(2) Big Show defeats Edge via pinfall in Qualifying Match The first of tonight's qualifying matches was pretty sloppy. As was the announcing. When Edge hit Big Show with the Spear, JC yelled "Gore! Gore! Gore!" Lawler corrected him, prompting Coach to yell, "So spank me! Spank me! Spank me!" At another point, Coach had this to say about Big Show: "Big Show is so big." Yes, he really said that. And he didn't even follow it up with anything clever like "when he sits around the house, he sits around the house." Lawler immediately took him to task, "You're taking JR's place, and all you can say is 'Big Show is big'? Is that your contribution to RAW? Is that your analytical analysis?" Even Paul Heyman contributed more than this. Eventually, Edge tried to sneak his briefcase into the ring, but was distracted when JBL's music played. Big Show took advantage of the opportunity and pinned Edge.
Afterward, Edge and Lita were complaining to Bischoff about JBL's supposed "interference". Edge told Bischoff he'll be on SmackDown! Friday night to take care of JBL himself. And maybe pork a few divas while he's at it.
Time for Carlito's Cabana. Tonight's guest? None other than Mrs. Foley's baby boy, the Hardcore Legend Mick Foley! (*swoon*) Foley tells Carlito it's cool to be on the Cabana. Not because Carlito's cool, however, but because it's rare Mick is ever in the ring with someone who has worse hair than he does. (That's only because Dave Barry isn't in the WWE.) "What happened to JR was a travesty," Mick tells Sideshow. And he couldn't believe Linda was the one who did it. At that, Linda interrupts Mick with a taped "live" announcement. (Linda's delivery was less believable than that really bad ventroliquist who kept popping up during The Aristocrats. The one who wasn't Bob Saget.) Linda says JR had the firing coming for attacking her family. You don't mess with Linda's family. Other things you don't mess with: Linda's hair, which looks to have more product in it than Jimmy Johnson's. Turns out JR is having colon surgery this week, and she wants to let him know the entire McMahon family is sacrificing a goat praying for him. Also, she's heard rumors that JR might be planning on suing the WWE, saying Linda's nutshot exacerbated his colon problem. Of course, the WWE's lawyers will have none of that. I hope they're really good lawyers, Linda, because you did kick your employee in the balls. On basic cable. Whatever.
Evidently, Sacramento can be really humid this time of year.
Carlito puts his arm around Mick, telling him he needs to accept that JR's not coming back. "Now he's just an unemployed, out-of-shape loser...just like you!" That's why Carlito brought Mick to the Cabana tonight, because he's "the least coolest person Carlito's ever seen." At that, Foley tells Carlito about an ironic twist: He knows he's not cool--he doesn't even want to be cool--yet wherever he goes, fans tell him he's cool. "Yet whenever the fans meet you," he tells Carlito, "they just say you're a horse's ass." Whinny indeed. When Carlito prepares to spit an apple in Foley's face, Mick tells him he'd better worry about his upcoming qualifying match with HBK. "As a good friend of mine used to say," he tells Carlito, "HBK will beat you like a government mule. And that would be cool. Have a nice day!" Yes!
Another look at the Stone Cold-cam reveals Sacramento to be a pretty boring place.
(3) HBK defeats Carlito via pinfall in Qualifying Match Carlito tries to get an early start, jumping HBK on his way to the ring. And that's the highlight of the match. Unbelievably, this match is even worse than the Big Show/Edge snoozefest, as HBK appears to be have consumed a bottle of syzzurp before the match. (Is Mike Jones HBK's manager now?) JC, meanwhile, continues to trot out every JR cliche he can think of, defending himself by telling King "you gotta wean people off JR. You can't just quit cold turkey." Fortunately, Coach's insistence on using JR's catchphrases leaves less time for his penile fixation. Still, I bet Coach isn't quitting that cold turkey anytime soon either.
This is a really boring match, made even more boringer when HBK locks in the Sleeper hold. It's the only offense HBK has up to this point, as he's spent more time on his back than a cheerleader on prom night. In an effort to remind us how street he can be, JC throws out a little rhyme: "If HBK's heart is beating, he's still competing." Looks like Young MCena's not RAW's lamest emcee after all. Finally, HBK delivers a little Sweet Chin Music to pick up the victory.
« Newsgasm: These Breasts Are Made for Gawkin' Edition | Main | You Better Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself »
Comments (4)
i All that was missing was Matt Pinfield pimping tonight's guest stars on Farmclub.com.
Genius
1 of 4 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on October 18, 2005 1:13 PM
Kane winning was too easily predicted. Kane vs Masters would be a good feud. How bout Carlito botching the chokeslam?!?!
Ric Flair is horrid and should be taken off TV! What was up with his speech? He was just making stuff up.
and the balls fall out line by Austin was perfect...best laugh of the night easily.
2 of 4 | Posted by Eddie D | Posted on October 18, 2005 2:42 PM
Another good recap... I love it and the balls falling out comment by Austin was pretty good. The problem I see is that Smackdown actually is becoming the better show. I have been watching the past few weeks and smackdown is kicking RAW's ass easily. More and better matches than RAW. I wish they would get rid of Bisch because he is useless anyway... You know he doesn't have any, none, zero control over any of the matches anymore. He does nothing but stand around and get paid. I think that he is part of the problem... He is just way too boring... You should do a smackdown recap just once to see how they compare...
3 of 4 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on October 20, 2005 12:22 PM
Haha, good ol' JC.
4 of 4 | Posted by WHAT! | Posted on October 26, 2005 11:19 PM