Tonight's episode started with a recap of the Trial of Eric Bischoff. It's done just like an episode of The People's Court, complete with music and graphics, except there's no Rusty. That's probably because Rusty died back in 2002. However, judging by the Katie Vick storyline RAW presented a few years back, they're certainly not above digging up a corpse if it'll get a few cheap laughs. Fortunately for Rusty (and us), they decided not to cross that line this time. Otherwise Vince would've spent the night pulling various items from the decomposed back-porch of America's favorite bailiff.
Mr. McMahon struts out to the ramp to make an announcement. Will it be our new GM? We don't know, because his mike doesn't work. A sound tech tries to toss Vinnie a new one, but he throws like a girl and it lands at Vince's feet. Vince picks up the microphone and throws it back to the hapless tech, demanding he "hand it to me like a man." Poor sound guy. I hope TNA is hiring.
Working microphone in hand, Vince tells us he's currently looking for a new general manager. It could be anyone: his daughter Stephanie, his son Shane, even me, copygodd. Okay, not really me, but only because I haven't applied yet. Until he makes his decision, though, Vince has appointed an interim manager. In his words, this person is "a business icon, a creative genius and one handsome virile son-of-a-bitch." Hey, it is me! I rock.
Actually, it's Vince. And his first order of interimming is to make five qualifying matches for the Elimination Chamber match at New Year's Revolution. The first of which is up next.
(1) Kurt Angle versus Ric Flair in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match McMahon says he won't censor the crowd's "You Suck" chants like Easy E did, so of course they're extra loud tonight. And there's no real talk of Flair's recent "Road Rage" incident either, other than a Joey Styles throwaway line. Odd. The King does mention that Flair looks better than the last time we saw him, but he's talking about the Last Man Standing match with HHH, not Flair's mug shot which was shown on the TitanTron last week. 
Coach says that at one time, Ric Flair was in Kurt Angle's league, but not anymore. Just like at one time, Coach was in Eric Bischoff's jock. Sadly, that time, too, has passed. The match itself is okay. The most surprising thing is that Angle out-sweats Flair. Does he have the flu or something? The least surprising is that Angle wins.
Winner: Kurt Angle.
Angle's not done, though, and grabs a microphone to talk about next week's special holiday show from Afghanistan. It was a voluntary trip for the WWE Superstars, and Angle says he didn't volunteer to go. Why? Because he doesn't suck. "I won a gold medal with a broken freakin' neck," he says. "I did the ultimate thing that anyone in this world can do." Angle did Heidi Klum? "What have the troops done?" he asks. "Nothing." Kurt says if they catch Osama, he might go sign a few autographs. "Why should I fly 30 hours and risk my life for these troops that represent a country that doesn't respect me?" he wants to know. I'd just like to know where this bit is going. Once Daivari shows up on the TitanTron, I know that wherever it's going, it can't be good.
Once again, Daivari is speaking English. This dude needs to make up his mind. Is he an English-speaking terrorist, or a Farsi-speaking terrorist? 
Daivari's standing next to statues of Larry Bird and Bobby Orr. He hawks up a terror-filled loogie and spits on Larry Bird. Meanwhile, you can see several totally disinterested fans standing in the background. Way to frame a shot, cameraman. If I were GM, I'd fire your film school ass. Next, Daivari says he's going to spray paint Bobby Orr. When he turns around, Cena's standing there. Not so fast, Johnny Jihad. Cena slaps the English out of Daivari's mouth, and Daivari starts screaming in Farsi again.
Cena addresses the camera and tells Angle he's bush-league. "You won't go visit the troops because people out here say you suck?" he asks Kurt. "Newsflash, Kurt: Half the people out here think I suck too." Good to see Cena's acknowledging his shrinking popularity. Hopefully this means he's getting closer to turning heel. Cena ends by calling Kurt a heartless bastard, before spraying-painting the camera lens. We can't see Cena now. Get it?
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Comments (8)
copygodd, this may amuse you. The other day I was going through some old photo albums. I was pleasantly surprised to find my old 8x10 glossy of Classy Freddy Blassy, Captain Lou Albano, and The Grand Wizard of Wrestling. I think I'm gonna hang it in my kitchen. Depending on how old you are, you either think 1)Wow! That is totally fucking rad. or 2)Who the hell are they and why haven't I joined the ever growing Lizardqueen Un-Fanclub yet?
1 of 8 | Posted by Lizardqueen | Posted on December 14, 2005 6:15 PM
Strippers and blow, lot's and lot's of blow.
2 of 8 | Posted by John | Posted on December 15, 2005 5:53 AM
Does Shelton Benjamin loose every match? Why does he even show up.
3 of 8 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on December 15, 2005 5:53 AM
I have never watched RAW but I'm just sad that Rusty died. I loved Rusty!
4 of 8 | Posted by noballs | Posted on December 15, 2005 7:49 AM
lq: even though i just started watching wrestling about five years ago, i still know who freddy and lou are. and i'll gladly join anyone's fan club who takes the time to read and comment on my silly wrestling recaps.
john: you're hired.
antf: shelton used to win all the time. in fact, he was once intercontinental champion. now he's just a jobber.
noballs: it was a sad day for america, indeed.
5 of 8 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 15, 2005 10:01 AM
If I am GM -
Pushes - Shelton Benjamin, Angle, Carlito, Cena(As a pure HEEL), Gregory Helms(with a better gimmick, casue the kid can perform), Murdoch.
Bring over Mr. Kennedy from Smackdown (when healthy) and push him to Main Event Status.
Drop - Davari from his role, Viscera, Ashley Massaro, Candice Michelle
WWE TITLE - SHELTON OR KURT
IC TITLE - CENA OR HHH, HELMS and KENNEDY to IC STATUS,
TAG TEAM - ELIMINATED (as they will be Combined)
WOMENS TITLE - MICKIE JAMES
Feud Carlito and Cena over who's cooler and let the fans decide whos a face or heel (Cena will turn on fans when they turn on him)
EDGE use Money in the bank at Wrestlemania...ON THAT NIGHT, Make Edge use it after the WWE Title match was already finished....and give Edge the strap.
6 of 8 | Posted by EddieD | Posted on December 15, 2005 8:30 PM
dang, eddied, you put more thought in your answer than i do most of my recaps. ;-)
7 of 8 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 16, 2005 11:45 AM
To improve Raw, the first thing you need are better writers. The show used to have promise and potential in the Stone Cold, Rock, Mick Foley days. Now none of the "stars" have any sticking power. Angle is lame, not really a good heel or face, HHH is washed up and a boring character to boot, and what was up with that "introduction" a couple of weeks ago between him and Stephanie? She's his wife for crying out loud! Batista is clearly a Goldberg replacement with some added bling, and with all the second and third generation wrestlers, it just gets silly (ie: Bob Orton coming to the rescue of his pathetic son all the time).
If they'd stop writing EXCLUSIVELY for 14 year old boys, and add some actual character development that doesn't involve prosthetic limbs coming out of octagenarian orifices, there might be "hope" for McMahon that this entertainment will survive another 10 years.
As it stands right now, the writers treat the viewers as if they haven't been watching more than a year. They recycle every ludicrous story line they come up with and quite frankly don't even seem to be making an effort anymore. Do they need actors instead of "actors", no. That's unrealistic even for WWE, but if they just put a little effort into a cohesive storyline to make the show more of a serial than a run of one-off productions, it might make it more interesting and actually bring you back the following week.
Do we all tune in to watch agressive steroid users beat the crap out of each other? Yes. Are the gratuitous boob shots and womens matches appreciated by the modern viewer? Yes. Does that mean that this entertainment always has to be the equivalent of watching the main stage at a strip club? No. There could be more to this than just the acres of flesh.
That said, descending to the lowest common denominator hasn't done Vince too bad over the past years. I just don't think that he's going to be able to make this thing survive at the rate it's going.
8 of 8 | Posted by Wampuscat | Posted on December 23, 2005 12:47 PM