POSTS TAGGED: cowell

America learns the proper way to give a hickey. Dear Seabreath, Why does my vote matter more this week? It would only matter more if fewer people were voting, but that doesn’t appear to be the case since you claimed that 45 million people voted last week. I may be the only Asian kid alive [...]

“These faces have been on your screens for over three months. You know more about these tools than any other season. You are voting more passionately than ever, but one of them has to go.” For a second, I thought Seabreath was breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to me. I was so startled [...]

There are times on American Idol where you’re left saying “Well, that was quite a shocker”, and there are times that you’re throwing Little Caesars at the TV and screaming “ROOBBBBBBBBBEEED!” Guess what kinda night this was for me?

Don’t forget the Jabbawockeez are America’s Best Dance Crew, dawg! Dear Judges, Andrew Lloyd Webber wants his masks back. This is American Idol goes to Musical Theater Camp, where anything goes!

The judges react to Mariah Carey’s lesser known hit “Ken Lee” Now that’s it’s down to 7 mostly blah contestants, we’re losing some steam here on American Idol. Seabreath walks past a somber lineup of the leftover contestants like they’re labor camp prisoners waiting for their daily ration of bread and lashings. It’s better than [...]

What are you bitching about? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NIGEL!

Ow! My back!

“The magic is inside you. There ain’t no crystal ball.” Remember how I suggested that an awesome twist for American Idol would be strapping the judges to the lie detectors used on the godforsaken shitshow that is The Moment of Truth? Well, some story editors at FOX must be reading my lil’ ole’ recaps, because [...]

This week on American Idol, Paula and I were on the exact same page. I woke up for this?

John Lennon chokes on hacks. Again. I’ve been seriously deliriously sleep-deprived this week, because I thought Mariah Carey was scheduled to guest judge this week, or at least perform “Touch My Body” while Kenneth the Page hula-hooped and twirled flaming giant turkey legs around her. Alas, it was all a croissant-fueled hallucination. Join me, mon [...]

Tink descends from the sky into the now massive studio and gives us a wink. Tonight, there will be a new set! New lights! Platforms and lifts and globes and screens and mosh pits!!! One question. Would it have killed you to add a pitch pipe into your budget? Welcome to the finals! This! Is [...]