RAW's newest bigot gimmick, Matt Striker, comes out to the stage to teach the crowd a lesson about "Family Values." Standing in front of a desk and blackboard Matt proceeds to insult working mothers, welfare mothers, baby daddies, same-sex marriages and kids who are "smoking the pot". Overall, pretty lame promo. I can't believe this guy gave up a job teaching in Queens for this.
Next, Vince is seen trying on a black hood for Cena to wear in his upcoming match. Tough Enough Season One finalist Chris Nowinski comes in to pitch himself as RAW's first-ever Harvard-educated general manager. Hopefully he'll do better than Ryan Fitzpatrick, the St. Louis Ram's first-ever Harvard-educated quarterback. It's all for naught, however, as Dusty Rhodes interrupts Chris to apply for the job himself. If I were GM, I'd make these two have a match. And I'd set it at NASA so they could fight in zero gravity, which is the only Dusty would be able to get his massive bulk moving. Oh, and I'd relocate NASA to a cage.
(5) Mickie Stalker versus Victoria in a Number One Contender Match Trish comes out to sit with the announce team during Swimfan's match. That's the highlight of this match. Well, that and this.
Winner: Mickie James.
(6) Triple H versus Kane in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match Kane dominates the Cerebral Spitter early in the match. Of course, this doesn’t stop Coach from talking up HHH. "If there's ever a man made for the Elimination Chamber, it's the Game, Triple H," he says. Other things HHH is made for: moustache wax. Eventually, after knocking out the ref and incapacitating Kane, Triple H goes under the ring for his trusty sledgehammer. Before he can use it on Kane, however, Big Show comes down to the ring. While HHH is mouthing at the Show, Kane does his "Michael Myers" recovery sit-up and attacks Hunter. Big Show then helps Kane deliver a double choke-slam to the Game, before waking up the ref to count out the Game. It's a nice payback for the Game getting the Big Show disqualified in his match with HBK earlier in the night. Maybe this will lead to a match between HHH and Show at Revolution. If I were GM it would.
Winner: Kane.
After commercial, it's time for tonight's main event.
(7) John Cena versus Daivari in a "You Can't See Me" Match Cena gets a huge pop, and "The Champ is home" signs are everywhere, which makes sense since Cena is from the Boston area. At least there's still one town that won't boo the champ. Much. 
Between Daivari's jihadist mannerisms and Cena wearing a black hood, this match resembles something you'd see on Aljazeera more than the USA Network. Eventually, the crowd starts helping Cena figure out what part of the ring Daivari is hiding in, and Cena manages to tackle his opponent and lock in the STFU. Daivari immediately taps out, but before Cena can take the hood off, Angle attacks him from behind. Cena manages to get the hood off and chases Angle out of the ring, then gives Daivari an FU for his troubles.
Winner: John Cena.
Overall, tonight's episode was pretty average. At least it had seven actual matches though, which is a huge step up from recent outings. Too bad they weren't all good. We still don't have a replacement for Bischoff. And we have a new tool for a teacher. Most disappointing, however, was the show's lack of Tajiri. Earlier in the day it was announced on the website that tonight would be the Japanese Buzzsaw's last RAW, but not a single mention of his departure was made on the show itself. If I were GM, you know what I'd have done.
Speaking of which, if you were GM, what would you do to improve RAW?
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Comments (8)
copygodd, this may amuse you. The other day I was going through some old photo albums. I was pleasantly surprised to find my old 8x10 glossy of Classy Freddy Blassy, Captain Lou Albano, and The Grand Wizard of Wrestling. I think I'm gonna hang it in my kitchen. Depending on how old you are, you either think 1)Wow! That is totally fucking rad. or 2)Who the hell are they and why haven't I joined the ever growing Lizardqueen Un-Fanclub yet?
1 of 8 | Posted by Lizardqueen | Posted on December 14, 2005 6:15 PM
Strippers and blow, lot's and lot's of blow.
2 of 8 | Posted by John | Posted on December 15, 2005 5:53 AM
Does Shelton Benjamin loose every match? Why does he even show up.
3 of 8 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on December 15, 2005 5:53 AM
I have never watched RAW but I'm just sad that Rusty died. I loved Rusty!
4 of 8 | Posted by noballs | Posted on December 15, 2005 7:49 AM
lq: even though i just started watching wrestling about five years ago, i still know who freddy and lou are. and i'll gladly join anyone's fan club who takes the time to read and comment on my silly wrestling recaps.
john: you're hired.
antf: shelton used to win all the time. in fact, he was once intercontinental champion. now he's just a jobber.
noballs: it was a sad day for america, indeed.
5 of 8 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 15, 2005 10:01 AM
If I am GM -
Pushes - Shelton Benjamin, Angle, Carlito, Cena(As a pure HEEL), Gregory Helms(with a better gimmick, casue the kid can perform), Murdoch.
Bring over Mr. Kennedy from Smackdown (when healthy) and push him to Main Event Status.
Drop - Davari from his role, Viscera, Ashley Massaro, Candice Michelle
WWE TITLE - SHELTON OR KURT
IC TITLE - CENA OR HHH, HELMS and KENNEDY to IC STATUS,
TAG TEAM - ELIMINATED (as they will be Combined)
WOMENS TITLE - MICKIE JAMES
Feud Carlito and Cena over who's cooler and let the fans decide whos a face or heel (Cena will turn on fans when they turn on him)
EDGE use Money in the bank at Wrestlemania...ON THAT NIGHT, Make Edge use it after the WWE Title match was already finished....and give Edge the strap.
6 of 8 | Posted by EddieD | Posted on December 15, 2005 8:30 PM
dang, eddied, you put more thought in your answer than i do most of my recaps. ;-)
7 of 8 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 16, 2005 11:45 AM
To improve Raw, the first thing you need are better writers. The show used to have promise and potential in the Stone Cold, Rock, Mick Foley days. Now none of the "stars" have any sticking power. Angle is lame, not really a good heel or face, HHH is washed up and a boring character to boot, and what was up with that "introduction" a couple of weeks ago between him and Stephanie? She's his wife for crying out loud! Batista is clearly a Goldberg replacement with some added bling, and with all the second and third generation wrestlers, it just gets silly (ie: Bob Orton coming to the rescue of his pathetic son all the time).
If they'd stop writing EXCLUSIVELY for 14 year old boys, and add some actual character development that doesn't involve prosthetic limbs coming out of octagenarian orifices, there might be "hope" for McMahon that this entertainment will survive another 10 years.
As it stands right now, the writers treat the viewers as if they haven't been watching more than a year. They recycle every ludicrous story line they come up with and quite frankly don't even seem to be making an effort anymore. Do they need actors instead of "actors", no. That's unrealistic even for WWE, but if they just put a little effort into a cohesive storyline to make the show more of a serial than a run of one-off productions, it might make it more interesting and actually bring you back the following week.
Do we all tune in to watch agressive steroid users beat the crap out of each other? Yes. Are the gratuitous boob shots and womens matches appreciated by the modern viewer? Yes. Does that mean that this entertainment always has to be the equivalent of watching the main stage at a strip club? No. There could be more to this than just the acres of flesh.
That said, descending to the lowest common denominator hasn't done Vince too bad over the past years. I just don't think that he's going to be able to make this thing survive at the rate it's going.
8 of 8 | Posted by Wampuscat | Posted on December 23, 2005 12:47 PM