Ah, the sacrifices I make for my 5-9 regular TVgasm readers. (You know who you are.) Two-plus hours spent watching and taking notes from my Tivoed RAW. Seven Rolling Rocks. One-plus vicodin. Three-plus snark-filled hours of hunt-and-peck. All to bring you this crap:
Tonight kicked off with the second stop of the Eugene Invitational tour. As RAW was broadcasting from Pittsburgh, PA, the audience wondered who Eugene's "Hometown Hero" opponent could possibly be? H.J. Heinz? Andy Warhol? Jimmy Stewart? Unfortunately, they're all dead, so we had to settle for Kurt Angle. (We can only imagine how cool it would have been to see Andy Warhol's reanimated corpse shuffle into the squared circle...)
In both reputation and size, Eugene is probably the biggest 'tard to perform in Pittsburgh since Terry Bradshaw hung up his cleats. (And before anyone gets on me about using the word " 'tard" to describe Eugene, remember, I'm just talking about his character. I'm sure the man behind the genius that is Eugene has a very normal IQ. Terry Bradshaw, on the other hand, is still riding the short limo.)
The 'tard won the match (and got to keep Kurt's medal) when Kurt was disqualified for hitting the referee a third time. But wait! One of those times was actually a patented Judo-CHOP!TM by Eugene, who made a quick "He who smelt it dealt it" face and blamed it on Angle. At one point, Eugene also rode Angle around the ring like Ron Jeremy on a yohimbo bender, which appeared to upset Angle just a bit, as he's not used to bottom status. Later, as payback, Angle secured a "No Time Limit" Summer Slam match with Eugene, wherein he promised to end Eugene's career faster than that of Yahoo Serious.
Kurt Angle is Michael Chiklis.
Our next match featured Shelton Benjamin versus Chris Masters. Again. I don't know why RAW keeps trying to build heat between these two, as Survivor: Palau's Bobby Jon was better at making fire than Benjamin and Masters. Rather than bore you with the predictable outcome (Masters won by using the Master Lock), I present the following evidence of Jerry Lawler and the Coach's continuing man-crush on the Masterpiece. Coach: I just love greatness. King: And masterpieces. Coach: That too. King: He's (Masters) a walking, living, breathing art museum. JR: You guys want a cigarette now or what?
Rob Conway was interviewed getting ready for his match with Viscera, the 500-lb Love Machine. The ditzy blondish interviewer was impressed with Conway's claim of being 98% fat-free. "Don't worry," he assured her. "I'm still filling." Yeah, filling the void left by the Village People. Big Vis came out and told Conway he was looking good, with his "leather boots, see-through panties and Mu-Fanchu moustache." (God, I hope he meant to say that.) Vis added Conway would look even better face down after receiving a big dose of VisagraTM. YUCK!!
(After a quick shower, we resume...) During a backstage interview with Edge on Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy, we learned that Edge actually asked Vince to rehire Matt, so Edge could "legally assault" him. Edge also laughed at the lack of passion shown by Matt during his return last week. In Edge's opinion, it was that very same lack of passion which led Lita to leave Matt for Edge, and now Matt owes his "Main Event" status to the fact that his ex-girlfriend is schtooping a proven "Main Eventer". (I'd have to agree with Edge on this one, as Matt continually shows less passion than BB's James and Sarah, who are still thought to be brother and sister by all the housemates.) Edge then proved his manliness by tongue-kissing a neck-braced Lita. At least in a brace she won't spill his beer.
Conway took on Big Vis next. As Conway's new intro music sounds suspiciously like Randy Newman, it makes me wonder just how financially stable Disney really is these days. (An I Love Con-way knockoff is surely just a few weeks away.) Big Vis seems to have traded in his outfit made of Al Sharpton's discarded track suits for an outfit made of Hugh Hefner's discarded pajamas. Conway quickly eliminated the vertical base of the WWE's "Barry White" to win the match.
Just when you thought the evening couldn't get any more boringer, we're treated to a six-person mixed tag match with The Hurricane, Rosie and Super Stacie versus The Heart Throbs and Victoria. The only thing interesting about this match is that Rosie is a Super Hero In Training.
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Comments (11)
Great review. Would wrestling be considered the 'anti reality tv' genre?
1 of 11 | Posted by neighbor_steve | Posted on August 9, 2005 9:41 AM
Oh. My. God. This wrestling thing is just a soap opera set in a ring instead of a hospital. I guess now I "see" the appeal it continues to hold for people.
Nice recap, cgodd. But the subject matter? *shudders*
2 of 11 | Posted by Maura | Posted on August 9, 2005 10:25 AM
you nailed it, mo.
it's a soap opera.
for guys.
with violence.
3 of 11 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on August 9, 2005 10:44 AM
I like it when they put dinette sets, etc in the wrestling rings. You just know someone's gonna get a fancy chair smashed over their head when they aren't looking.
Or they put a living room set in the ring(since where else are you going to put it?), and then, no, wait, someone gets hit with a barcalounger.
4 of 11 | Posted by British | Posted on August 9, 2005 11:28 AM
I used to hate Eugene, but he has really grown on me. Everytime he makes a fool of another idiot like Kurt, I have to laugh. I think there will be a twist in the plot someday and we will find out he was faking the whole "short bus person" thing all along. That would be great! And yes, its a soap for guys, but I love knowing that the bad guys always get their buts kicked eventually, and without buckets of crying.
5 of 11 | Posted by Jennifer | Posted on August 9, 2005 1:06 PM
Does anyone notice in the above picture of Matt Hardy that the 2 security guards that are "holding him back" are trying real hard to hold back their laughter. Come on... stay in character guys.
6 of 11 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on August 9, 2005 1:41 PM
I've actually started watching this again. I blame the UFC for using it as a lead in.
7 of 11 | Posted by 3blue | Posted on August 9, 2005 2:03 PM
Yes, you are pretty wry for a white guy.
The song is called "Woo Hoo" and the band is the Rocketeens.
Somebody shoot me.
8 of 11 | Posted by k@os | Posted on August 9, 2005 2:26 PM
I don't watch this show 'cause I hate wrestling, but I had to come to post the following: Why do you recap this show but did not recap The Contender. That show was awesome.
9 of 11 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on August 9, 2005 4:10 PM
Awsome again, as usual... Great job again... I never have been able to figure out how WWE makes some of their matches and rivalries. What is all that crap with Benjamin and Masters? I thought Masters and Big Show were feuding not Masters and Benjamin. These guys always screw up the story lines. They also always seem to drag out the really bad ones too.
10 of 11 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on August 10, 2005 7:58 AM
So this is where you've been plying your trade, or playing with your ....
Glad to see that you have picked a real sport to comment on, not that weinie shit like the NFL, or some such.
Not sure Mo gets the whole male-bonding thingy.
11 of 11 | Posted by trucker bob | Posted on August 10, 2005 11:15 AM