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After the break, Edge is seen whining to Bischoff about last night's loss in the Steel Cage Match to Matt Hardy. "Last night, Matt Hardy went too far," Edge tells Bischoff. "He touched my monkey." And by monkey, Edge of course means Lita. "Not only did he touch my monkey woman," he continues, "he gave her an orgasm." Not really. But the thought of Matt Hardy giving Lita an orgasm is almost as believable as the thought of Matt Hardy giving Lita the Twist of Fate, which he actually did. Edge demands that Bischoff fire Matt Hardy. Bischoff finger-snaps, telling Edge "Oh no you di'int! You're not the only one around here with problems, Mr. Edge. Have you seen my hair?" Bischoff then makes a special "Loser Leaves RAW" Ladder Match between Edge and Matt for WWE Homecoming.

(3) tyson tomko Knocks Out Eddie Craven Scott Ian from Anthrax tyson tomko is up next against Eddie Craven, the hometown hero from Wichita Falls. You know you're in (I said urine) big trouble when you're introduced (I said it again) as a hometown hero and you're wearing lavender trunks. T-Squared (as Coach is now calling tyson) knocks Craven out with a big boot to the face, followed up by a bigger celebration. At least I think it's a celebration. tomko talks so quietly, for all I know he could have been sharing his recipe for short rib osso bucco.

A recap of the Flair/Carlito feud ends with a clip from last night's match at Unforgiven, when Flair took the title from Carlito. Unfortunately, what they didn't show was a clip of Flair's post-match Viagra-bender. I only bring this up (get it? up?) because JR, the King and Coach talked about it incessantly during the match. If I hadn't gone to the WWE site earlier today to see who won at Unforgiven, I'd have never known about Flair's victory over erectile dysfunction.

(4) Rick Flair Defeats Carlito Via Figure Four Submission This was a decent match, although I was distracted by the announcing team's improvisational reading of the Viagra Monologues. King: "Flair gave me a Viagra, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck all day." King, to Coach: "Did Flair give you a blue pill?" Coach: "I don't need a pill." King, to JR: "I heard when Coach takes them, he just gets taller." copygodd: "WTF?" The match ends when Flair locks in the Figure Four, uses the ropes for extra leverage and makes Carlito tap out. That's not cool.

Todd Grisham is interviewing Matt Hardy V.Loser.0. HBK interrupts and brags about how he stole the show at Unforgiven. At the mention of "show" the Big Show interrupts and says something lame. This, of course, is the cue for Cena to interrupt, delivering one of the lamest promos in the history of TVgasm's RAW recaps: "We're kickin' ass, takin' names, cashin' checks and breakin' necks with the intensities of ten cities!" Intensity in 10 Cities? Wasn't that the name of an old Ted Nugent album? (Yikes! The fact that I referenced The Nuge and used the word "album" means Busto is probably the only person who'll get this joke.)

Maria then interviews Rick Flair. (Hey, we only had five matches tonight. Gotta fill the airtime somehow.) She asks him why they call him the Nature Boy. "It's because I can 'whooooo!!' all night long," he tells her. Not to mention sweat enough to power three science fair experiments. Carlito suddenly jumps Flair, then Chris Masters pulls out of Coach long enough to put Flair in the MasterLock, enabling Carlito to get in a few cheap shots and one massive apple spit.

My bad.

(5) HBK, Big Show, Matt Hardy and John Cena Defeat Kurt Angle, Snitsky, Edge and Chris Masters by Giant Pinfall Finally, it's time for tonight's main event, an eight-man tag team match between some of the top names on the current RAW roster. Of course, with eight wrestlers competing, the intros alone took over six minutes. Speaking of which, during his intro, Masters was wearing a new cloak that looked like a Bedazzled version of Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. (Go Tana!) The match goes back and forth, with surprisingly little homoerotic commentary from Coach, until eventually HBK is the only one from his team not knocked out of the ring. He gets beat up a while, then a very pissed Big Show comes back in, followed by the rest of Team Boring. The match ends when Big Show chokeslams Edge, then everyone jumps on Big Show's back for a gang-pin. Yawn.

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Posted in WWE/RAW by copygodd at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: realiTV fan on Sep 22, 2005 01:09 PM.