The "Machete" guy better be pretty amazing with a name like that, otherwise it's a dead set up to be the butt of a lot of jokes.
I'm the butt of a lot of jokes...
Actually, this fight's a little better than the last, in that it's actually a fight not a slaughter. They spend a lot of time standing and throwing punches which is kind of unusual. Normally, it's all about submissions. But, they hug for a few minutes before Kaplan gets the Machete on the ground, sits on him, punches him for a while, before choking him until the Machete taps out. So, Kaplan's in the house, while Bernstein "the Machete" is out. Big Daddy is loving this outcome telling us that Bernstein was more like a butter knife than a machete.
Hee-Hee, I made a funny!!
Fight 3
Joe Duarte Versus Phillippe Nover (The Fainter)
Joe has a mohawk and tells us that he came from Guam with only $500 in his pocket.
Mohawks are so 1980's...
Phillippe is the fainter, but, despite his weak beginning, he tells us that he thinks of himself as a predator and his opponent as prey that he's going to have for dinner.
Finally, a place where I can eat what I want to.
The same ring girl that they always have struts out holding up her card and the fight starts. A minute in to the round, the Fainter knees Joe Duarte in his privates and, showing a rare moment of empathy, the ref pulls him back to let Joe recover:
Not a good day to go without a cup.
Duarte seems pretty pissed about that whole kneeing incident and comes back swinging, knocking the Fainter back against the cage where they hug for a while. The Fainter goes back to kneeing and trying to stomp on Duarte's feet. I'm thinking that he must have taken the same self-defense class that I did. Duarte finally knocks the fainter down and then they do this:
And this:
And the bell rings. The coaches mutter and confer before round two. This time The Fainter ends up on top and starts seriously pounding on Duartes before choking him out within the first minute. Duarte is out and The Fainter stays in the house feeling like he's redeemed himself. Maybe he has, but he's still going to be known as The Fainter to me.
Fight 4
Eric Magee versus Jules Bruched
Eric's dream is to beat peoples' faces in and get paid to do it.
The world's dullest psychopath
I have to say that it's reassuring that our society has a venue where anti-social personalities can mingle and play and earn their own way. However, as anti-social as Eric might be, he's nothing to Jules. Jules tells us that he grew up on a farm. Jules also tells us that the first thing he thinks about when the cage closes is that he hopes God forgives him for what he's about to do. Jules is putting a new reading on the crayzometer.
I hope God forgives me for what I did with those cows.
There's no fooling around in this fight. They go straight to the ground where they do this:
And this:
And Farmboy wins. His testosterone reaches dangerous levels and he storms around the ring ranting and yelling a lot of crazy boisterous stuff. The coaches and Big Daddy look at each other and Frankie sums up all of their reactions by saying "cuckoo".
Fight 5
Lance Evans versus Vinicius Magalhaes
This fight lasts about 30 seconds. The time necessary for Vinny to throw a series of kicks and break some of Lance's ribs. See, $100,000 is just not enough money to put up with this crap.
The Winner!
Fight 6
Antwain Britt versus Ryan Jimme
This fight actually went to full time and it was the first one decided by decision. The win was awarded to Antwain. Apparently, it wasn't a very exciting fight, because the majority of it was edited out.
The Winner!
Fight 7
Brian McLaughlin versus Brandon Garner
Brian starts whaling on Brandon, but Brandon delivers an illegal knee to the head. Apparently, in the octagon it's illegal to knee someone in the head if he's on the ground. I always think that it's good to know the social boundaries of a wide variety of situations. I can tell you that it's perfectly acceptable to knee someone in the head when you're in pursuit of your best friend's wedding dress.
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Comments (9)
Love it! Love it!
Go get em, Yenta!!!
1 of 9 | Posted by bmcl | Posted on September 20, 2008 12:45 PM
Yenta! You're Back!! Yippee!!
And you're so right about breaking up Jewish boys--my sons are a nightmare to break up when they get into it.
Funny, funny recap...I'm so looking forward to reading the next one...
2 of 9 | Posted by rosesarered | Posted on September 20, 2008 2:19 PM
You dont no nothing about MMA
there real athletes and unless you can get in the ring you shouldnt be writing
And you shouldnt call people Jewish
3 of 9 | Posted by jujitsuking | Posted on September 21, 2008 5:54 AM
Jujitsuking: I'm guessing they don't call you JuKing for short? XOXO It will all look better when you sober up, I promise.
Bmcl and Rosesarered: Love you guys, thanks for the sweet words.
Hugs,
Yenta
4 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:19 AM
Great recap! (But, be prepared for some harsh comments - "fan" is short for fanatic, after all)
I'm a long time UFC fan and long thought it was perfect fodder for 'gasm.
I think Dana is smart - many of the contestants - not so much. They are genuine atheletes, though.
They are put under tremendous pressure, sequestered in a rented house, deprived of TV-books-phones... and supplied with seemingly endless alcohol. What could go wrong?
Looking forward to the season - and to your unique takes on it!
5 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on September 21, 2008 8:25 AM
Hey Fire@will,
Thanks for the warning. I've had the same concerns and thought long and hard before deciding to try my hand at recapping the show. But, I really wanted to recap something that inspired some honest emotion in me.
I actually used to be a huge boxing and kickboxing fan and I've been watching the UFC for a while. I have a lot of respect for serious, trained fighters. However, for me, the UFC feels like it's in a gray area, with more big strong psycho's than honest hard trained athletes. That being said, I still watch every season, mainly out of curiosity. And I agree, Dana has to be smart. He's built this thing into a huge business, and he does it by successfully managing deranged individuals...
I'm definitely hoping for your insight on some of the more serious fights and I'm totally psyched that you're a fan of the show,
Hugs,
Yenta
6 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 21, 2008 4:13 PM
Yenta,
I have to agree with fire@will that the fighters in the UFC are true atheletes. Of course like in any atheletic endeavor, there are going to be knuckleheads. For every Rich Franklin, there are five Chris Lebens. The ones who get ahead in the sport are usually intelligent, responsible people. Unfortunely those people do not go on The Ultimate Fighter.
I enjoyed your recap and found it highly amusing. I have been a fan of boxing and MMA for many years - if you have a question about the sport, please put it in a comment on one of the recaps.
Keep up the good work!
7 of 9 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on September 22, 2008 12:13 PM
yenta, stay strong honey, you did a fine job, I especially loved the Geico jab, that was worth some inadvertent peeing.
I have big problems with UFC and their ilk... mostly because they can get away with straddling each other the way they do (but that's not at all gay-looking) and yet I could be walking down the street minding my own bidness and still have some asshole (in a UFC be-stickered truck) zoom by and yell out "faggot!" while either throwing a half-empty beer bottle at me or attempting to run me over. (This is, BTW, a true story.) Shit like that gets annoying.
I love you, though, so there.
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 9 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 22, 2008 1:19 PM
Hey Buddy, I will definitely be posting some technical questions to you regarding rules and techniques. Thank you so much for posting :)
J-Mo, I am so sorry you had to deal with that akhzer (out of respect for Flipit I couldn't write the word in English--but it's a bad one). I'll keep an eye out to do something avenging for you.
Love you too...
Hugs Yenta
9 of 9 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on September 22, 2008 1:58 PM