This weeks’ Monday Night RAW took place in Gund Arena in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio. I grew up in c-bus, so seeing The Gund on TV was something of a homecoming for me. Meaning the crowd was filled with fat, pasty-white Midwesterners. (Man, I miss having funnel-cake pancakes for breakfast.)
Tonight’s episode was centered around respect. John Cena didn’t respect Eric Bischoff. Shelton Benjamin didn’t respect Eric Bischoff. The people of Cleveland didn’t respect Chris Jericho, the self-proclaimed “Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rolla”. Nobody respects the mullet. But by night’s end, you wouldn’t be able to swing a dead cat without it getting covered in crunchy kibbles of respect.
Kurt Angle, who actually won a Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympics, opened the show with the Angle Invitational, where he challenges the local “Hometown Hero” to a match. If they can survive three minutes in the ring with him, they win his medals. So far, Angle has yet to be defeated. Would tonight be any different? Does the Rock love pie? Because Angle’s Cleveland opponent was none other than Eugene, general manager Eric Bischoff’s “special” nephew. Eugene is something of a wrestling savant, meaning he knows every move of every wrestler in the history of professional wrestling. And the TV schedule for Judge Judy no matter what city he’s in. Eugene managed to throw Angle out of the ring with just ten seconds left, and Kurt couldn’t make it back into the squared circle in time, meaning Eugene now has Angle’s Olympic Gold Medal, which, no doubt, is already covered in drool.
Viscera was up next in tag-team action. His partner? A midget named Cloacas. Viscera (or “Big Vis” as he’s known today) used to be scary in an evil way. Now, he’s scary in a “sweaty fat man in a velvet sweat suit” way. If you’ve ever wondered what happened to all of Al Sharpton’s old track suits, wonder no more: they’ve been repurposed into one Big Vis love glove.
Tonight was also the much-hyped “Battle of the Bands” between John Cena, the current rapping World Champion (and by that, I mean he’s a world champion who raps, not the world champion rapper), and former world champion Chris “Y2J” Jericho’s metal band, Fozzy.
Cena is just the latest in the long line of successful white rappers to emerge from the WWE. He kind of reminds me of Mark Wahlberg in his Marky-Mark Calvin Klein days, except Cena didn’t get his big break because of his older, boy-band brother. NKOTB 4VR!
Anway, Cena came out, and to quote Randy Jackson, he did his thing, dawg. Jericho’s band Fozzy then refused to play, supposedly because they felt the Cleveland crowd was biased toward Cena’s crew, and thus not giving them the respect they deserved. In reality, however, it was because the band suddenly realized their singer was actually a professional wrestler named Y2J.
After a brief backstage bit ‘o banter between Bischoff and Carlito “Caribbean” Cool (I just love saying that name), the Heartbreak Kid (aka Shawn Michaels) came out, yammering on about his upcoming match with Hulk Hogan. (Yes, that Hulk Hogan.) I wish I knew more about these two old-timers, but my grandfather’s been dead for years, so I couldn’t call him up for the back story. My bad. (Well, actually it’s my grandpa’s bad for dying, but who’s counting.)
Time for little A-R-E-T-H-A, as Shelton Benjamin, who a few weeks back lost his Intercontinental Title to Carlito “Caribbean” Cool (see!) was put in a handicap match against Snitsky and Chris Masters, ostensibly for disrespecting Bischoff. Shelton lost when he couldn’t escape from Masters’ signature move, the Master Lock. (When I was a kid, we called this hold the Full Nelson, which just shows how much more cleverer the WWE writers are than a bunch of 8-year olds.) Just to drive the lesson home a little further, Masters refused to unlock the Master Lock, until the 7 ft, 500 lb giant, Big Show, came down and picked it. (See how I worked all that “lock” humor in there? Try the veal.)
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Comments (32)
As a former employee of the WWE, I always welcome a little wrestling to spice things up.
1 of 32 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:48 AM
I like the wrestling recap
2 of 32 | Posted by Dave | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:14 AM
Fiiiiinally! RAW! Has! Come! BACK! To! TVgasm! (Well, except for the "back" part...)
Please keep recapping RAW. It'll give me an outlet for expressing my unbridled hatred of Eugene. Like this:
My hatred of Eugene lacks a bridle.
3 of 32 | Posted by Mike | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:45 AM
Hell yeah this stuff belongs here... It is the man version of a soap opera... I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DONT WANNA BE COOL!!!
4 of 32 | Posted by S-Dub | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:51 AM
HELL YEAH!
5 of 32 | Posted by scoop newsworthy | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:58 AM
Loved it cause it is true all of it is true and by true I mean wrestleing is true and oh yeah it is real too
6 of 32 | Posted by Joker | Posted on July 28, 2005 8:25 AM
Midgets, funnel cakes, ambulance hijackings.
What's not to like.
Keep the reports coming.
7 of 32 | Posted by Junkyard dog | Posted on July 28, 2005 8:33 AM
Finally...WWE gets really R E S P E C T.
News Break... Fake Wrestling more real than reality T.V.
It's True!
8 of 32 | Posted by CR | Posted on July 28, 2005 8:36 AM
FINALLY a step in the right direction. I'd much rather find out what happened on RAW than nanny 911 factor and the geek or whatever "reality" crap is they're still spewing out. Keep it up.
9 of 32 | Posted by Ed | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:02 AM
love it, keep it.
PS: thanks for the lita/fugly comment - I never understood how that one stayed on...oh yeah, she's slept with everyone.
10 of 32 | Posted by captain_lou | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:07 AM
Hell Yeah. C-Godd rules!
11 of 32 | Posted by Zadooka | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:08 AM
I love the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah almost as much as I love HBK! HBK! HBK!
12 of 32 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:13 AM
Keep them coming... recaps of WWE are a great fit for TVGasm.
13 of 32 | Posted by Nine | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:35 AM
WWE and Cleveland are a match made in heaven.
Much like mullets and Pennsylvania.
Excellent piece.
HELL YEAH
14 of 32 | Posted by Mango | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:37 AM
While i have nothing against wrestling, being a former fan myself... I worry the demographic watching tvgasm will skew to the 14 year old looking for a wrestling news website. I mean, sorry to be the voice of dissent so far, but if you cover RAW, then you have to cover smackdown, and then you have to cover the other subpar shows, and then the next thing you know, you're a wrestling website. bleahhhhh
15 of 32 | Posted by Former wwF fan. | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:00 AM
Yo! You are totally in your literary element. Love the piece. Fantastic!!! Flawless!!!
16 of 32 | Posted by Katie | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:05 AM
It's about as likely that recapping RAW and Smackdown will start TVgasm down a slippery slope toward "wrestling website" status as it is that recapping both Battlestar Galactica and The 4400 will somehow turn this place into a sci-fi geek site (geek being a handle I wear with pride, so don't start about that...). Just keep the recaps centered on the entertainment value of the TV presentation without the "insider gossip" that wrestling fans crave and the WWE shows will fit in just fine here. c-godd's recap might not've cut the mustard with the smart marks at Pro-Wrestling Torch but it was perfect for TVgasm. Loved it.
17 of 32 | Posted by Mike | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:30 AM
Actually, I only came over here because I have your guest writer linked on my blog. I don't even watch wrestling regularly (although my husband does).
Having said that, I think he did a great job, it's an entertaining read and easy to follow and appreciate even if you don't "do" wrestling regularly!
I will ship my husband over to read it, I am sure he will enjoy this kind of content!
Keep it up!
18 of 32 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:36 AM
This is my first time to this site (having been recommended to me by the office spaz) and I was really enjoying the articles ... then I read this one. Having never been a fan of the World Wildlife Foundation, I think after reading this I may have to tune in. Well done, VERY entertaining.
19 of 32 | Posted by Hook | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:01 AM
Okay so although I have no love for wrestling, since I graduated from Lakewood High I feel the need to do a little dance for C-town and the Gund. For any of you not so lucky to be raised in Northeast Ohio you are probably not familiar with the wonder of architecture that my friends and I spent our teens calling the Gonorrhea. Did you know it would take 53 million basketballs to fill up the Gund? Viva le Cleveland!!!
20 of 32 | Posted by smithie | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:36 AM
I do seem to remember that episode where B-Side was a special guest on Pipers Pit. Or was that the Iron Sheik?
"Russia number one! Iran number one! U.S.A!?? SPIT!"
21 of 32 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:40 AM
This was great! My wife hates everything about wrestling, but thought this was hilarious. Keep it coming - HUGE WWE fan here!
22 of 32 | Posted by Paul | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:50 AM
thanks for all the love, everyone. you obviously can smel-l-l-l-l what i am cookin'.
no worries about that slippery slope though, as i already take enough abuse from the wife for tivo-ing raw as it is. so, barring any unforeseen calamity, i won't be covering smackdown or any of the other shows.
it's true. it's damn true.
23 of 32 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on July 28, 2005 12:16 PM
Hell yeah! Finally somewhere I can turn for a recap that is not inundated with ads and popups.
Copygodd 3:16. Keep 'em coming.
24 of 32 | Posted by k@os | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:12 PM
COPYGODD RULES!!!
You Da Man! c-godd, this was great! This is by fare the most entertaining recap of RAW I have seen to date... I wish you would do this every week.
25 of 32 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:43 PM
Wrestling recaps on TVGasm! Now you're talking! (or typing? whatever) Big WWE fan here... Thank You for this. Great Recap. And SmackDown recaps won't be horrible either. I can't wait 'til Trish Stratus comes back and puts a foot in Lita's ass.
26 of 32 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on July 28, 2005 3:06 PM
Dayum, this review is better than the ones I get on those free wrestling websites. No pop ups either ! Way to go.
27 of 32 | Posted by garybibb | Posted on July 28, 2005 4:16 PM
Thanks for the update, big wrestling fan here :) Shame that you have a wife, you sound quite athletic :P
I will be back
28 of 32 | Posted by heroinegirl | Posted on July 28, 2005 4:49 PM
B-side, you worked for WWE?
More information,please. Whatcha do? Inquiring minds want to know.
Yes, on Raw recap.
29 of 32 | Posted by AJ | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:37 PM
an intern for the wwe? now THAT is cool.
dirt, please.
p.s. i forgot to ask about this yesterday. d'oh!
30 of 32 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on July 29, 2005 9:04 AM
This is great!! :)
31 of 32 | Posted by Angie | Posted on July 29, 2005 9:24 AM
Ever since Thunderlips beat up Rocky, I have hated "wrestling," so I am all KMA Vince McMahon about this entire topic.
I would like my shut up juice cold, either in one of those cool aluminum bottles or over ice, with a big bowl of STFUs to much on at the same time. Thanks.
32 of 32 | Posted by zippy | Posted on July 29, 2005 12:39 PM