Also, the RAW Diva Search is still going on. This week, they had a hot dog eating contest. As funny as seeing a bunch of stripper-wannabes yummy down on some hot dogs was, it paled in comparison to hearing Jerry “The King” Lawler carry on about watching a bunch of stripper-wannabes yummy down on some hot dogs.
Next up was the Kane/Edge “Stretcher Match”. A little back-story on these two: Kane, who in the WWE universe is the Undertaker’s brother, used to be married to Lita, who, in the WWE universe, is supposedly hot. Kane once forced Lita to have sex with him so he’d stop beating up her old boyfriend, Matt Hardy. Lita got pregnant by Kane, and ended up marrying the freak. How do we know he’s a freak? Because he wears one of those creepy Marilyn Manson white contact lenses. Oh, and he once set the show’s announcer, JR, on fire during an interview. Since losing their baby after a vicious attack by Snitsky, however, Kane and Lita’s marriage has been on the rocks. Kane’s fairytale finally came crashing down a few months back when Lita betrayed him and helped Edge, who looks way more like the Vampire Lestat than Tom Cruise ever did, win their PPV match. Now, the two are married and mocking Kane every chance they get, thus setting the stage for tonight’s carnage.
In a “Stretcher Match”, the first person to put his opponent on a stretcher and roll it past the finish line wins. In the beginning, Kane held his own, despite being choked out, hit over the head with the steel steps and having a Kendo stick cracked over his noggin, but eventually he lost thanks to some timely cheating from Lita and Edge’s metal briefcase. But wait! Before Edge and Lita could escape, Kane rose from the stretcher, ala Michael Myers in Halloween, threw Edge into the video monitor wall, and pile-drove Lita onto the stage. Lita’s original ex, Matt Hardy, took this opportunity to bumrush the ramp and attack Edge. (Gotta say, Matt’s gut is looking pretty hardy these days.) Kane then hijacked the ambulance, but not before asking Lita if she’d ever been on the Highway to Hell. (Cue evil music.) I hope there’s a Waffle House on this highway.
Finally, after a two-hanky retrospective on Hulkamania, it was time for the Main Event. John Cena versus Carlito “Caribbean” Cool. Personally, I’m not sure which is cooler about Carlito: his Justin Guarini hair or his love of a good Granny Smith spit-take. Regardless, my mom thinks he’s the bee’s knees.
So, what do you think? Does a RAW recap belong on TVgasm? If so, gimme a “Hell Yeah!” If not, then it sounds like you need a big glass of shut-up juice.
« Karma Chameleon | Main | If this is being a Hilton, I want to be a Motel 6 »
Comments (32)
As a former employee of the WWE, I always welcome a little wrestling to spice things up.
1 of 32 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:48 AM
I like the wrestling recap
2 of 32 | Posted by Dave | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:14 AM
Fiiiiinally! RAW! Has! Come! BACK! To! TVgasm! (Well, except for the "back" part...)
Please keep recapping RAW. It'll give me an outlet for expressing my unbridled hatred of Eugene. Like this:
My hatred of Eugene lacks a bridle.
3 of 32 | Posted by Mike | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:45 AM
Hell yeah this stuff belongs here... It is the man version of a soap opera... I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DONT WANNA BE COOL!!!
4 of 32 | Posted by S-Dub | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:51 AM
HELL YEAH!
5 of 32 | Posted by scoop newsworthy | Posted on July 28, 2005 7:58 AM
Loved it cause it is true all of it is true and by true I mean wrestleing is true and oh yeah it is real too
6 of 32 | Posted by Joker | Posted on July 28, 2005 8:25 AM
Midgets, funnel cakes, ambulance hijackings.
What's not to like.
Keep the reports coming.
7 of 32 | Posted by Junkyard dog | Posted on July 28, 2005 8:33 AM
Finally...WWE gets really R E S P E C T.
News Break... Fake Wrestling more real than reality T.V.
It's True!
8 of 32 | Posted by CR | Posted on July 28, 2005 8:36 AM
FINALLY a step in the right direction. I'd much rather find out what happened on RAW than nanny 911 factor and the geek or whatever "reality" crap is they're still spewing out. Keep it up.
9 of 32 | Posted by Ed | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:02 AM
love it, keep it.
PS: thanks for the lita/fugly comment - I never understood how that one stayed on...oh yeah, she's slept with everyone.
10 of 32 | Posted by captain_lou | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:07 AM
Hell Yeah. C-Godd rules!
11 of 32 | Posted by Zadooka | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:08 AM
I love the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah almost as much as I love HBK! HBK! HBK!
12 of 32 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:13 AM
Keep them coming... recaps of WWE are a great fit for TVGasm.
13 of 32 | Posted by Nine | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:35 AM
WWE and Cleveland are a match made in heaven.
Much like mullets and Pennsylvania.
Excellent piece.
HELL YEAH
14 of 32 | Posted by Mango | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:37 AM
While i have nothing against wrestling, being a former fan myself... I worry the demographic watching tvgasm will skew to the 14 year old looking for a wrestling news website. I mean, sorry to be the voice of dissent so far, but if you cover RAW, then you have to cover smackdown, and then you have to cover the other subpar shows, and then the next thing you know, you're a wrestling website. bleahhhhh
15 of 32 | Posted by Former wwF fan. | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:00 AM
Yo! You are totally in your literary element. Love the piece. Fantastic!!! Flawless!!!
16 of 32 | Posted by Katie | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:05 AM
It's about as likely that recapping RAW and Smackdown will start TVgasm down a slippery slope toward "wrestling website" status as it is that recapping both Battlestar Galactica and The 4400 will somehow turn this place into a sci-fi geek site (geek being a handle I wear with pride, so don't start about that...). Just keep the recaps centered on the entertainment value of the TV presentation without the "insider gossip" that wrestling fans crave and the WWE shows will fit in just fine here. c-godd's recap might not've cut the mustard with the smart marks at Pro-Wrestling Torch but it was perfect for TVgasm. Loved it.
17 of 32 | Posted by Mike | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:30 AM
Actually, I only came over here because I have your guest writer linked on my blog. I don't even watch wrestling regularly (although my husband does).
Having said that, I think he did a great job, it's an entertaining read and easy to follow and appreciate even if you don't "do" wrestling regularly!
I will ship my husband over to read it, I am sure he will enjoy this kind of content!
Keep it up!
18 of 32 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on July 28, 2005 10:36 AM
This is my first time to this site (having been recommended to me by the office spaz) and I was really enjoying the articles ... then I read this one. Having never been a fan of the World Wildlife Foundation, I think after reading this I may have to tune in. Well done, VERY entertaining.
19 of 32 | Posted by Hook | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:01 AM
Okay so although I have no love for wrestling, since I graduated from Lakewood High I feel the need to do a little dance for C-town and the Gund. For any of you not so lucky to be raised in Northeast Ohio you are probably not familiar with the wonder of architecture that my friends and I spent our teens calling the Gonorrhea. Did you know it would take 53 million basketballs to fill up the Gund? Viva le Cleveland!!!
20 of 32 | Posted by smithie | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:36 AM
I do seem to remember that episode where B-Side was a special guest on Pipers Pit. Or was that the Iron Sheik?
"Russia number one! Iran number one! U.S.A!?? SPIT!"
21 of 32 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:40 AM
This was great! My wife hates everything about wrestling, but thought this was hilarious. Keep it coming - HUGE WWE fan here!
22 of 32 | Posted by Paul | Posted on July 28, 2005 11:50 AM
thanks for all the love, everyone. you obviously can smel-l-l-l-l what i am cookin'.
no worries about that slippery slope though, as i already take enough abuse from the wife for tivo-ing raw as it is. so, barring any unforeseen calamity, i won't be covering smackdown or any of the other shows.
it's true. it's damn true.
23 of 32 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on July 28, 2005 12:16 PM
Hell yeah! Finally somewhere I can turn for a recap that is not inundated with ads and popups.
Copygodd 3:16. Keep 'em coming.
24 of 32 | Posted by k@os | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:12 PM
COPYGODD RULES!!!
You Da Man! c-godd, this was great! This is by fare the most entertaining recap of RAW I have seen to date... I wish you would do this every week.
25 of 32 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:43 PM
Wrestling recaps on TVGasm! Now you're talking! (or typing? whatever) Big WWE fan here... Thank You for this. Great Recap. And SmackDown recaps won't be horrible either. I can't wait 'til Trish Stratus comes back and puts a foot in Lita's ass.
26 of 32 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on July 28, 2005 3:06 PM
Dayum, this review is better than the ones I get on those free wrestling websites. No pop ups either ! Way to go.
27 of 32 | Posted by garybibb | Posted on July 28, 2005 4:16 PM
Thanks for the update, big wrestling fan here :) Shame that you have a wife, you sound quite athletic :P
I will be back
28 of 32 | Posted by heroinegirl | Posted on July 28, 2005 4:49 PM
B-side, you worked for WWE?
More information,please. Whatcha do? Inquiring minds want to know.
Yes, on Raw recap.
29 of 32 | Posted by AJ | Posted on July 28, 2005 9:37 PM
an intern for the wwe? now THAT is cool.
dirt, please.
p.s. i forgot to ask about this yesterday. d'oh!
30 of 32 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on July 29, 2005 9:04 AM
This is great!! :)
31 of 32 | Posted by Angie | Posted on July 29, 2005 9:24 AM
Ever since Thunderlips beat up Rocky, I have hated "wrestling," so I am all KMA Vince McMahon about this entire topic.
I would like my shut up juice cold, either in one of those cool aluminum bottles or over ice, with a big bowl of STFUs to much on at the same time. Thanks.
32 of 32 | Posted by zippy | Posted on July 29, 2005 12:39 PM