After the break, Lita and Edge, who's now billing himself as "The Rated R Superstar" (not to be confused with Har Mar Superstar, although it would be totally kickass to see him climb in the squared circle sometime) are making fun of Flair for his troubles with the law. Like a lot of things the WWE does these days, I don't get it. I mean, I get what they're talking about. I just don't get why they're doing it like this. If I were GM, at the very least I'd have Sgt. Slaughter teach Ric the rules of the road.
In a cage.
Shawn Michaels is getting dressed when Shelton Benjamin comes up to give him some attitude about what happened in their match last week. HBK had told Benjamin he needed to ramp up his attitude, but when he did, HBK abandoned him. At least that's what Shelton says happened. HBK sees it differently. The bit ends with Shelton telling HBK he hopes they both win their Elimination Chamber qualifying matches. I really like Shelton Benjamin, and think the guy has a ton of upside, but he has the mic skills of Helen Keller. If I were GM, I'd make him the company's first deaf-mute wrestler. And I'd make him wrestle a dwarf hermaphrodite mime.
(2) Shelton Benjamin versus Carlito in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Shelton starts the match off by pulling Carlito into the ring by his hair. And for a while, he stays in control of the match. Carlito eventually gets back in it, and the two put on a really good show. Eventually, however, Shelton's new attitude gets the better of him, when instead of going for an easy pin, he grabs one of CCC's apples. That's stupid. Because while he's busy getting ready to spit some apple on Carlito, Coolio rolls him up for the pin. That's cool.
Winner: Carlito.
Backstage, Vince runs into Trevor the Cable Guy, who makes his pitch for the General Manager's position. "I'm your hucklebuck," he tells Vince, adding he has a lot of "ideals" for matches. Vince chastises Murdoch for chewing tobacco, then tells him he'll think about it. Walking away, he calls Trevor an "idiot." Sometimes Vince is too nice.
Speaking of idiots, Candice Michelle and her magic wand are waiting for Vince in the leather couch room. "I heard there's a position open on RAW," she tells Vince. "What position did you have in mind," the old horndog asks. 
Candice starts disrobing to show Vince her qualifications, which, evidently, are fake titties and the ability to have an orgasm just by unbuttoning her top. Before Vinnie can unbutton anything of his, however, Kurt Angle and Daivari cock-block him and we go to commercial.
(3) Big Show versus Shawn Michaels in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match In order to win this match, Coach tells us HBK needs to be "elusive and abusive." Or just have Triple H come down and interfere on behalf of the Big Show, thus getting him disqualified, which is what happens.
Winner: Shawn Michaels via DQ.
Back in the leather couch room, Kurt is still cock-blocking making his case. "I need to make a statement," he spits at Vince, and demands a match with Cena that night. Kurt, don't you know not to make Vince angry? You won't like it when he's angry. Too late. Channeling his inner 'Pac, Vince tells Kurt to back the f*ck up before he gets smacked the f*ck up. "You can make comments about our troops. You can make comments about Larry Bird. But the one thing you'd better never do again is interrupt me," he spits. Especially when he's sniffing Candice Michelle's magic wand.
Instead of giving Kurt a match, he decides to do something even more innovative: the first ever "You Can't See Me" match, featuring Daivari versus a blindfolded John Cena. I'm scared.
(4) Chris Masters versus Viscera in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Viscera is billed as the World's Largest Love Machine. I don't know about you, but I always thought this guy was the world's largest love machine. The only thing less interesting than the "action" in this match is listening to the Coach and Lawler argue about who sucked Masters' dick first.
Winner: Chris Masters.
If you were watching WWE.com Unlimited instead of the commercials, you'd have seen Trish Stratus and Mickie Stalker deliver an awkward promo in the Women's Locker Room. But since you weren't, I'm not going to cover it.
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Comments (8)
copygodd, this may amuse you. The other day I was going through some old photo albums. I was pleasantly surprised to find my old 8x10 glossy of Classy Freddy Blassy, Captain Lou Albano, and The Grand Wizard of Wrestling. I think I'm gonna hang it in my kitchen. Depending on how old you are, you either think 1)Wow! That is totally fucking rad. or 2)Who the hell are they and why haven't I joined the ever growing Lizardqueen Un-Fanclub yet?
1 of 8 | Posted by Lizardqueen | Posted on December 14, 2005 6:15 PM
Strippers and blow, lot's and lot's of blow.
2 of 8 | Posted by John | Posted on December 15, 2005 5:53 AM
Does Shelton Benjamin loose every match? Why does he even show up.
3 of 8 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on December 15, 2005 5:53 AM
I have never watched RAW but I'm just sad that Rusty died. I loved Rusty!
4 of 8 | Posted by noballs | Posted on December 15, 2005 7:49 AM
lq: even though i just started watching wrestling about five years ago, i still know who freddy and lou are. and i'll gladly join anyone's fan club who takes the time to read and comment on my silly wrestling recaps.
john: you're hired.
antf: shelton used to win all the time. in fact, he was once intercontinental champion. now he's just a jobber.
noballs: it was a sad day for america, indeed.
5 of 8 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 15, 2005 10:01 AM
If I am GM -
Pushes - Shelton Benjamin, Angle, Carlito, Cena(As a pure HEEL), Gregory Helms(with a better gimmick, casue the kid can perform), Murdoch.
Bring over Mr. Kennedy from Smackdown (when healthy) and push him to Main Event Status.
Drop - Davari from his role, Viscera, Ashley Massaro, Candice Michelle
WWE TITLE - SHELTON OR KURT
IC TITLE - CENA OR HHH, HELMS and KENNEDY to IC STATUS,
TAG TEAM - ELIMINATED (as they will be Combined)
WOMENS TITLE - MICKIE JAMES
Feud Carlito and Cena over who's cooler and let the fans decide whos a face or heel (Cena will turn on fans when they turn on him)
EDGE use Money in the bank at Wrestlemania...ON THAT NIGHT, Make Edge use it after the WWE Title match was already finished....and give Edge the strap.
6 of 8 | Posted by EddieD | Posted on December 15, 2005 8:30 PM
dang, eddied, you put more thought in your answer than i do most of my recaps. ;-)
7 of 8 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 16, 2005 11:45 AM
To improve Raw, the first thing you need are better writers. The show used to have promise and potential in the Stone Cold, Rock, Mick Foley days. Now none of the "stars" have any sticking power. Angle is lame, not really a good heel or face, HHH is washed up and a boring character to boot, and what was up with that "introduction" a couple of weeks ago between him and Stephanie? She's his wife for crying out loud! Batista is clearly a Goldberg replacement with some added bling, and with all the second and third generation wrestlers, it just gets silly (ie: Bob Orton coming to the rescue of his pathetic son all the time).
If they'd stop writing EXCLUSIVELY for 14 year old boys, and add some actual character development that doesn't involve prosthetic limbs coming out of octagenarian orifices, there might be "hope" for McMahon that this entertainment will survive another 10 years.
As it stands right now, the writers treat the viewers as if they haven't been watching more than a year. They recycle every ludicrous story line they come up with and quite frankly don't even seem to be making an effort anymore. Do they need actors instead of "actors", no. That's unrealistic even for WWE, but if they just put a little effort into a cohesive storyline to make the show more of a serial than a run of one-off productions, it might make it more interesting and actually bring you back the following week.
Do we all tune in to watch agressive steroid users beat the crap out of each other? Yes. Are the gratuitous boob shots and womens matches appreciated by the modern viewer? Yes. Does that mean that this entertainment always has to be the equivalent of watching the main stage at a strip club? No. There could be more to this than just the acres of flesh.
That said, descending to the lowest common denominator hasn't done Vince too bad over the past years. I just don't think that he's going to be able to make this thing survive at the rate it's going.
8 of 8 | Posted by Wampuscat | Posted on December 23, 2005 12:47 PM