Tonight's show opened with the only things in the WWE more fake than the wrestling: Stephanie McMahon's boobs. Not only have they grown exponentially since she was last a featured player on the show, her voice has gone to hell as well. Did they use her vocal cords for added breast perkiness? Anyway, seems Steph's a little upset that the WWE.com voters said she was their favorite Stunnee. Evidently, everyone is just jealous of her. Women hate her because of her body, and the fact that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. (Guess that explains the voice.) Men are intimidated by her because she has bigger balls than they do. To prove her point, when one of the crew gives her the "Wrap It Up" signal, she slaps the headphones off his head. With her balls.
"My daddy's on his way here, and someone's gonna get fired!" she tells the crowd. Before leaving the arena, she makes the announce team help her up on the announce table, where she precedes to tell everyone, "The bitch is back." She then gives the crowd a look that can best be described as "sorority girl learning there's no more alcohol. Or condoms." The bitch is back, indeed.
1) Rob Conway pins Doink the Clown Doink the Clown is introduced. Grease paint, balloons, green hair, the only thing this Gacy wannabe is missing is the bloody suit. But I'm sure it's balled up in his locker. After a replay of the Conway getting beat up by the WWE Legends last week (including Kevin Von Erich, of the famously doomed Von Erich family), Rob's "Look At Me" music plays, and he poses his way down to the ring. Of course, the Coach can't get himself enough Conway. Other things the Coach can't get enough of: rusty trombones. King blames Doink's prolonged absence on research to perfect elephant manure-proof shoes. (I hope Lawler gets fired. Or at least whoever writes his material.) This match is painful to watch. And not just because I hate clowns. After Conway pins Doink, Eugene bumrushes the ring, only to be beaten down by the Conman. As Conway makes the ref raise his hand, King and Coach make a few tasteless retard jokes at Eugene's expense. Normally, I'd call them out on this, but Eugene did try to save a clown. That's pretty damn retarded.
Everything floats down here.
Coach tells JR the rumors backstage and on the internet are that he, the Coach, is a white woman. Actually, he says the rumors are that JR's going to get fired. "I just want to do my job," JR says. "And find out if Hurley really is Him."
Next up is a recap of the vicious beating Ric Flair took at the hands of HHH last week. Not only is it cut like a death metal video, but it's set to music very reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz. Under normal circumstances, I'd love this. But, coming so close on the heels of that damn clown, I know I'll be sleeping with the lights on tonight.
After the break, it's time for Carlito's Cabana. Sideshow Carl says he'd have helped the McMahons last week, if only he'd known what was going on. Yeah, I'd love to see Carly try to spit an apple in Cold Stone's face. Then he brings up the Iron Match between Kurt Angle and HBK. Almost immediately, he's interrupted by Angle, who's mad at Carlito for calling the match a tie. Just as fast, Angle's interrupted by HBK, who says Angle chickened out of a tie-breaker last week. This means Angle either doesn't want to be Champ, or he's intimidated by Stephanie's balls. Kurt tells HBK he's not afraid of being fired, but Michaels should be. After all, Kurt is the WWE's meal ticket. When he was champ, WCW went out of business. He deserves to be the number one contender. He also deserves to be told the truth about his mouthpiece.
The Big Show makes his way to the ring, telling Kurt that while watching him backstage he had an epiphany: "When you're a giant, you don't have to wait in line. You just cut in front because you can." Unless you're a gentle giant. Or Gentle Ben. Based on that, Show feels he should be number one contender.
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Comments (13)
You just have to admire the business acumen of Vince McMahon. I mean, he's the only executive able to pull the good cop/bad cop routine playing both parts himself. He'll never be able to be sued for sexual harassment because he can pull out all the video of "Mr. McMahon" shoving his tongue down the WWE divas' throats and say, "My accuser is obviously confusing me with the 'character' I play on TV." Same deal with J.R., who apparently is actually getting canned in real life under ugly circumstances. Again, just stage a "firing" on TV and make it look like it's all part of the show. The man's an evil genius.
Or I'm a big-time mark. I rule out neither.
1 of 13 | Posted by Mike | Posted on October 11, 2005 12:09 PM
I thought Cabana segment was great. In situations like that with lots of guys in the ring like that you see them break character. Its funny how the camera always seems to catch it too. Like Big Show laughin and Carlito and HBK cracking smiles.
Linda McMahon's heel turn was pretty funny.
But now some questions...
Why is Shelton Benjamin not getting a push!? Hes stuck in that stupid Kerwin White angle, and it doesn't even get play every week!! And why do we get so few matches now a days with the same 10-12 guys involved?
Why
2 of 13 | Posted by Eddie D | Posted on October 11, 2005 12:59 PM
Vince has to pee!
3 of 13 | Posted by Jess | Posted on October 11, 2005 2:04 PM
i vote evil genius.
the cabana bit was fun. especially when big show started giggling at c-nah.
as for shelton, he's getting a raw deal. (no pun intended.) i don't know why he's stuck in that stupid racist storyline. he needs to get a bigger push. his match a few weeks back with angle was great.
4 of 13 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 11, 2005 4:41 PM
Holy Crap, is JR getting canned for real this time? If so that sucks cuz he is the best announcer of the 3. As for linda going heel she has been before so no surprise here.
I agree with Eddie D I don't get what they are doing with the characters they have on RAW right now... And when the hell is RVD coming back. We need a little excitement back in the show.
I've seen a bunch of old RAW superstars now on TNA. If WWE isn't careful TNA is gonna put them right back in the war Vince bought his way out of a few years back. TNA is pretty interesting and some pretty creative matches.
5 of 13 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on October 11, 2005 8:30 PM
copygodd - I haven't watched pro-wrestling in a long time, but I do remember that Steph had her fake rack since before she left for an extended time.
Is it just me or is there no reason to care about WWE anymore.... if there ever was a reason.
6 of 13 | Posted by realiTV fan | Posted on October 12, 2005 7:03 AM
i remember she had a boob job before she left, because jericho called her out on it on the jerichotron 2000. but i swear they've gotten even bigger since then.
i'm starting to think there isn't a reason to care anymore either. when i started writing these recaps, i was excited cuz it gave me an excuse to watch that the wife couldn't argue with. now i'm starting to think maybe she's right. this week's show only had four matches. and only one of them was worth watching. barely, at that. still, i'm on assigment, so what can i do...
7 of 13 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 12, 2005 8:13 AM
Linda McMahon sacked J.R funny. her leg was stiff or something.
im gonna miss J.R. he was the best announcer man thing.
8 of 13 | Posted by ashleyishot | Posted on October 14, 2005 10:36 AM
i look up to you linda you have expired me you wonderful talented when you kids or husband do something that would up set the fan you come out and i know it mean busines you went way out of line fireing jim ross and now you have came a coniving woman i'm just shock and the machmon family was a wonderful family until vince and that attitude stephanie anger and shane is still cool but Linda you are going to get what's coming to you it might be next week
9 of 13 | Posted by Juante Bowden | Posted on October 20, 2005 10:00 AM
I love to hang out with Jhon Cena for a day that has always been my dream to do that be there right beside hime do thing with and have fun with him that my wish and Linda i'm shock what you did to J.R you was the gratest woman on wwe you and stephanie until yall just got out of control
10 of 13 | Posted by Juante Flowers | Posted on October 20, 2005 10:10 AM
I think Vince should kiss JR's Ass. The McMahon's need to all suck on Stephine's BIG Balls! Mickey James has big ta-tas. Trish, Ashley, and Mickey James make a hot group.So do Candice and Torrie too, NOT Victoria she the uglyest Bitch I've ever seen.
11 of 13 | Posted by Manuel | Posted on October 21, 2005 2:59 PM
vince mcmann is a fat fuckin shit with a tiny pecker
12 of 13 | Posted by bob | Posted on October 25, 2005 8:31 AM
jr is better than the mcmann family and wtf was coach doin "oh dont touch her stone cold"
coach is such a looser
mcmanns r gay little fat fucks with no balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13 of 13 | Posted by timmy | Posted on October 25, 2005 8:35 AM