Testimonials

After watching the Street Fight between Edge and Matt Hardy v6.9, I take back all the jokes I've made about them over the past few weeks. This was a fun match. For the uninitiated, in a Street Fight, there are no rules. Just right. (Tonight's Street Fight brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.) This means you can use anything you want to attack your opponent. Tonight's items included: a trash can lid, trash can, kendo stick/Singapore cane, steel chair, steel ladder, steel steps, steel magnolias and, eventually, the electronics table and about 400 kajillion megagigawatts of electricity. JR calls the match "legalized mayhem" adding, "these two men, if they're not in Hell, they're at the city limits." The Coach points out that technically, Hell is more of a kingdom than a city, and that JR should have said "they're at the kingdom limits" but then realizes how gay that sounds and shuts up.

The match ends when Matt grabs Edge and throws him off the entrance ramp and through a table holding a lot of the show's electronic equipment. Neither of the wrestlers are moving. A bunch of stagehands rush out, this time with the real EMTs, and the show comes to a sudden halt as the two men are put on stretchers and wheeled out of the arena. At one point, we get a look at Edge's face, who seems to be genuinely afraid, and keeps asking about his neck. (He spent a year on the DL a few years back with a broken neck, so this is understandable.) My mood of believability is shattered, however, when one of the extras tells Edge "wiggle your toes. If you can wiggle your toes, your neck's fine. Bitch." Thanks for your expert medical opinion, Nurse Ratchet.

The champion, John Cena, is on next. "You can't see me" is one of Cena's catchphrases. Tonight, I only wish that were true as he trots out a totally lame Geico joke and a prolonged "Difference between men and women" routine. (Women pee sitting down! Men pee standing up! Except Kurt Angle, who squats to pee and carries a purse! Like a woman!) After my totally fabricated segue, Cena calls out Kurt Angle, the number one contender for the title. Angle is sporting a new "American by Birth, Angry by Choice" shirt soon available at all Oklahoma Neiman Marcus locations. The crowd starts calling Angle an asshole, which, for some reason, SpikeTV doesn't bleep out until the third chant. Angle won't take Cena's challenge though, so Cena ups the ante, reminding Kurt of how he'd attacked Cena when he wasn't looking last week. "I know you like hitting guys from behind," Cena says, before turning around and shaking his ass at Kurt. "I'm just gonna put that vibe out there." At this Angle finally bumrushes the ring (get it? bum?), but is pulled back by security before he can do any damage.

Tyson "The Problem Solver" Tomko is in a match against Rosie, who holds the tag team title with his superhero partner, The Hurricane. If Tyson really wants to live up to his name, perhaps he should try solving the problem of his underdeveloped lower body. This guy looks like what you'd get if you stuck Lou Ferrigno's torso on Karen Carpenter's present-day legs. Stephen Hawkins' legs have better definition. Tomko wins when he knocks out Rosie.

Finally, it's time for tonight's main event: HBK versus Carlito and Chris Masters. Of course, a Chris Masters match can only mean one thing: another chance for Coach to proclaim his undying love for The Masterpiece. This time, Masters' pyrotechnics go off without a hitch as he makes his way toward the ring. And I must say if the fireworks were half as impressive as Coach's orgasm, then Chris Masters is a lucky man indeed.

No explanation was given as to why HBK wasn't allowed to choose a new partner for this match, after Flair was sent to the hospital, although I'm guessing it's because that might have ruined the "big surprise" when Flair came back during the match to save HBK's bacon. (Flair's return was about as surprising as a Chenbot malfunction: you know it's coming, the only question is when.) Too bad the self-proclaimed "Dirtiest Player in the Game" didn't use a cheap nut shot on Masters when he had the chance, because Masters locked him in the Masterlock to pick up the victory. That's not cool.

So what did you think of tonight's show? Was it cool?

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Posted in WWE/RAW by copygodd at 9:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: bacardi on Aug 31, 2005 07:37 PM.

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