12:21 AM Lillian Garcia introduces one of the legends, Kevin Von Erich. While I've never heard of Mr. Von Erich, I immediately hate him, as he has part of my real name. At least, part of my real name as it was supposed to be. Unfortunately, it's a long story I can't share without divulging my true identity, or making my parents look bad, so you'll just have to trust me on this one.
12:24 AM Vince McMahon is talking backstage with Eric Bischoff about Eric's match later tonight. Vince makes the best faces. He's like the Jim Carrey of the WWE. Except Vince can act.
12:25 AM After a brief spat, Vince tells Eric, "Neither you nor anyone else in this business has any idea just how sick... how twisted... and how perverted I can be." Uh, Vince...? Yes we do. Remember the XFL?
12:26 AM Lillian reads a handwritten introduction for the WWE Chairman: "He is strong. He is handsome. He is... well-endowed?" Cue Vinnie McStrutsalot.
12:27 AM McMahon is shaking his leg like there's something wrong with his prostate. He shows a clip of him beating Stone Cold Steve Austin several years ago. Stone Cold's supposed to be here tonight. I hope he comes out soon. Maybe we'll get to see the clip of him making McMahon pee his pants.
12:28 AM I love Austin's "What?" bit. When he says something one way... "What?" Then repeats it in a slightly different manner... "What?" In a manner that differs slightly from the previous version... "What?"
12:30 AM Austin runs footage of his hospital visit with Vince. Nothing's funnier than seeing Vince get hit upside the head with a bedpan. Except seeing Vince's tighty-whities. Next, we see the clip where Vince peed himself. Yes! And, for old times sake, one last clip of Austin spraying down Vince, Shane and The Rock with a beer truck.
12:31 AM This is sad. I've laughed more in the last couple minutes than I have at the last year's worth of RAW. I need a hug.
12:33 AM Finally, Stone Cold gives Vince a Stunner.
12:34 AM Austin starts to celebrate with a few beers, when he's interrupted by Vince's son, Shane. Time for another Stunner.
Hooray, beer!
12:35 AM Vince's daughter, Stephanie, interrupts Stone Cold's beerebration. Looks like Triple H has bought his wife some new boobies! Stone Cold asks for a kiss; Steph gives him a slap in the kisser. Which, of course, leads to another Stunner.
12:36 AM Linda McMahon comes out and demands an explanation. Stone Cold tells her her family is a piece of trash. She can't really argue with that, so she agrees to share a beer with Stone Cold. Of course, he stuns her.
12:45 AM The "Loser Leaves RAW" Ladder Match between Matt Hardy and Edge is about to get started. I loves me a good Ladder Match, as they're really hard to fake.
12:46 AM Oops, looks like I spoke too soon. Matt just took a lame fall off the ladder.
12:52 AM JR calls the match a "human demolition derby". Coach, trying to keep up, calls it a "wrestling version of the Tea Cup ride." Coach is an idiot.
12:53 AM Lita is on her knees between the two wrestlers. Yeah, she's never been in that position before.
12:54 AM Twist of Fate! Twist of Fate! Twist of Fate!
12:57 AM As this whole feud was started by Lita cheating on Matt with Edge, it seems only fitting that Lita and Edge have to cheat to win the match. Moral? Cheating rules! Matt Hardy is escorted out of the building. So much for Mattitude Version Squats-To-Pee.
1:08 AM Ashley is backstage with Trish, lacing up her top for their Bra and Panties Match later in the evening. Mae Young, who's older than our Constitution, comes in and throws off her shirt. My cat throws up a hairball.
1:11 AM In a backstage interview, Ric Flair credits Triple H with saving his career and his life. All while wearing one of Phyllis Diller's old robes. Woooo!!!
1:14 AM Coach shushes JR during Chris Masters' entrance. Good to see USA's not going to make them tone down the homoerotic commentary.
1:17 AM Time to play the Game. Triple H is back. And so his old Motorhead music. Not to mention my old gut. Looks like Triple H has been having a few too many triple scoops at Maggie Moo's during his time off. That, or George Costanza just shrunk his trunks.
1:25 AM After carrying Flair and dominating the match, Triple H looks to the camera and smiles. That can mean only one thing: time to bring out the jumbo bottle of Pert. Actually, he brings out a sledgehammer.
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Comments (5)
I refuse to acknowledge any wrestling reviewer that has never heard of the Von Erich family. And for the love of god, how can you NOT know who Koko-B-Ware is????
Can we have a new reviewer for RAW pleaseeee???
1 of 5 | Posted by old-school | Posted on October 4, 2005 9:50 AM
Not knowing the Von Erich's and Koko is tough. If you didn't know it was Snuka who jumped off the top rope.
2 of 5 | Posted by Million Dollar Bird | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:08 AM
i've heard of the birdman. that was just a joke.
and i know who snuka is. i read about him in foley's book.
but since i just started watching wrestling in the late '90s, von erich was a total mystery to me. sorry.
on the plus side, when raw moves back to spike in five or ten years, i'll know a few more of the legends occupying my screen.
3 of 5 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:15 AM
Copygodd, my MOM (who's in her late 50s) knows who Koko B. Ware is. Weak, dude.
That said, she's unaware that her one-time favorite "Ravishing" Rick Rude has passed.
4 of 5 | Posted by Papercuts! | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:15 AM
Any wrestling fan should know the doomed Von Erich family, they kicked ass back in the day. My great aunt got me hooked on wrestling via the Von Erichs waaay back in 19... anyways. Those were some fine white boys. I had some very bad fantasies about ALL of them and I couldn't have been more than 10. Oh the corruption of wrestling. Now RAW is creating a new generation of homo's.
Although you lack knowledge of the game thanks for turning me back on to RAW. I started tuning in because of the B-Side Boys reviews and last nights show was GREAT!
5 of 5 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:20 AM