So, did you guys catch Prison Break tonight? Man, that show has it all: prison family values, the ever-present threat of butt-rape and a character named TeaBag. Of course, RAW isn't without its own share of deviants, but still... something about setting the show in a prison run by Stacey Keach as the tough-but-fair warden with a heart of gold just makes Prison Break seem so much more real than professional wrestling.
Tonight was RAW's special three-hour Homecoming episode, their first back on the USA Network, where they got their start so many years ago. Will the return to their old stomping grounds give the show some much needed Joe-mentum, or will it continue to be more of the same crap I've been struggling to make entertaining the past couple months?
Since tonight's ep was three-plus hours, and since I got a late start because I couldn't tear myself away from TeaBag and the boys (as Dave Barry would say, that would make a great name for a rock band), I'm going to attempt a non-live liveblog of Homecoming. Of course, considering how late it already is, I still may not post it till tomorrow morning, but it's the thought that counts, right?
11:25 PM Dammit, I missed the first five minutes of the broadcast. Evidently, USA started the show five minutes early, and neglected to tell my TIVO. Hope this isn't a sign of things to come.
11:30 PM Foley is GOD! And God has really let himself go. After a couple years off, Mick's probably built up a lot of ring-rust, so I hope he's not going to fight tonight. Ooh, nice shout-out to Dallas, Mick. Good to see you haven't accumulated any suck-up rust.
11:31 PM Rowdy Roddy Piper is drunk. And afraid of the dark, thanks to Mrs. Foley's baby boy's new book, Scooter, available at bookstores nationwide.
11:33 PM Piper tells us that Foley's crazy. How crazy? "You have people throw you off of 25 steel cages onto the floor! You land on thumb-takes." I miss Roddy.
11:34 PM Someone I don't miss? Randy Orton, who interrupts Piper's Pit to have a talk with Hot Rod about the way he used to treat Randy's dad, Cowboy Bob Orton. Guess Randy still hasn't been weaned off the old man's teat.
11:35 PM The two Ortons beat up Foley and Piper. Fifteen minutes in and two of my favorite superstars have already gotten their asses handed to them. Damb. I haven't had a homecoming start off this badly since the first time I met the wife's parents.
11:44 PM With RAW general manager Eric Bischoff dressed in black and SmackDown! general manager Teddy Long dressed in white, this encounter has Revenge of the Sith written all over it. Except the dialogue is better and the acting is more realistic. Eric warns Teddy about trying any shenanigans tonight on his show. "Watch it playa," Teddy answers. "You need to get that bass out of your voice." Eric tells Teddy to back off, and walks away. I smell foreshadowing. Or maybe it's just Murdoch.
11:46 PM Our first look at the retired superstars gathered for tonight's special event. And I thought ex-presidents aged badly.
11:48 PM The 30-Minute Iron Man Match between Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels is about to get underway. The King tells us the giant clock in the corner of the screen labeled "Countdown Clock" is there to help us count down the time. Thanks, King.
11:51 PM HBK is already using the Sleeper hold on Angle. I'm already using less tonic in my vodka.
12:05 AM Angle is exfoliating HBK's face with his elbow. If I could touch my face with my elbow, I bet that'd work. Maybe I'll offer to try it on my wife tomorrow night.
12:07 AM According to JR, Angle is holding on to HBK's ankle "pugnaciously, like a pit bull dog." This, of course, is slightly different than a "pit bull in size 6 shoes," as Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers has been described. Slightly.
12:11 AM HBK unleashes his most vicious hold of all: the Bitch Slap.
And...scene!
12:17 AM The match ends tied at two falls apiece. HBK almost had a third fall, but King's clock ran out right as the ref's count reached two. He immediately challenges Angle to sudden death, but Kurt inexplicably passes and heads backstage. Maybe he needs to pee?
12:19 AM HBK is congratulated by the legends gathered in the front row. One of them appears to be holding a giant stuffed parrot. Did Captain Morgan used to wrestle for the WWE?
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Comments (5)
I refuse to acknowledge any wrestling reviewer that has never heard of the Von Erich family. And for the love of god, how can you NOT know who Koko-B-Ware is????
Can we have a new reviewer for RAW pleaseeee???
1 of 5 | Posted by old-school | Posted on October 4, 2005 9:50 AM
Not knowing the Von Erich's and Koko is tough. If you didn't know it was Snuka who jumped off the top rope.
2 of 5 | Posted by Million Dollar Bird | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:08 AM
i've heard of the birdman. that was just a joke.
and i know who snuka is. i read about him in foley's book.
but since i just started watching wrestling in the late '90s, von erich was a total mystery to me. sorry.
on the plus side, when raw moves back to spike in five or ten years, i'll know a few more of the legends occupying my screen.
3 of 5 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:15 AM
Copygodd, my MOM (who's in her late 50s) knows who Koko B. Ware is. Weak, dude.
That said, she's unaware that her one-time favorite "Ravishing" Rick Rude has passed.
4 of 5 | Posted by Papercuts! | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:15 AM
Any wrestling fan should know the doomed Von Erich family, they kicked ass back in the day. My great aunt got me hooked on wrestling via the Von Erichs waaay back in 19... anyways. Those were some fine white boys. I had some very bad fantasies about ALL of them and I couldn't have been more than 10. Oh the corruption of wrestling. Now RAW is creating a new generation of homo's.
Although you lack knowledge of the game thanks for turning me back on to RAW. I started tuning in because of the B-Side Boys reviews and last nights show was GREAT!
5 of 5 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:20 AM