It turns out that Kyle is the only boychick willing to actually donate his little guys to the project and like a good little soldier he marches into the bathroom to do the deed. Thankfully, he shuts the door. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-masturbation. I just don't really want to see Kyle Kingsbury yanking on his wanger. There's a few tense moments as the cameramen focus their lenses on the door, and Jules yells into Kyle and Kyle yells back at him to shut up. Then, in a surprisingly short amount of time, Kyle comes back out with a platter of freshly squirted sperm, announcing proudly, "I've prepared a very special sauce for the California roll." Ladies if you're looking for a guy who can reliably produce under pressure, here's the guy for you.
Black belt spunker
The blue team comes home from training, and the red team waits expectantly. Sure enough, like a leprechaun in search of gold, Dave Kaplan finds the sushi and unwittingly fills his stomach with Kyle's swimmers.
The red team approaches Dave after his milky repast and joins him at the table gently introducing the subject of the newly missing sushi. Dave, somewhat cockily (sorry, no pun intended) confirms that he did in fact eat it and it was gooood!! Kyle offhandly comments, "Let's see, if I ate somebody's semen..." And, suddenly, Dave's not so cocky (again, no pun intended) anymore. In fact, Dave begins to look like a very unhappy little leprechaun who maybe just discovered that all that glitters is not gold.
But, now, Dave has a quandary. There's not much worse to threaten with. I mean urine's been done to death in this house, sperm was used on him, so, what's left? Fecal matter? You betcha.
"You will have fecal matter on your persons in the next 3 days."
In case the urine, sperm, or potential fecal matter isn't enough to get your panties in a bunch, we are now introduced to balut. For those of you that recognize and cherish this delicacy, I apologize. I know there's a lot of Jewish food that can cause my goy husband to heave. That being said, OMG, this is one disgusting delicacy. Fainter Phillipe, who is responsible for introducing the food into the house, explains that a balut is a duck egg that is just about to hatch. Basically what he's talking about is an almost fully developed duck fetus.
The last of the three food groups: urine, sperm, and, now, duck fetus.
Thankfully, it's time for the weigh-in. "Coach" Frankie tells us that he thinks Kaplan is capable of winning the whole kit and caboodle. Sadly, we've seen very little of Mini Big Nog this episode. But, not surprisingly, he thinks that Phillipe is going to win the fight. Somewhat, surprisingly, Big Daddy weighs in with his opinion. Big Daddy thinks Philippe is going to win. I'm thinking that my money should go with Big Daddy's.
Just in case you've been wondering how Marilyn is managing after his gym tantrum, the editors decide to bring us back to the house where he's hanging out with the red team. You know, the team that Marilyn was drunkenly haranguing during the first several episodes? Apparently, they're a-okay with Marilyn, now. Instead, it's his own team that he doesn't like. In particular, Marilyn has decided that he doesn't like Dave Kaplan. The same Dave Kaplan that made it possible for Marilyn to cut those last few pounds before his weigh-in. But, that was then, and this is now. Dave Kaplan seems to have committed the sin of getting more attention from "Coach" Frankie than Marilyn, not to mention being generally smarter than Marilyn. Of course, the last complaint could be made about the duck fetuses as well. Regardless of the actual reasons, Marilyn feels justified in giving Phillipe a rundown on Dave Kaplan's weak spots as a fighter. And, because Marilyn is so ready to stand up for his beliefs and convictions he makes a point of asking the red team not to "tell the other guys what I said."
My childhood dream was to grow up to be a drunken, stupid, illiterate, violent, spoiled, immature, untrustworthy, lazy assed wannabe fighter. I think I've accomplished that.
Good Lord, isn't there anybody in this house that could be role model for youngsters?
Note to Hugger John: I'm depending on you to finish this show having done nothing worse than sporting a really bad dye job.
Happily, the night before the fight, Mini Big Nog comes over to hang out. He builds Phillipe's confidence, lets himself be hugged by Hugger John, and is generally adorable.
Everybody should have a Mini Big Nog for a coach.
The Fight
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Comments (11)
First let me say great recap. You make all of this entertaining.
Because the show was not.
This is what this show has come to? Really?
They get paid to show this on TV?
1 of 11 | Posted by bmcl | Posted on November 7, 2008 3:09 PM
This was easily the most disgusting episode ever! The worst was the balut (which I confirmed with my Filipino friend is a great delicacy). Bleeeccchhhh!
The fight was great though. I knew Phillipe would win - Kaplan seems to be a lot of hot air just like Junie. And how hypocritical was it of old Marilyn to point out that Dave is all talk??
I loved the confused expression on Frankie's face when Phillipe won.....HA! Take that "coach"! :)
2 of 11 | Posted by Wild Heart | Posted on November 7, 2008 3:50 PM
I might be in the minority here, but I thought the urine in the fruit was hilarious. But after watching this episode late, I have come to the conclusion that neither team ate any contaminated food. The production probably switched out the food while no one else was there. My biggest reason for believing this is the fact that urine has a very noticeable smell and Phillipe as a nurse should have been able to detect that. And the level of piss was so obvious, that one of them HAD to have noticed it.
3 of 11 | Posted by FreewayShatk | Posted on November 7, 2008 8:50 PM
Wild Heart I completely agree with you--the most DISGUSTING episode ever. And I loved "Coach" Frankie's expression, as well.
FreewayShark my husband thought the marinated fruit was hilarious too!! I think it might be a guy thing to be more tolerant around that stuff : ) But eeeewwwwww!!!!! I wonder if you're right about the producer's switching the fruit. That would explain a lot. Also, I can't help wondering if there couldn't be some sort of liability involved?
Anyway, Yenta it was a great recap. GO RED TEAM!!
4 of 11 | Posted by rosesarered | Posted on November 9, 2008 8:13 AM
I don't even watch this show, but with that intro I had to read the recap!!
I have to agree with previous posters who said they thought the producers switched it. When reading the recap, I kept thinking "I can't believe they are letting them eat that!" On other shows when people have done something like clean the toilet with someone's toothbrushes, there has always been some sort of intervention. I can't believe the same wouldn't happen here. After all, what if one of the eaters got hepatitis from the urine? There would be lawsuits a-plenty! I'm sure all of the folks were tested before coming on the show, but still.
5 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on November 9, 2008 1:52 PM
This was perhaps the worst episode ever. I did enjoy seeing long persecuted (and incredibly stoic) Phillipe win the fight over yet another crude blowhard.
I hadn't thought of it, but I hope you guys are right about the food switching.
More than any other, this episode made me glad I hadn't talked a non-UFC fan into watching. So many bad examples to choose from. (And a few good ones).
A agree with your picks - Bader and Phillipe. They are certainly in the hunt to win it... and they set good examples as well.
6 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 9, 2008 10:03 PM
Oh! I almost forgot! Thanks for the screencaps of the ring girl!
7 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 9, 2008 10:04 PM
Hi Folks:
I have to say that I'm excited about the next couple of weeks. The fight matchups at least promise to be interesting.
Bmcl: I agree the shows a big leap from anything else I've seen on TV. It even sets a new low for reality TV. Yikes!!
Wild Heart: OMG the balut. Wow, talk about an eclectic palate!! I'm hoping that "Coach" Franke's expression of amazement stays on his face over the next couple of episodes.
FreewayShark: I have to admit that even though I was horrified and would think twice about having him in my house, I was giggling over Tom Lawlor peeing in the fruit tray. My hubby was actually more disgusted than I was. I must be getting desensitized watching this show.
After thinking it over, I have to wonder if you aren't right about the producers intervening--Clever fellow
Rosesarered: Let's keep our fingers, toes, and challah crossed for the red team : )
Fire@will: From reading some of the fighter's blogs I gather that next week is going to be even worse, so you may want to wait another week before introducing your friend to this trainwreck. Oy Veh!!
Thanks so much for posting. After a particularly yucky weekend, it was so nice to read your comments : )
Hugs,
Yenta
Snootchy Bootches: Thanks for reading and posting
8 of 11 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on November 10, 2008 6:46 AM
"The production probably switched out the food while no one else was there."
My boyfriend said the same thing and I agree. He also thinks that the fighters made too much of a show out of how "delicious" the fruit was, so they may have been in on the switch and were just told to play it up. There's no way they would let anyone unknowingly consume the bodily fluids of another person. Like Snootchy Bootches said, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
9 of 11 | Posted by Wild Heart | Posted on November 10, 2008 12:52 PM
People! It's called Suspension of Disbelief. If you are going to "enjoy" - and I use that term in it's most liberal sense - this show you have to be able to stop thinking about what is plausible. If the show tells us that the guys ate wee and man juice, then they ate wee and man juice.
Gross.
10 of 11 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on November 11, 2008 8:11 AM
Awww, come on, what's a little man-juice? I can't believe these big, tough guys are so freaked out by something that the ladies (and some of us fellas) have to ingest every other day (or every day if I'm having a particularly good week). Of course, they're not gay, so I'm sure that in their minds "ingesting jizz = major homosexualness" but personally I think as far as sexual deviants go, the piss-drinking crowd are a tad worse (not to mention unfuckingkissable). Too funny!
Sorry I've been incommunicado Yenta, but I was in Vegas being forced to watch the likes of ring-girl "dance" (which mostly involved a lot of walking back and forth, ass-shaking and touching/flipping her hair)... so sad.
Great recap!
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on November 11, 2008 12:04 PM