Testimonials

As I sort of explained last week, Matt Hardy is part of a bizarre love four-cornered geometric shape between he, Lita, Edge and Kane. Tonight, Matt told a very surreal tale of love in the squared circle. Evidently, Matt says he and Lita, whose real name is Amy Dumas, were an actual couple for six years, and that her marriage to Kane on RAW was fake. SUMMER OF SECRETS! But while he was home recovering from a serious knee injury, Amy/Lita started having a real affair with Adam Copeland, better known as Edge, who on the show was one of Matt’s best friends. So now Matt is coming back to fake wrestling to avenge the loss of his real girlfriend to his fake best friend. Or something like that. More interesting was Matt’s comment that the only thing that would make him “more happy” than personally ending Edge’s career is if Edge were killed in a car accident before he had the chance. (If Vince McMahon really had grapefruit-sized balls, he would totally have Edge killed in a car accident this week. That would rule!)

Val Venis, a former porn star, then fought Rob Conway, a former top. The “Conman”, as he’s now calling himself, explained that from now on things would get done “his way, the Con-way.” (Get it? Cuz his last name’s Conway?) Evidently, the Con-way involves dressing as the sixth Village person, as his new costume featured a leather cap, sunglasses, sideburns and trunks made of leather, studs and fishnet. Oh well, whatever floats the Con-boat.

A special segment on HBK’s career was up next, built around a spoof of an interview Hulk Hogan did with Larry King last week. All I can say is that it was horrible, brother. Oh, and Shawn Michaels with a fake mustache looks surprisingly like an effeminate Nick Nolte, brother. Try sleeping tonight with that image in your head, brother. Brother. Brother! (And…scene.)

The RAW Diva search continued. After last week’s Hot Dog eating debacle, what form of culinary humiliation would the Diva-hopefuls be subjected to this week? Tying cherry stems with their tongues? Deep-throating the Mighty Igor’s kielbasa? No, this week the contest had nothing to do with food. Instead, they played a game of Queen of the Mountain, which was basically a dumbed-down jousting contest straight out of American Gladiators. Promoting his new film, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Rob Schneider served as special guest referee, who warned the ladies to “try not to be distracted by my boner.” Ironically, this is the same advice Ralph gave his kitchen-mates in Hell’s Kitchen last night, and you saw where that got him.

Finally, it was time for the main event: a title match between the WWE Champion John Cena and the Intercontinental Champion Carlito.

With Chris Jericho once again serving as “special” referee, and Eric Bischoff prowling the outside of the ring to make sure his plans to strip Cena of the title did not go awry, things didn’t look good for the champ. Although to be fair, his shoes looked fabulous.

So, who do you think will win in two weeks at Summer Slam?

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Posted in WWE/RAW by Guest Columnist at 5:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)
Last Comment: norsegod on Aug 4, 2005 08:29 PM.