So, how was your Labor Day weekend? Yeah, I know that question's a day late, but then so's this week's recap. But at least I have an excuse: Monday night the wife and I went up to see Tori Amos play Red Rocks. She makes me swoon. (Tori and the wife.) Okay, enough swooning...
Monday's ep started off with another lame match between Kurt Angle and Eugene, the WWE's living, breathing After-School Special. Honestly, I haven't seen a 'tard get beat this badly since TVgasm went after Rosie O. (Of course, the time they went after her movie Riding The Bus With My Sister was pretty rough, too.) You knew right away that Kurt was going to win, as Jim Ross never once mentioned Eugene's "freakish strength." With no freakish strength at which to marvel, the highlight of this match had to be Angle's freakish new red white and blue mouthpiece. While on paper a tri-colored mouthguard sounds like a cool idea, in reality, it just looked like Kurt was sucking on a Bomb-Pop during the entire match. After making Eugene tap out to the Ankle Lock, Kurt refused to let go, which prompted John Cena to run out and protect his special friend. And what did Cena get in return? A special boot to the face from Kurt's new special friend, Tyson Tomko. Coach exclaimed that Tomko "took Cena's head clean off" although subsequent replays showed that Cena's head never actually left his body.
Backstage, general manager Eric Bischoff and Angle congratulate Tomko for (not really) taking Cena's head off. As a reward, Bischoff grants Tomko a match with Cena. I think Tomko's excited, but I can't say for certain as it turns out he's a low talker. For all I know, he could've just tricked Bischoff and Angle into wearing puffy shirts.
It's time to meet the WWE's newest tag team that's not Cade and Murdoch: Big Vis and Val Venis. As one (Val) is a recovering porn star and the other (Big Vis) is a 500-pound love machine who dresses in silk pajamas, the naming possibilities are endless. For now, I think I'll call them "Pork-n-Porn." Their opponents are Antonio and Romeo, the Heart"No, we don't know Siegfried and Roy"Throbs. "Porno and the Pig" (not to be confused with "Jake and the Fat Man," although that's another possible name) win.
Next up, highlights of Chris Masters and his "Master Lock Challenge."
If it's Monday night, it's Carlito's Cabana. Tonight Carlito's guest is none other than Ashley, the 2005 RAW Diva Search winner. Carlito disses Ashley's wardrobe, then her jewelry, then her hair. At that point, Ashley finger-snaps Carlito and fires back at his Justin Guarini 'do. Uh oh, Avril. That's not cool. Carlito picks up an apple, then begins to tell Ashley that bad things happen to people who insult Carlito on his cabana. (I think he said he's "uninsultable." I'll go with unintelligible.) As proof, he admits to beating up Ric Flair last week for insulting him (Carlito) on his show. Of course, this is the signal for Sweaty McPitstain to "Woooo!" his way down to the ring and toss Carlito around by his johnson. I'm not kidding, folks. Flair grabbed Carlito by the schlong and marched him around the ring. At one point, he even bit Carlito's finger as he got comfortable at third base. (When did the WWE hire a writer from Queer as Folk?) As Carlito stumbles up the ramp, Flair says he's going to "take a bite out of Carlito's ass" at Unforgiven, then does a few elbow and knee drops onto one of Carlito's apples unlucky enough not to be tossed from the ring. (Thank goodness Carlito's schtick is apples and not salad. I can just imagine the fun RAW's writers would have with that.)
Evidently, RAW hired Rob Zombie to direct the highlights of last week's Street Fight between Matt Hardy and Edge. I kept hoping Dr. Satan would pop in and disembowel Matt. Unfortunately, all we got was a lame exchange between Matt and Bischoff. Matt signs a contract for a Steel Cage match with Edge at Unforgiven, then reminds us all that "Matt Hardy will not die". Another thing Matt Hardy will not do: take acting classes. Once his name is on the contract, Bischoff tells Mattitude he has a tune-up match with Snitsky coming up after the break.
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Comments (4)
OMG, I'd better watch this show if all this homo-erotic stuff is going. Booyaa!
1 of 4 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on September 7, 2005 11:10 AM
LMAO!!! This was a pretty funny episode. I cant believe that Flair actually grabbed carlito by the balls and walked him around the ring. That was funny as hell.
BTW,
for anyone who wants to know how the Masters/HBK match went, well masters locked in the hold. and HBK smashed masters a number of times in the turnbuckles, Used the turnbuckles for leverage and kicked off to send the both to the mat, and smashed his head in the turnbuckle a few times and still masters held on. at the end the camera work was great for anyone who says wrestling is fake... you could see that Masters sweaty hands were slipping. I mean he was really struggling to make it look like he was holding on. Finally HBK broke the hold but my grandma could have broke the hold at that point and she is 88. But he made it look like it was taking all of his energy to pull masters hands apart.
Anyway, this was a great post dude keep up the good work! And this is still the best recap on the internet!
2 of 4 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on September 7, 2005 7:40 PM
Oh, I almost forgot... somehow Masters won... WTF? I thought the point was to break the hold... Lucy... You got some splainin to do! Oh well, sometimes its just not worth dwelling on... lol
3 of 4 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on September 7, 2005 7:43 PM
What kills me most about "Kerwin White" is that he is really Chavo Gerrero, related to Eddie Gerrero on Smackdown. When he got traded to Raw, he decided to become a white guy and renounce his Mexican ethnicity. He was a turd on Smackdown, and a turd on Raw.
Also, I never ever thought that men can have cleavage, man boobs yes, but cleavage?! Chris Masters is very scary.
4 of 4 | Posted by Jennifer T | Posted on September 8, 2005 7:51 AM