Fuck... with my nails, hair, clothes, or accessories. Incompetent manicurists and incompetent "contendahs" should both be locked in a cage and forced to defend themselves.
For the last time, fire engine red is not a SUBTLE shade!!!
Vicarious venting, along with a lot of Bailey's on ice is sooo therapeutic...Join me in imbibing, while we explore such loaded issues as penile proximity and rear naked chokes...
Before this week's episode, Spike TV was nice enough to televise the heavyweight title match between Mini Nogueira and Tim Silvia. I have to say that I was totally impressed. Mini finished Silvia in the third round with a guillotine choke, and it was completely clear when they were grappling that Mini was totally in control, and his only purpose for rolling around on the ground with Silvia was to choke the living crap out of him. As Mini maneuvered Silvia into position, his movements were precise, deadly and completely devoid of any of the fumbling that raises those pesky suggestions of gratuitous, latent, homosexual groping. I mean, lets face it, with some of the shall we say "lesser fighters" penile proximity seems to be a lot closer than most heterosexual men would usually feel comfortable with:
A thin piece of polyester and a little bit of plastic are all that are separating these boys from a whole new world.
This week we're still finishing up the intro elimination fights that will decide which "contendahs" get to live in the alcohol drenched pressure cooker called the training house and which "contendahs" are sent back to their pitiful lives working at carwashes and snorting gas fumes.
Our coaches are looking as perky as ever:
He promised me a movie contract. What'd he promise you?
And, Big Daddy is eyeing the remaining sixteen fighters like an evil pimp hoping to get a last $20.00 out of their half dead carcasses.
Just do what I say and I can make you a star.
Fight 1
Wesley March versus John Polakowski
Wesley March is from England and looks like he's in dire need of some good ole American Supersize Me Fast Food calorie infusions. He tells us that he feels like he's carrying the pride of the mother country on his scrawny shoulders and quotes Winston Churchill, "Constant effort, not strength nor intelligence, is what reveals our troop's potential."
God, please give this man some Mickey Dees, with a side order of strength and intelligence, before it's too late.
John Polakowski is a totally loveable wackadoodle. You know the super-sweet kid in high school that had absolutely no self-control, couldn't sit still, and kept getting into all sorts of bad-assed trouble even though everybody swore he had a heart of gold. True to form he starts out his interview saying that he thinks he might have ADHD:
Wanna buy some Ritalin?
And, oh yeah, Wackadoodle loves to hug everybody. It makes him feel good and it makes them feel good. Because, you know, the UFC is such a touchy, feely supportive type environment. AAAWWWWW!!!
Wes and Wackadoodle are fighting in the lightweight category and Big Daddy is all excited about it.
"I like small the small guys."
Sadly, despite being on the petite side, these guys are proving to be a little lame, and the fight starts out a lot like the big fight scene between Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver in Bridget Jones Diary.
Awkward!!
Goaded to frustration, Frankie starts giving step-by-step instructions to Wes. "Turn on your right shoulder." "Put your arm around his neck." But, despite Frankie's best efforts, the fight doesn't seem to be gaining much momentum and the first round winds down to the end with Wes throwing a kick and falling. At first, I thought he lost his balance, but he's apparently injured. Malnourished and limping the little guy is determined not to give up. Winston Churchill would have been proud. Wes is a true example of constant effort and absolutely no intelligence. After a lame half-hearted flying knee, it's quickly determined that, despite Wes' heroic intentions, this fight ain't happening. Sigh!! I've had days like that as well.
The Wackadoodle is declared the winner and, true to form, he runs around giving out freebie hugs to anybody he can reach, including Big Daddy, the coaches, and, to his complete shock, the ref who grabs the side of the cage in panic. LOL.
I wuv you, soooo muuuch!!
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Comments (11)
That is big nog not mini nog.
1 of 11 | Posted by koclem | Posted on September 26, 2008 3:45 PM
I'll do my best to explain the "juice is worth the squeeze" quote. What he meant was that the end result of the UFC contract (the juice) was worth the pain he'd have to go through (the squeeze). Hope that helps.
Great recap.
2 of 11 | Posted by FreewayShark | Posted on September 26, 2008 3:45 PM
I'm thinking that Jules gets sent home due to injury and Eric Magee gets pulled it.
Funny recap, you had me squirming, but funny recap.
3 of 11 | Posted by Bmcl | Posted on September 26, 2008 7:17 PM
I read what your recap said about utlimate fighting and just so you know, not everybody thinks like you do.
You should show some respect to Dana White and the fighters on this show. Theyve done more than youll ever do sitting at a computer typing these lame ass recaps. What are you some sort of fem-nazi trying to make real men look bad.
You should mind your own business and write about things you know about like cooking and cleaning.
4 of 11 | Posted by ufcfan | Posted on September 27, 2008 6:57 AM
*reads ufcfan's comment and laughs*
Yenta, darling, I was going to reply with something, but then I realized that sarcastic wit is wasted on those without a certain level of intellectual advancement.
*smooches!*
5 of 11 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on September 27, 2008 7:32 AM
Koclem: Thanks for taking the time to chime in. Minotauro does have a big big noggin : )
FreewayShark: Thanks so much for translating for me. I'm sure there going to be other instances of phrases that are completely unintelligable to me, so please stick around.
Bmcl: I was wondering if farmboy got injured, as well. It's just kind of weird that they didn't address it at the end of the episode.
UFCFan: XOXO
teri00: Heart and smooches right back at ya : )
Hugs,
Yenta
6 of 11 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 27, 2008 12:04 PM
Yenta, honey, I was giggling like mad reading through this. You are the perfect one to be recapping this show.
Really, though, you SHOULD show more respect to the good men of the UFC, because their beating each other's brains out apparently somehow solves the energy crisis, the budget deficit and cures cancer at the same time!
I myself would contend that the only thing more lame than sitting at a computer typing a lame-ass recap would be sitting at a computer reading said lame-ass recap and getting really mad about it.
much love & hugs to you,
xoxox
J-Mo :)
P.S. I left you a present at the end of my soon-to-be-published "Top Design" recap... I think you're gonna like it... :)
7 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 28, 2008 4:00 AM
Thanks for the kind mention. You described me exactly (now "Uuuuse the farts, Luke!")
LOL
I've been involved in martial arts and I think your comments about the homo-erotic aspects of it were pretty funny - but in the most manfully, manly kind of way, of course.
You are doing a FINE job of recappingness and (in my imagination only) I'll scratch the eyes out of anyone who says otherwise!
8 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 28, 2008 10:03 PM
Yenta,
What is this "Castro district" you speak of?
I didn't think there was anything fishy about Elliot Marshall getting in to the house due to Antwan Britt's injury. It is commonplace for the fighters to get injured and they need to have replacements available to fill in. Marshall had a great fight - and in my opinion as well, beat Karn Grigaryan anyway.
On, and koclem's post that "this is big nog not little nog is in reference to the fact that there is has a twin brother who fights at a lighter weight. Antonio Rodrigo is known as "Big Nog" and Antonio Rogerio is known as "Little Nog".
I am hardcore fan of MMA and don't think there's anything homoerotic about it, but I think your recaps are funny. I can see where others may find certain aspects of it homoerotic and can therefore see the humor in your comments. Sadly, not all fans of the sport will be able to do the same. Insecurities anyone?
9 of 11 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on September 29, 2008 9:17 AM
J-Mo Darling, you are the sweetest :) Someday we will sit down and have a junk food orgy complete with really bad movies...
Fire@will, I'm working toward both manful and manly homoerotic descriptions : )
Heart always...
HeyBuddy, you are so my tutor. I'll have to rename "Mini" as "Mini Big Nog" and THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!!! Holy crap, that's too good to be true. I'll have to read up on them.
The Castro is SanFrancisco's gay ghetto. Basically, its a stretch of Castro Street from Market to about 19th, I think...But, like many trendy areas it's boundaries kind of spread and the original spirit of it seems to have kind of diluted over the years. Of course, I'm middle-aged so I'm looking back over a fairly long span and, I've never lived there, just visited. I'm sure others can give a more precise description of the area. But, in it's heyday it wasn't uncommon to see guys walking around in leather fanny chaps, or, my personal fav, leather biker jackets, combat boots and tighty whiteys...
Anyway, I hope you stick around you definitely "represent" well for the MMA crowd and you know alot more than me.
Hugs,
Yenta
10 of 11 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 29, 2008 2:04 PM
I am a fan of this show and find the recaps very funny.
Yenta, the judges are selected by the Athletic Commission and not the UFC. The problem is that many of the jugdes have a boxing background and judge the fight like a boxing match, not a MMA fight.
11 of 11 | Posted by tsl1000 | Posted on October 2, 2008 7:37 AM