Tonight's show opens with Eric Bischoff standing in the middle of the ring. He looks a tad upset. Coach says Eric's been that way all day. Why is he being such a Gloomy Gus? Is it because Team RAW lost last night at Survivor Series? Because he lost last night at Survivor Series? Or because he's missing the Indianapolis/Pittsburgh game on Monday Night Football? You make the call.
Bischy says he wants every contracted wrestler to join him in the ring. Right. This. Second. He wants to give them all a piece of his mind. Hopefully, not too big a piece, of course, because his family already has one "special" member in the very special Eugene.
Last night at Survivor Series, the RAW roster let Eric down. And that is unacceptable. "Failures will not be tolerated," he says, as he waits for the wrestlers to make their way down to the ring. When nobody shows, he demands to know if there's some kind of audio problem. Coach, of course, can't understand why the wrestlers aren't lining up in the middle of the ring to fellate the Bisch. "Why would anyone want to make him any madder?" he asks. Because nothing makes Eric madder than not being fellated on basic cable.
It's pretty obvious that none of the wrestlers are coming down to the ring. Easy E's down with that, and says he's heading backstage. And he's going to fire the first person he sees. What do you think the chances of that happening are? If you guessed "No Chance In Hell," give yourself a kewpie doll. Because before Eric can get out of the ring, Mr. McMahon's music hits. Uh-oh, Eric's in trouble now. Vinnie McStrutsalot makes his way down to the ring and asks Eric if he's going to fire him. I'm guessing no.
VKM tells Eric he let him down last night. "You had three goals," Mr. McMahon says. "And none of them were met." In Vin's eyes, that makes Eric a failure. After all, perception is reality. Problem is, if the fans perceive Bisch to be a failure, they'll perceive RAW to be a failure. And if they perceive RAW to be a failure, they'll perceive Mr. McMahon to be a failure. And of course, if there's one thing Vincent K. McMahon most definitely is not, it's a failure. Well, unless you count the XFL, of course.
Vince gives Eric an ultimatum: set a goal tonight, and achieve it. If he doesn't, Vince will start looking for a new general manager. Bischoff starts begging for his job, but once Shane O'Mac's music hits, you know it's going to be a long night for Eric. Shane dances his way down to the ring, almost falls doing the Shane O'Mac Shuffle and then hugs the old man. "I never liked you, Eric," Shane tells Bischoff. "And I'm looking forward to seeing you go. Because I was born for this job." Other things Shane was born for: chin implants.
Mr. McMahon dismisses Eric while he and Shane boogie down in the middle of the ring. Or at least as much as two steroid-using blue-bloods are capable of boogieing down.
After the break, HBK hits the ring. I hit the bottle. And the dreaded "Technical Difficulties" hit RAW. Once those are cleared up, we get footage from an exclusive online interview with Carlito, where he tells Todd Grisham that if he'd been Captain of Team RAW (Carlito, not Todd, which would be like putting Ghandi in charge of the Green Berets), "not only would it have been cooler, but we'd have won."
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Comments (9)
Great review, CG.
STF... WTF??
Weak ending. It would have been much more badass for Cena to get the "submission" by repeatedly bashing Masters with the chair to the point of unconsciousness.
Would've also been a good precursor to his inevitable heel turn.
1 of 9 | Posted by RD | Posted on November 30, 2005 1:56 PM
thanks.
i have no idea what the stf is. it would've made more sense if it were the stfu...
cena's gotta turn heel soon. i'm hoping that's what his 'lil show of aggression was all about last night.
2 of 9 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on November 30, 2005 9:17 PM
The STF is a Stepover Toehold Facelock. It originated in Japan and is fairly new as far as pro-wrestling finishing moves are concerned. Back in WCW, when Erik Watts (son of then-booker/WCW head honcho Cowboy Bill Watts) was using the STF as his finisher during his extremely unpopular "rookie superstar" push, the joke was that it stood for Success Through Father.
3 of 9 | Posted by Mike | Posted on December 1, 2005 5:20 AM
makes sense.
thanks for the info.
4 of 9 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 1, 2005 8:24 AM
Love the captions!
"cool."
5 of 9 | Posted by jess | Posted on December 1, 2005 12:50 PM
Uh, I beg to differ. Columbus is further away than "just down I-71 a bit." (142 miles to be exact.) And in Ohio, that's half the length of the state. It is worlds apart from skanky Cleveland. Get it right next time copygodd. :-)
6 of 9 | Posted by RealityTV4Me | Posted on December 1, 2005 1:58 PM
ah, it's just a quick two-hour drive, even with a stop for breakfast in mansfield.
and skanky? as compared to cbus? please. even though i was born and raised in columbus (graduated from THE ohio state university), i'm still a clevelander at heart. it's home to my beloved browns. all cbus has is the blue jackets. ugh.
but they're still heads and tails above that cesspool to the south: cincinnati. that place is so trashy we don't even consider it be part of the state. hell, even their airport is in kentucky!
7 of 9 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 1, 2005 2:15 PM
hell, even their airport is in kentucky
I never did understand why that was the case.
8 of 9 | Posted by J Unit
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Posted on December 1, 2005 4:05 PM
for the same reason they arrested their museum curator.
9 of 9 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on December 6, 2005 8:25 PM