Eventually the other fighters, the coaches, and even Big Daddy notice that Jason is having some problems. We know this because they all tell the camera that "Jason seems to be having some problems." In my mind all of this begs the questions of what 30-year-old moron does this to himself on national TV? And why the hell isn't Big Daddy throwing Barf Bucket's smelly overheated ass into an ambulance so he can get hooked up to the IV fluids he so clearly needs? And why didn't Barf Bucket start purging his Twinkies a week or so before, instead of showing up with 17 lbs to lose to make weight? As the one time reigning queen of crash diets, I can tell you that outside of some serious liposuction their isn't any way in hell that he's losing 17 lbs in time for the ball.
Big Daddy explains that the doctors will only allow fighters to cut so much weight because eventually their kidneys can just shut down. And, sure enough, we see a kindly doctor from the Athletic Commission examining Barf Bucket and telling him that his blood pressure is a little down. The doctor approaches Big Daddy and suggests that he go ahead and weigh Jason and then get him hooked up to an IV. If his weight is down to 206 lbs the doctor will let him fight. Okay, I call foul. By all means, take away his barf bucket and stop the insanity, but either the weight cutoff is 205 lbs or it's not. Seriously, if you aren't a size 2 you don't get to wear the dress. Sorry, this show is triggering some PTSD from my younger years.
It turns out that Jason weighs in at 207 lbs. and the good doctor decides to keep him from fighting. A couple of pertinent facts here: the doctor is a nice older man and Barf Bucket is a 207 lb psycho who's probably feeling more than a little peckish right now. The doctor stays in the other room, while Frankie delivers the news.
This is why the coaches are heavyweights
Ultimately, despite begging, pleading, and threatening looks, Barf Bucket takes the walk of shame to the waiting ambulance.
Too many bagels!!
Of course, now they're down to 31 guys so Big Daddy is forced to bring in an alternate who fervently thanks Barf Bucket for failing to make weight. Proof that one man's failed eating disorder is a skinnier man's opportunity.
And then we have a series of weigh ins with the fighters taking really lame fighting stances, but in the midst of this one guy stands out:
In another life he's a Marilyn impersonator.
Fight Day
Dun ta Dun type music as a large white van pulls up and releases 32 men; a scene easily confused with an early morning work release program.
Big Daddy sits at a table between Mini and Frankie while they evaluate the fighters. Now, I have to make a confession here. The former coach Rampage Jackson was a riot and I was pretty sad when he didn't come back this season, but I'm holding out hope that either Frankie or Mini will rise up to meet his standard. However, since Mini needs subtitles to be understood and Frankie has yet to make much impression, I'm a little worried. Anyhoo, the fights are supposed to be two five-minute rounds, but it's pretty rare that these fights go anywhere near that long. In a large majority of the initial fights, one of the fighters gets his ass kicked pretty quickly.
Fight 1
Mike Stewart vs. Krzysztof Soszynski
Mike Stewart was the last minute alternate for Barf Bucket. The guy's voice sounds like he's been sucking helium, so it's kind of hard to take him too seriously.
Krzysztof Soszynski pretty much looks like he's just been released from the Gulag, so I'm betting on him.
Sure enough, Krazy...I'm not going to keep typing that entire name... throws a couple of preliminary kicks and then beats the crap out of Mike Stewart in less than a minute. So much for being a helium sucking alternate.
Fight 2
Fernando "Machete" Bernstein Versus David Kaplan
I love it when two Jewish boys fight. Well, Fernando isn't a Jewish name, but Bernstein is, so at least half Jewish. Anyhoo, let me tell you, Jewish boys can be mean. I know, I've had to separate my cousins.
David Kaplan tells us that he's not the 'normal meathead'. He doesn't fight for honor. The only reason he fights is for money. Nothing like perpetuating Jewish stereotypes even in the psychotic fringes.
Really, couldn't he make more money having sex with old blind ladies?
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Comments (9)
Love it! Love it!
Go get em, Yenta!!!
1 of 9 | Posted by bmcl | Posted on September 20, 2008 12:45 PM
Yenta! You're Back!! Yippee!!
And you're so right about breaking up Jewish boys--my sons are a nightmare to break up when they get into it.
Funny, funny recap...I'm so looking forward to reading the next one...
2 of 9 | Posted by rosesarered | Posted on September 20, 2008 2:19 PM
You dont no nothing about MMA
there real athletes and unless you can get in the ring you shouldnt be writing
And you shouldnt call people Jewish
3 of 9 | Posted by jujitsuking | Posted on September 21, 2008 5:54 AM
Jujitsuking: I'm guessing they don't call you JuKing for short? XOXO It will all look better when you sober up, I promise.
Bmcl and Rosesarered: Love you guys, thanks for the sweet words.
Hugs,
Yenta
4 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:19 AM
Great recap! (But, be prepared for some harsh comments - "fan" is short for fanatic, after all)
I'm a long time UFC fan and long thought it was perfect fodder for 'gasm.
I think Dana is smart - many of the contestants - not so much. They are genuine atheletes, though.
They are put under tremendous pressure, sequestered in a rented house, deprived of TV-books-phones... and supplied with seemingly endless alcohol. What could go wrong?
Looking forward to the season - and to your unique takes on it!
5 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:25 AM
Hey Fire@will,
Thanks for the warning. I've had the same concerns and thought long and hard before deciding to try my hand at recapping the show. But, I really wanted to recap something that inspired some honest emotion in me.
I actually used to be a huge boxing and kickboxing fan and I've been watching the UFC for a while. I have a lot of respect for serious, trained fighters. However, for me, the UFC feels like it's in a gray area, with more big strong psycho's than honest hard trained athletes. That being said, I still watch every season, mainly out of curiosity. And I agree, Dana has to be smart. He's built this thing into a huge business, and he does it by successfully managing deranged individuals...
I'm definitely hoping for your insight on some of the more serious fights and I'm totally psyched that you're a fan of the show,
Hugs,
Yenta
6 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 21, 2008 4:13 PM
Yenta,
I have to agree with fire@will that the fighters in the UFC are true atheletes. Of course like in any atheletic endeavor, there are going to be knuckleheads. For every Rich Franklin, there are five Chris Lebens. The ones who get ahead in the sport are usually intelligent, responsible people. Unfortunely those people do not go on The Ultimate Fighter.
I enjoyed your recap and found it highly amusing. I have been a fan of boxing and MMA for many years - if you have a question about the sport, please put it in a comment on one of the recaps.
Keep up the good work!
7 of 9 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on September 22, 2008 12:13 PM
yenta, stay strong honey, you did a fine job, I especially loved the Geico jab, that was worth some inadvertent peeing.
I have big problems with UFC and their ilk... mostly because they can get away with straddling each other the way they do (but that's not at all gay-looking) and yet I could be walking down the street minding my own bidness and still have some asshole (in a UFC be-stickered truck) zoom by and yell out "faggot!" while either throwing a half-empty beer bottle at me or attempting to run me over. (This is, BTW, a true story.) Shit like that gets annoying.
I love you, though, so there.
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 9 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 22, 2008 1:19 PM
Hey Buddy, I will definitely be posting some technical questions to you regarding rules and techniques. Thank you so much for posting :)
J-Mo, I am so sorry you had to deal with that akhzer (out of respect for Flipit I couldn't write the word in English--but it's a bad one). I'll keep an eye out to do something avenging for you.
Love you too...
Hugs Yenta
9 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 22, 2008 1:58 PM