Tonight’s RAW kicked off in a big way with the Big Show taking on Edge. Big Show was having his way with the smaller Edge until Snitsky, Show's opponent at this Sunday's Unforgiven PPV, interfered. Not one to be outdone by a toe-sniffing perv like Snitsky, Matt Hardy rushed the ring and attacked Edge. Not one to be outdone by a no-talent ass-clown like Matt Hardy, Eric Bischoff then stopped the match and made a tag match between Edge and Snitsky versus Big Show and Matt Hardy. The match is okay, but the commentary is definitely top-notch. Case in point: JR asks "Where else can you find the athleticism, the drama and the impact you find here every Monday night?" King adds, "Don't forget the action, adventure and a little humor thrown in every now and then." Coach then butts in with, "And the homoeroticism. Don't forget the homoeroticism." "Oh yeah," the other announcers agree. "We can't forget the homoeroticism." Later, when Big Show drops Edge on the family jewels, Coach points out the distraught look on Lita's face, explaining "she knows what's coming -- or not coming -- in a little while." (Finally, some non-gay commentary from the Coach. Although it was still centered around the output of Edge's thingy.) Eventually, Edge takes out the Big Show with his metal briefcase, and Matt Hardy loses. Again. To add insult to injury, Lita kicks him in the nuts before delivering Matt's own finishing move, the Twist of Fate. Then she pees on him.
Up next we're treated to a match featuring the WWE's newest racist, Kerwin White. In case you don't know K-White's back-story, he used to be Chavo Guererro, but got tired of being mistaken for a certain spicy Latina waitress from Miami. So he dyed his hair blonde, legally changed his name to Kerwin White and is now mistaken for a certain blonde VIP cocktail waitress from Miami. Actually, he now claims to represent all of middle-class America, because as we all know, middle class America hates blacks. Tonight, K-White is fighting Shelton Benjamin, one of the few African Americans currently employed by the WWE. This whole racist bit is really, really lame, and during the match I actually found myself missing Coach's blatant gay-libbing. The match ends when K-White is disqualified for breaking a nine-iron over Benjamin's back.
Next up is a pre-taped Kurt Angle promo for Sunday's title match with John Cena. Angle refers to himself as "the most intense, vicious son-of-a-bitch in the WWE." He's so intense that he never blinks during the entire 60-second spot. Which means either Kurt really is as intense as he says, or he just really, really needs to get laid. Of course, Kurt isn't just vicious and intense. He also spits. A lot. In fact, I'd say Kurt Angle spits more than my high school prom date, if only I'd gone to the prom.
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Comments (5)
No, I only pay for the 2 biggest, Summer Slam and Wrestlemania. But I like Cena, don't tell anyone, but I even bought his CD, and listen to it. (This from the girl who is afraid of hip-hop). Now that my shameful secret is out, I am going home to watch Raw on Tivo and laugh at the anouncers.
1 of 5 | Posted by Jennifer T | Posted on September 13, 2005 1:20 PM
Another great summary of RAW - maybe the quality will improve after they switch back to USA. Glad you got another show to recap. I'm sure you will handle it with your usual dignity and class.
2 of 5 | Posted by neighbor_steve | Posted on September 13, 2005 1:38 PM
dude, you have no idea the horrible memories you've jogged.
I totally wanted, NEEDED, Levis 501's when they came out back in the day.
Needless to say, I was rocking the Toughskins that year. I don't know who this Cena character is, but goddamnit, you've successfully made me hate him.
3 of 5 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on September 13, 2005 1:48 PM
Questions, questions, questions...Why are they pushing Masters so hard? Is it me or is his leg too short for his upper body? Short, stubby legs...what's up with that?
Cena is OK.
4 of 5 | Posted by Joeyjoejoe | Posted on September 13, 2005 3:39 PM
I missed Raw on Monday so thanks cgodd for the recap. I will be at Red and Jerry's for the pay per view here in Denver. Remember it is all free to watch if you are here in the local area. Thanks again and I have said it many times before, but it is still true... This is still the best recap on the internet.
5 of 5 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on September 14, 2005 1:01 PM