Testimonials

(2) Eugene defeats Rob Conway via DQ Eugene loves him some WWE Legends. Which is why he's so upset with The Conman, who's been working his way through members of the Seniors Legends Division faster than a sack of White Castle's through my drunken bowels. Unfortunately for Eugene, JR is still gone, so there was nobody to mention his freakish strength. No mention of freakish strength means no win for the Special One. Conway gets himself disqualified for hitting Eugene with a steel chair. Before he can punish Eugene any more, however, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jimmy Snuka and Kamala come to his rescue, each delivering their signature moves.

"I'm lovin' it."

Backstage, Todd Grisham is attempting to interview Gregory "Don't Call Me Hurricane" Helms. Unfortunately, Grisham is dressed as Sophia from The Golden Girls dressed as Harry Carey, so Helms won't talk with him. Todd's unfortunate costume choice didn't stop Mrs. Foley's baby boy from talking though. Foley said he'd been in the TV truck putting together a surprise for Carlito, then complimented Grisham on his Church Lady outfit.

Speaking of Carlito, he's down in the ring, sans Cabana, with a message for Foley. The Cool One doesn't care which face of Foley he'll be facing tomorrow night at Taboo Tuesday, because his is the only face that matters. Suddenly, Dude Love is on the TitanTron! He guarantees Carlito no mercy. Wait, it's Cactus Jack. He can't guarantee Carlito anything. Except pain. Bang bang! Finally, it's Mankind, my personal favorite, who delivered the following bit of verse: "Oh Carlito, oh Carlito. What you did last week wasn't cool or neato. So I guess I'm going to have to make you bleedo, like Rocky and Apollo Creedo. On Mankind's two fists you will beato, as if they were two giant Cheetos. Or if you're in the mood for cotton tacos, say hello to Mr. Socko! And when the match is all completo, you'll leave skidmarks in your Speedo. Have a nice day!" And my wife wonders why I love Foley so...

Carlito looks a bit worried, but Coach tells him he'll be fine. Speaking of Coach, it's time he called out Stone Cold. And that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold Coachman said so. Man, I hate this Coach more than I hated my high school football coach. And he once broke a clipboard over a player's head.

After the commercials, Coach is in the ring, waiting for Austin to come out. When Austin won't show, JC says it's because he probably smells a rat. More than likely, it's tonight's show he smells, but whatever. But guess what? There is a rat. And his name is Goldust. Surely Austin would come out for another chance to stick Goldtub in a Port-a-Pottie. But no, all we get is Vince, who tells us Stone Cold was involved in an accident over the weekend and won't be here tonight or tomorrow night at Taboo Tuesday. This means Coach wins tomorrow's night match by default. Vince can't vouch for the validity of Austin's excuse, but said he'd promised the fans Coach would be wrestling at Taboo Tuesday, so he was still going to have a match. And since Coach was RAW's number one announcer, it was only fitting he fight SmackDown's number one announcer, Funaki! (What, no Michael Cole? I'd pay to see that match.)

Funaki hits the ring. Goldust hits Funaki. Funaki hits the mat. Next.

Steph must have loaned Coach her balls again, because he gets all stupid-brave and says he can beat a bigger SmackDown superstar than Funaki. "You tell the SmackDown roster if any of them wants to face the Coach, I'll be happy to beat them up too." Rather than just pull a random name out of JR's ass, Vince says the first SmackDown superstar to come out would be Coach's opponent. While Coach was no doubt hoping for someone like Nunzio, instead he gets Batista. At this, King says "Coach may have let his alligator mouth overload his hummingbird rear-end." I'm not sure what it means, but it's more interesting than anything going on in the ring.

« Newsgasm: Long-Awaited Gérard Depardieu Update Edition | Main | It Was All In The Editing »

Posted in WWE/RAW by copygodd at 1:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Last Comment: Sandy Scott on Nov 5, 2005 06:56 AM.