POSTS TAGGED: american

They’re just NOW getting how the voting works???

“These faces have been on your screens for over three months. You know more about these tools than any other season. You are voting more passionately than ever, but one of them has to go.” For a second, I thought Seabreath was breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to me. I was so startled [...]

Don’t forget the Jabbawockeez are America’s Best Dance Crew, dawg! Dear Judges, Andrew Lloyd Webber wants his masks back. This is American Idol goes to Musical Theater Camp, where anything goes!

The judges react to Mariah Carey’s lesser known hit “Ken Lee” Now that’s it’s down to 7 mostly blah contestants, we’re losing some steam here on American Idol. Seabreath walks past a somber lineup of the leftover contestants like they’re labor camp prisoners waiting for their daily ration of bread and lashings. It’s better than [...]

What are you bitching about? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NIGEL!

Ow! My back!

“The magic is inside you. There ain’t no crystal ball.” Remember how I suggested that an awesome twist for American Idol would be strapping the judges to the lie detectors used on the godforsaken shitshow that is The Moment of Truth? Well, some story editors at FOX must be reading my lil’ ole’ recaps, because [...]

This week on American Idol, Paula and I were on the exact same page. I woke up for this?

John Lennon chokes on hacks. Again. I’ve been seriously deliriously sleep-deprived this week, because I thought Mariah Carey was scheduled to guest judge this week, or at least perform “Touch My Body” while Kenneth the Page hula-hooped and twirled flaming giant turkey legs around her. Alas, it was all a croissant-fueled hallucination. Join me, mon [...]

Tink descends from the sky into the now massive studio and gives us a wink. Tonight, there will be a new set! New lights! Platforms and lifts and globes and screens and mosh pits!!! One question. Would it have killed you to add a pitch pipe into your budget? Welcome to the finals! This! Is [...]

“I refuse to bathe until we get Melinda Doolittle back.” I have a confession to make. While channelsurfing, I caught the end of a particularly hellacious episode of The Moment of Truth. The one where a dirty blonde who resembled a brassy Miss Piggy ‘fessed up to the following: 1. Being fired for stealing money [...]

I can’t remember why I left Star 98.7. Things that are super-hyped but are ultimately underwhelming, the more you think about them: 1. Pinkberry. Why should I pay over three dollars for fake frozen yogurt made from a powdered mix that’s combined with water? 2. The top 12 guys on Tuesday’s American Idol. The girls [...]