POSTS TAGGED: abc

When we last left Betty, she was accepting a job offer in London while Willie was getting shot. Coincidence? Unfortunately, it was. We open this VERY LAST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD Ugly Betty at a funeral – Willie’s? No! Halston – Fey Sommers skanky old dog. Amanda begins to bury Halsted but [...]

Oh Gasmii, secrets are bad, bad things. Well except for surprise parties, there they are good; unless you don’t tell the guests, then they go back to being bad. Well that’s in real life, because on TV they are solid gold, just like nana’s teeth, which are going to be turned into groceries if the [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Results Show….Shitler is able to check off two more items on her “List of Things I Must Bitchcomplish To Take Over The World”…#47-Make America want to see my freakishly bad dancing nonskills enough to kick off a LIVING AMERICAN HERO and #13-Help my crappy nontalented reality talent show [...]

This week on “Dancing With The Stars: Week 2 Results Show”: Buzz survives the cut, only to be abducted by a bunch of dudes from the local nursing home, led by a greasy black-haired alien obviously here to seek revenge against our first Man On The Moon: The leader of the alien apocalypse is Uncle [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives: McCluskey is cancer-free! Yay! So it’s time for a good ole fashioned Wisteria Lane party, replete with drinks, appetizers, and awkward revelations, as Katherine goes all Anne Heche on Robin’s ass and is all, I don’t know if I’m gay or not! Take me to Fresno so I can knock [...]

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Gabby and Angie head on over to a studio lot in Los Angeles. I’m sorry? What’s that? They’re supposed to be in New York City? Yeah, no one’s gonna buy that, dumbass. While they’re on the Universal lot — fine, FINE: “New York City,” they run into Heidi Klum and Paulina [...]

With the scripted drama exciting reality show known as The Bachelor over for now, ABC has got a whole lot of time to fill….so you know what that means….it’s time for Dancing With Obscurity!!!! Buy one recapper, get one half price!!!

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, Tom and Lynette totes forget Penny’s birthday, sealing her fate as the least cared about child since Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. And/or Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. And maybe that poor kid who was in Home Alone 3. And to add insult to injury, Lynette [...]

This Week on Desperate Housewives: Geez, Julie Benz hit the jackpot after dying in Dexter, cuz this episode is all about her. Or her character, Robin, an ex-stripper. Lynette bitches at Robin about Parker wanting to do her; Gabby convinces her to convince Ana to move away; Robin convinces Bree to strip for Orson using [...]

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Remember when Susan inherited that strip club, and you thought, “Yeah, this’ll be fun for one episode, but that’s it, okay?” Well, StripperSaga continues as Susan convinces one of the Double D’s girls (guest star Julie Benz, who played a vampire on Buffy for about 8 seconds) to quit stripping, and [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives: Having firmly established both the plot and the repercussions of the plane crash, we’re treated to one of those episodes of the show where nothing really happens and everything is supposed to be funny. The operative phrase being “supposed to be.” Gabby and Susan have a falling out over the [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan inherits a strip club from Karl. It sounds funny, but it’s really not. Tom goes back to work (again) for Carlos in Lynette’s place. Bree decides to take care of Orson, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because she doesn’t want to go to hell. Atta [...]

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: It’s all about “What Ifs” as the ladies imagine themselves in different ways, which for Gabby and Susan means old and fat with no personality changes whatsoever, and for Bree and Lynette it means barely aging a day with no personality changes whatsoever. Some people live, some people die, and some [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives: It’s the disaster episode you’ve been waiting for all year long! Lynette and Gabby continue the snipery regarding the whole subpoena thingie. Katherine goes cuckoo when her daughter returns and Susan fills her in on the truth. Bree finalizes things with Orson, who finds out about her and Karl, and [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan finally finds out about Bree, so you can check that off your list. Lynette sues Carlos over her job and it all ends up bitch-slapping her back in the face. Danny tries to kill himself Bell Jar style. Katherine jumps over the edge of sanity so far that I [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: we are forced to find a way to go on after the sudden departure of Meth Face and Svetlana, who were the couple kicked off last week. Now even ABC is setting me up with the crackhead jokes. I love it.

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn’t deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree’s secret; Gabby is still. Trying. To get. Juanita. Back in school. Please, Cherry, let’s just end that soon, mmkay? And Lynette [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: the final five “stars” get down to business with two dances each. Apparently, their business involves shiny plastic vaginas.

This week on Dancing With The Stars: In order to fill the two hours we’re allotted with only 7 couples remaining, we’re going to have a team dance competition! Should have named them Team Douche-o and Team Wango.

This week on Desperate Housewives: Cherry and Co. continue to want everyone to hate Katherine, and if this episode is any evidence, mission accomplished. Because she tries AGAIN to seduce Mike pretty much in front of Susan, then acts like a crazy cake-making ho toward Angie. But MIKE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF! I know! Also, [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: With the threat of a double elimination looming, our dancers settle their differences by virtue of a dance war! Whoever originally said the quote, “Make Love, Not War” definitely did not have this in mind.

This week on Desperate Housewives: Gabby wants Juanita to have the best party ever! Lynette gets served by an 80 year-old. Bree gets served by a Jamaican motel maid. Angie and Nick try to hide things. Again. And Susan begins to see how effing crazy Katherine is. And I choose the most expected, lamest pun [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: Our couples will be assigned one of four never before seen dance styles! Lambada! Cheesier than porn! Bolero! What the eff is that? Country 2-Step! Get the soon to be released instructional video at Walmart! Charleston! Just for Donny Osmond! This is my excited face. You just can’t [...]

Uh oh…we have a crier in the house. Well, after I’m sure a long, angst-ridden waiting period…I, Monamonzano, bring you the FINALE of your favorite show, True Beauty! Well, let’s say the show you love to hate, because favorite would be…ahem, maybe a bit to strong. This week, they have their People Magazine Challenge that [...]

I just pinpointed the exact moment Vanessa Manillo went crazy. This week on True Beauty, the Beauties are thinning out, but I don’t mean physically. I also am not making a reference to Billy’s hair. It’s a judgement by teens as to who is the fittest, prettiest and nicest. TEENAGERS, people! Complete with sniper comments, [...]

More old people? AHHHHH! This magnificent week on True Beauty, the Beauties learn what it’s like to undergo relatively low-pressure exercise that doesn’t involve a gym. Then, they have to shoot a video, ironically, about what “Natural Beauty” means to them. Yeah, I know, somebody hide their boobies (I’m looking at you, LLL). The Judges [...]

Today’s challenge? I make you all 98 degree MIX TAPES! This week on True Beauty, Nessie makes the Beauties pose with old people for a photo shoot. Eeew! She also makes them do terrible impressions of themselves for her own amusement. Who will bump heads? Who will throw a tantrum? Who will help an ugly [...]

This week on True Beauty, The beauties take action sports photos. America’s next top model fans beware, there are always those lame catches that make the contestants seem more “human,” like tests of “Compassion,” “selflessness” and…”non-dickheadishness.” Okay, I made up the “non-dickheadheshness. ” It’s not a word, just a state of mind. Mr. Caddywhompus is….TRUE [...]

“I never meant to hurt you…” Well, it’s been a long road, my friends. A long painful road through this season of The Bachelorette. DeAnna returned from torturous rejection to show the world THE CORRECT way to do this show. She was treated completely unfairly and humiliated before the nation, so she came back to [...]

“Graham, Graham, wherefore art thou Graham?” Tonight on The Bachelorette DeAnna goes on three nearly identical dates in the Bahamas. The guys can DEFINITELY see themselves falling in love with DeAnna and she can DEFINITELY see herself spending the rest of her life with each of them. It’s a Fantasy Overnight Three-peat to remember!

It’s raining men. Welcome to another super-sized episode of The Bachelorette! Tonight the guys dress up like cowboys, go on the Ellen DeGeneres show, and continue to hen peck one another in a grand romantic attempt to win DeAnna’s affection. I’ve got two hours to wade through so without further adieu, let’s get started!

The belle of the ball APOLOGIES, beloved readers, on the arrival of this recap. The job that actually pays my bills took up an inordinate amount of my precious time this last week, but it shan’t happen again! And before we start, I have to vent to you a tiny frustration about this season of [...]

Hollah party people! It’s time for So You Think You Can Dance!!!! It’s bBitz here and I couldn’t be more excited! I LOVE THIS SHOW. I’ve watched every season, attempted every dance move I’ve ever seen on it (most resulting in broken furniture and hospital stays) and fallen in love with every SYTYCD dancer – [...]

Well, you will be happy to know that after last weeks blow/suck-fest, Crabby was vindicated with an Ugly Betty as charming and funny as season one, or at least before the writer’s strike. I guess now that they’ve caught up paying their bills, they’re happy again. I know I’d be happy if I were caught [...]

So, how do you move an island? The same way you move a woman. With flowers. That and other revelations brought us to the brink of the end of Season 4. Two weeks from now we’ll be treated to a two hour Season Finale, but the seeds are planted this week with a scatter-shot flash-forward [...]

Kids, this episode of Ugly Betty irritated the Crab to no end. It wasn’t just me, either…the scuttlebutt with the other worker bees at the office the following day leads me to believe that this episode caught a lot of people the wrong way, much like many shows are doing lately. Let’s blame the writer’s [...]

Such a dork. The night is finally here! The Bachelor – all the way from London, England – is finally going to make up his mind and propose to his one and only true love. Who will it be? Well, first the two lucky finalists have to try and prove themselves to Matt’s British family [...]

Quick! The women are telling all! So I tried, I really tried to come up with anything to say about The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, but seriously, there was nothing new. Stacey was back to explain how embarrassed she was about being such a drunken freak show on the first episode and then as [...]

Lots happened last week on Ugly Betty…but the most important thing (in my mind) is that something is going to catch on fire this week. Hope it’s not the Suarez Hacienda, but I’m loving the drama. Let the crazy begin! “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning, that gives us 5 hours until your next meeting.” [...]

This week on Dancing with the Stars we recover from last weeks high drama (injuries and prom queens gone mad!!) – and jump right into ballroom! And this week dancers are allowed ONE LIFT! Ladies and Gentlemen – prepare yourselves for bloodshed! I love ballroom night! Everyone’s all dressed up – with careers that have [...]