After a video recap of last week's chick fiasco, Jerry "The King" Lawler delivers what has to be the most awkward product placement in RAW history. The RAW divas come out, and we cut to a shot of Lawler saying "if it's diva time, it's time for 'BOD-Man Body Spray,'" which he sprays all over himself." Just spray some on in the morning, and it lasts all night long, if you know what I mean," he explains. "Hopefully, 'BOD-Man Body Spray' does last all night long," adds the Coach, "as we know you don't." Both announcers then pick on JR, wondering if even "BOD-Man Body Spray" would work for someone as fat as the Boomer Sooner. (All of which begs the question: if JR really is that fat, perhaps he should take some time off from RAW to enter NBC's new season of The Biggest Loser? That way, I could continue to write about him, as I will also be recapping this show later this week. Yay me!) This whole bit serves to reintroduce the women's champ, Trish Stratus, this time as a babyface. A babyface who evidently lost a bet and now has to wear her hair Farrah-style.
Ric Flair is battling Chris Masters in one-on-one action. A few weeks back, Masters made a beaten and bloody Flair succumb to the MasterLock. Tonight, however, Flair is in top form, meaning he's sweating more than Frank on an episode of Trading Spaces: Dante's Pit. Based on Flair's performance last week, when he grabbed Carlito by the 'nads, not only is Chris Masters understandably nervous about his "Little Masterpiece," but so are Coach and Lawler. Masters is a young up-and-comer, and while I don't really like his character, it speaks highly of his potential that he can wrestle this well with both announcers so firmly planted on his dick. The match is okay, but again the highlights are the color commentary. King: "Chris Masters is growing right before our very eyes." Coach: "Yeah, so's my pants." Flair eventually uses a unique combination of dirty moves and cheating to lock the figure-four on Masters, but Carlito (Flair's opponent at Unforgiven) rushes in to save Masters. HBK then rushes in and saves Flair, but is quickly taken out by Masters, who once again makes HBK submit to the MasterLock. To paraphrase Carlito, "that's not cool."
It's been almost 90 minutes, and there hasn't been a single gay-rape reference yet. Thank god the next match pits Cade and Murdoch against Eugene and Tajiri. This match is nothing but bad stereotypes: Eugene is retarded. Tajiri (the Japanese Buzzsaw) is sneaky and spits green mist in the face of his opponents. Cade has feathered hair. And Murdoch, of course, is the Deliverance-rapist. To make matters worse, this guy's physique is so bad he should be a contestant on NBC's new season of The Biggest Loser, which, by the way, I happen to be recapping for TVgasm starting this week. Yay me!
Evidently, tonight's show was running a little too fast, because after Cade and Murdoch's victory, Lita and Edge walk out to give an impromptu promo for this Sunday's Steel Cage Match between Edge and Matt Hardy. Edge says he's talking to Matt from the "Devil's Pulpit" (WTF?) and then taunts Matt, saying he'll never have a chance to experience Lita's tongue again. Sticking with the "Devil's Pulpit" theme, Edge then rips Lita's tongue out of her mouth and quickly eats it, telling Matt "you'll never get to eat Lita's tongue and have it block up your intestines again either." (So that's what happened to Bo Bice.)
As I mentioned earlier, general manager Eric Bischoff is still obsessed with taking the title from John Cena. When Jericho couldn't get it done, Bischoff fired him. Tonight, he's put Cena in a Handicap Match against Kurt Angle and Tyson "The Close-Talker" Tomko. Before the match, however, Cena approaches Bischoff backstage and seemingly gives up, telling Eric that he "just doesn't have it in him any more," before offering the belt to Bischoff. Just as Eric's about to take the belt, Cena yanks it back and calls Bischoff stupid. Man, that Cena is quick with a witty barb. Times like this drive home just how low-rent a version of The Rock Cena actually is. It's like when you were in middle school, and all the cool kids were wearing Levis, and your Mom bought you Husky Toughskins...the Toughskins are Cena. Maybe we should start calling him The Pebble.
« Bonfire of the Vanities | Main | Newsgasm: If You're Happy, I'm Happy, Dave. »
Comments (5)
No, I only pay for the 2 biggest, Summer Slam and Wrestlemania. But I like Cena, don't tell anyone, but I even bought his CD, and listen to it. (This from the girl who is afraid of hip-hop). Now that my shameful secret is out, I am going home to watch Raw on Tivo and laugh at the anouncers.
1 of 5 | Posted by Jennifer T | Posted on September 13, 2005 1:20 PM
Another great summary of RAW - maybe the quality will improve after they switch back to USA. Glad you got another show to recap. I'm sure you will handle it with your usual dignity and class.
2 of 5 | Posted by neighbor_steve | Posted on September 13, 2005 1:38 PM
dude, you have no idea the horrible memories you've jogged.
I totally wanted, NEEDED, Levis 501's when they came out back in the day.
Needless to say, I was rocking the Toughskins that year. I don't know who this Cena character is, but goddamnit, you've successfully made me hate him.
3 of 5 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on September 13, 2005 1:48 PM
Questions, questions, questions...Why are they pushing Masters so hard? Is it me or is his leg too short for his upper body? Short, stubby legs...what's up with that?
Cena is OK.
4 of 5 | Posted by Joeyjoejoe | Posted on September 13, 2005 3:39 PM
I missed Raw on Monday so thanks cgodd for the recap. I will be at Red and Jerry's for the pay per view here in Denver. Remember it is all free to watch if you are here in the local area. Thanks again and I have said it many times before, but it is still true... This is still the best recap on the internet.
5 of 5 | Posted by norsegod | Posted on September 14, 2005 1:01 PM