When it comes to the WWE, there are three things you can count on: the episode before a big PPV will suck, as they're resting all the superstars for their big PPV matches; the episode after a big PPV will suck, as the superstars are all recovering from their big PPV matches; and finally, any week of Smackdown will suck, as it's just plain horrible. (A custody battle storyline between Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio? Jebus! Just hand little Dominick over to the Mexicools and be done with it.)
Unfortunately for us, tonight's episode took place one week before SummerSlam, the WWE's second-biggest PPV, so the writers were scrambling to finalize storylines, which meant every segment had to have a message of some sort.
Don't believe me? Then how else to explain Shawn Michaels' inexplicable 16-minute message to open the show? If you've ever wondered if it were possible to stop a show before it even starts, tonight you learned the answer is yes, if that show is opened by the Showstopper, Shawn Michaels. During his bizarre set, HBK gave the Montreal crowd (which really seemed to hate HBK) a version of the Canadian national anthem that made Roseanne's version of ours sound like a pre-crack Whitney. He also continually insulted Canada (not a good move when the crowd already hates you), and twice faked out the audience, first by playing Bret "The Hitman" Hart's intro music, then later playing Hulk Hogan's intro music. Oh, and he stripped.
To make matters worse, since I was watching RAW on TiVo, I couldn't even flip from this train wreck to check out the train wreck that is FOX's Renovate My Family. Sixteen minutes?! If I wanted to watch a p*ssy ramble incoherently for that long, I'd just rent The Vagina Monologues.
Finally, we went to commercial. After the break, we were treated to a match between the 7-foot, 500-lb Big Show and two random gay men. Actually, it was the Heartthrobs, who stood as much of a chance against the Big Show as April would trying to keep the last piece of ghettocakeTM from Ivette.
The 3rd Eugene Gold Medal Invitational pitted our Special Olympic Medalist against Montreal's hometown hero, Renee Dupree. (Little-known fact: The "French Phenom," as Dupree is known, was forced to flee the country last year after Congress tried to make him change his name to the "Freedom Phenom.") Exactly 11 seconds into the three-minute match, Kurt Angle bumrushed the ring, tossed Dupree out and smacked Eugene around a bit. Obviously, he was sending Eugene a message.
That Vonage spot was on again. Man, I love that song.
Next was a too-long recap of the Matt-Lita-Edge love triangle. And by too long, I'm referring to the length of Edge and Lita's respective tongues. Isn't Spike TV still basic cable?
Another week, another match featuring some combination of WWE Champion John Cena, Chris Jericho and Carlito. Tonight, Cena was forced to fight both Carlito and Jericho in a Handicap Match. As Cena is a definite crowd favorite, general manager Eric Bischoff devised a foolproof plan to put the Montreal crowd on their side: act Canadian. Carlito, whose middle name just happens to be Caribbean, was obviously a little hesitant at first, but Bischoff reassured Carlito by telling him they'll just tell everyone Carlito is from southern Canada. "That's cool, eh?" was Carlito's awkward response.
With such a diabolical plan in place, surely Cena couldn't escape with a victory yet again, could he? Unfortunately for Bischoff, his plan was as effective as a CTU hard perimeter, as Cena picked up a fairly easy victory, thus sending a message to Jericho and Bischoff that he is not one to be trifled with this Sunday at SummerSlam.
On a side note, is it just me or does Cena seem to be getting less thug and more lug ever since his switch from heel to babyface? At the rate the WWE writers are neutering the self-proclaimed "Doctor of Thuganomics," it won't be much longer before Cena will be whiter than one Mr. Rob Van Winkle. (Speaking of which, if you haven't seen RVW's Hit Me Baby One More Time dance kablosion, do yourself a favor: click here, scroll down about halfway and, depending on the time of day, prepare for a nice coffee spit-take.)
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Comments (13)
I don't watch this show but I had to ask. Copygodd is a recaper!
1 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on August 16, 2005 8:53 AM
is that a good thing?
2 of 13 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on August 16, 2005 9:18 AM
um, why so surprised about the montreal crowd hating on hbk?
HE SCREWED BRETT! oh yeah and it took place in montreal too.
i'm actually glad raw's being recapped these days. beats having to sit through the ep itself!
3 of 13 | Posted by yvonne | Posted on August 16, 2005 9:19 AM
Yeah, I guess so, I just didn't know.
I looked at that Phil Keoghan/ Johny Fairplay thing. Ridicoulasly funny. I'd watch that even though I hate wrestling. That would rock.
4 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on August 16, 2005 9:47 AM
never mind. i reread what you wrote and totally misunderstood it. stupid hangover.
yes, i am a recapper. just doing raw for now, but maybe someday i'll branch out, providing tptb give me the okey-dokey.
thanks for the clarification, yvonne. wasn't watching raw back then, so i wasn't sure what that was all about. guess i could've looked it up, but that would've taken effort on my part.
5 of 13 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on August 16, 2005 10:16 AM
Just as good as usual dude... My predictions are Cena will retain the title, Eugene will loose and Angle will get his medal back, and I hate to say it but Michaels will beat Hogan (but he will cheat to get it done)heheh what else is new...
I will have my usual seat next to the row of big screens at the family entertainment center here in south denver. They show the PPV for free, only have to buy food and beer, and lucky for me it is not a nonsmoking facility.
6 of 13 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on August 16, 2005 11:37 AM
Scintillating. Simply scintillating. Not to mention titillating, with all that talk of tongues and such.
Only you could tie BB6 and TAR in with the WWE to such effect, copygodd. Love it!
7 of 13 | Posted by Maura | Posted on August 16, 2005 12:10 PM
Just look at Me.
Ain't I a sight to seeeee?
8 of 13 | Posted by xs | Posted on August 16, 2005 12:15 PM
Well done.
Your best effort yet, Copygodd. I could almost smell the Skoal and MGD from the computer screen.
9 of 13 | Posted by Mango | Posted on August 16, 2005 12:23 PM
The most disturbing thing about this re-cap was the link to see Vanilla Ice dancing... eww!
And will Canadians ever get over the Montreal screw job Vince and Shawn Michaels pulled on Bret Hart? I mean damn... That was like 1997!
I predict a Shawn Michaels victory due to interference from the returning Triple H and Ric Flair. And I hope Eugene gets crippled for real and never wrestles again. Can't stand him.
10 of 13 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on August 17, 2005 6:13 AM
Eugene sucks.
Aj (always brings the witty commentary)
11 of 13 | Posted by AJ | Posted on August 17, 2005 12:59 PM
sorry bacardi, we will never get over the screwing of bret. you should see what happens in calgary.
carrying a grudge from 1997's nothing. i'm still bitter that i don't get to watch maple leaf wrestling anymore.
12 of 13 | Posted by yvonne | Posted on August 18, 2005 8:33 AM
What's the point of the Diva search when half of the whores are going to get contracts anyway? Vince needs to lose the useless eye candy and shell out the money to get Trinity from NWA/TNA.
13 of 13 | Posted by k@os | Posted on August 19, 2005 4:29 AM