Testimonials

If you've been waiting for Hardy to actually win a match since his return to RAW earlier this summer, tonight your wait is finally over. Gotcha! Hardy got his ass beat. Again. Snitsky won in pretty short order, then caressed the back of Matt's head with the ring bell. I think he was supposed to hit Matt with it, but instead he kind of just love-tapped him. Big Show came out and grimaced, which was sufficient to scare Snitsky off. Which is ironic (take that, Alanis), because Snitsky is one of the scariest mofos I've ever seen. Even if you saw tonight's BB6 veto challenge, where they morphed three contestants' heads into one freakish mug, you still have no idea how ugly Snitsky is. But you do know that Cappy is even shorter as a woman. And Ivette's ass is now big enough to occupy the entire lower box in my TV's picture-in-a-picture feature.

Tyson Tomko gets his match against World Champion John Cena. Cena wins. Tomko mutters something under his breath, probably asking Cena if he'd like to carpool. Angle attacks Cena from behind at the top of the ramp. Yawn.

I'm not even going to mention the match between Torrie Wilson and Ashley. Other than mentioning they had one.

More Chris Masters "Master Lock Challenge" highlights. I wonder if he's having a match tonight?

Shelton Benjamin, one of the few African-American wrestlers in the WWE, is in a match against Rob Conway. Conway's theme song is Look At Me, which is getting harder and harder to avoid, as he's turned a Tang-ish shade of orange rivaled only by the late Strom Thurmond's hair. Just as the match is getting underway, Kerwin White drives his golf cart to ringside. The character of Kerwin White, or "K-White" as Coach calls him (amazing that Coach would give someone a nickname which sounds like a lubricant) is a flat-out racist. You'd expect him to start hanging around with Cade and Murdoch sometime soon, except K-White's more of a "country club" racist, whereas Cade and Murdoch are more the "let's drag that sumbitch behind my pick-up truck for a few miles" racists. After which, of course, Murdoch rapes said sumbitch. Conway picks up a cheap victory when Whitey trips Shelton with his 52-degree loft gap wedge.

Speaking of Deliverance, Cade and Murdoch are actually wrestling tonight in a non-title match against The Hurricane and Rosie, the current tag team champions. As soon as the announcer says it's a non-title match, you know Cade and Murdoch are going to win: the only question is how. Actually, the only question should be how anyone is supposed to take Murdoch seriously after seeing him in trunks. My grandfather, who's been dead for the past decade and counting, has better definition than this guy. No wonder he's a rapist. (Murdoch, not my grandfather.) Amazingly, Murdoch pins The Hurricane without resorting to sexual assault. Although I noticed nobody took him up on the offer to smell his finger after the match.

Time for some more Chris Masters highlights. Looks like he really is going to have a match tonight, as Todd Grisham catches The Masterpiece backstage and asks him about his "Master Lock Challenge" opponent, Shawn Michaels. "Would you say HBK is your toughest challenge yet?" asks Todd. "Whoa," Masters replies. "Toughest challenge? Just look at me." (It's bad enough Masters looks like someone stuck Jay Mohr's head on Lex Lugar's body; now he's stealing Rob Conway's lines? That's not the Con-way.) We're then treated to a tight shot of Masters' bouncing boobies. Nice, but you didn't really answer the question, Flexie McPec. And he never does, instead simply promising that tonight, the "show will be stopped for the Showstopper, once and for all."

After the break, we get more Chris Masters highlights. No wait, this is the actual contest. Masters locks the hold in on HBK, who tries to break it, and right then my TIVO quit recording. Ah well, a quick trip to the WWE web site later, and I can tell you that HBK did not unlock the Master Lock. What I can't tell you is why the WWE seems to be so fixated on gay sex lately. While Coach and King kept their respective man-crushes under relative control tonight, between Ric Flair tugging on Carlito's banana, the Heart Throbs' very existence and Murdoch threatening to rape his fallen opponents, the rest of the episode more than made up for it. Anyone have any suggestions?

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Posted in WWE/RAW by copygodd at 9:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: Jennifer T on Sep 8, 2005 07:51 AM.