1:27 AM Triple H pins Carlito, then hugs his BF4EVA Ric Flair.
1:28 AM Wait, did I say best friend? I meant arch-enemy. How else to explain HHH busting Flair in the face with the sledgehammer? Hunter, someone's got some 'splainin' to do...
B&W makes anything look artsy.
1:35 AM Triple H is still beating up Ric Flair in the back. As he tosses a bloody Flair into the back of the limo, he calls Flair a "limo-riding, jet-flying piece of crap." Who's writing HHH's material? John Cena?
1:40 AM The WWE Legends have gathered together in the ring. Apparently, Dusty Rhodes is now paying the bills by impersonating Jabba the Hutt. After introducing a few of the still-recognizable ex-Superstars, Jabba is interrupted by none other than Coach's other man-crush, Rob Conway. "Did someone forget to change their Depends?" he asks. The old people jump on Conway faster than the buffet at an AARP convention. Just look at me, indeed.
Looks like someone needs a good waxing.
1:46 AM Time for the Bra and Panties match. The rules are pretty simple: the first team to strip the other team down to their bra and panties win. Doesn't sound so hard, does it? I'll tell you what is hard: having to listen to the announcers run through their litany of "hard" puns: JR: "That's a hard kick by Torrie." King: "You think that's hard? Look at this!" JR: "Well, it is a hard match to call." Coach: "You're having a hard time calling this match?" King: "I know I am." JR: "I have an erection."
1:50 AM Trish and Ashley finally get the pants off Torrie Wilson to pick up the victory, while Coach and King share a cigarette.
1:51 AM Eric Bischoff tells Kurt Angle that Vince McMahon left the building earlier, thus leaving him in charge. Of course, he takes the opportunity to make his upcoming match against John Cena a No-DQ Match, and invites Kurt down to ringside to help him pick up a victory. "I just want to be champion one night," he tells Kurt. "You help me win tonight, and I'll make you champion tomorrow." Oh Eric, I bet you say that to all the girls.
1:53 AM Tazz and Michael Cole, SmackDown!'s announcers, are out to call tonight's special SmackDown! match pitting Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit and Batista against Christian, Eddie Guerrero and JBL. Cole and Tazz must have been hitting the espresso hard all evening (damn you, "hard" puns!), as they've already talked more in the past few minutes than JR, Coach and King have all night.
1:56 AM Tazz and Cole still haven't stopped talking. They're joined by Teddy Long, who immediately starts talking. Fortunately, they shut up when Eric Bischoff comes out and cancels the SmackDown! match. Not only that, he orders the ring lights turned off. Snap!
2:01 AM Mean Gene introduces the one, the only, Hulk Hogan! Hogan still moves pretty well for a guy who's had his hip and knee replaced. What's next for Hogan? "Brother, how 'bout one more match, brother, with the Texas Rattlesnake, brother, Stone brother Cold brother Steve brother Austin? Brother brother brother!" One more match for Hogan? No...
2:05 AM Eric Bischoff enters the ring for his championship match against John Cena. Eric must still be under the impression that black is slimming. Doesn't he ever watch TLC's What Not To Wear?
2:10 AM Someone holds up a "Piss off Bischoff" sign. Right now, that's funnier than anything I got.
2:15 AM Angle interferes, but Cena still manages to pick up the win. Just as Angle and Cena are starting to go at it, Teddy Long walks down the ramp and announces it's payback time for the way Eric made his wrestlers look foolish earlier in the evening. "We gonna do it 'gangsta-style,'" he tells Bischoff, then sends down about 15 white wrestlers from SmackDown! to get all O-G on them. A bunch of white RAW wrestlers (plus Shelton Benjamin) run down to even the odds as RAW goes off the air.
When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way.
All in all, the first night back on USA was pretty strong. Not as strong as I'd hoped, but still way better than the crap they'd been airing the past few weeks as they ran out their contract on Spike TV. Of course, it'll be a few months before we're able to tell if the switch back to USA is going to pay off or not, but a boy can hope, can't he?
So, what did you think?
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Comments (5)
I refuse to acknowledge any wrestling reviewer that has never heard of the Von Erich family. And for the love of god, how can you NOT know who Koko-B-Ware is????
Can we have a new reviewer for RAW pleaseeee???
1 of 5 | Posted by old-school | Posted on October 4, 2005 9:50 AM
Not knowing the Von Erich's and Koko is tough. If you didn't know it was Snuka who jumped off the top rope.
2 of 5 | Posted by Million Dollar Bird | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:08 AM
i've heard of the birdman. that was just a joke.
and i know who snuka is. i read about him in foley's book.
but since i just started watching wrestling in the late '90s, von erich was a total mystery to me. sorry.
on the plus side, when raw moves back to spike in five or ten years, i'll know a few more of the legends occupying my screen.
3 of 5 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:15 AM
Copygodd, my MOM (who's in her late 50s) knows who Koko B. Ware is. Weak, dude.
That said, she's unaware that her one-time favorite "Ravishing" Rick Rude has passed.
4 of 5 | Posted by Papercuts! | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:15 AM
Any wrestling fan should know the doomed Von Erich family, they kicked ass back in the day. My great aunt got me hooked on wrestling via the Von Erichs waaay back in 19... anyways. Those were some fine white boys. I had some very bad fantasies about ALL of them and I couldn't have been more than 10. Oh the corruption of wrestling. Now RAW is creating a new generation of homo's.
Although you lack knowledge of the game thanks for turning me back on to RAW. I started tuning in because of the B-Side Boys reviews and last nights show was GREAT!
5 of 5 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:20 AM