POSTS TAGGED: hilarious

Oh Gasmii, this recap is unfairly late; and I fear it gets worse: it’s going to be a little bit bad. Sadly, in the world of the outer-gasm, I have a very unrewarding job that takes up entirely too much of my time, stresses me out a great deal, and get this: doesn’t even permit [...]

Boy, it has been a long and strange eight weeks, hasn’t it? Never in life did I think I would have the opportunity to see so many walking doormat salon owners, poorly skilled colorists, badly-hygiened cutters and downright stupid support staff. We’ve seen just about every kind of managenent style, too… starting with the Micro- [...]

Tonight on The Hills, the whole crew (or at least those who matter) go to Cabo-Wabo to live in a state of constant inebriation and to happily witness the tension between Blahdrina and her alley-dwelling Romeo mount even further (and you didn’t think it was possible!). It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for since… well, [...]

Dear Crabby: What could be more trashtastic than having your sister be your son’s real father? -Couch Ass Groove Dear Couch: Nothing except that unfortunate dress Willie was wearing during most of the show. Did Dynasty throw up on her, and spew bile on Marc? Oy. But the telenovelas deliciousness continues, including a guest appearance [...]

This week on the I Love Money reunion, it’s really obvious that some of these girls need an attitude adjustment! I just wish there was a place for them to go, say a place where they could learn some charm. If there ever is such a place, I sure hope VH1 thinks to promote it.

Dear Gasmii, For those of you that have spent valuable hours, days, and weeks wondering if abusive public urination can now be considered passé, this week’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter has officially confirmed the cliché status of peeing as a form of revenge. Now that a sparkly golden rain has become a mundane pastime [...]

My friends, I’m running way late this week, so let’s just skip the opening banter. It’s not like this is a presidential debate or something. An American woman of Chinese descent is in China, walking through a Buddhist place of worship with her interpreter. She’s looking for her birth parents. When she introduces herself, they [...]

This week’s episode of Heroes, entitled “Angels and Monsters,” calls to mind every single cliché frat/sorority party theme I have ever been subjected to, including “CEO’s and Office Hoes” and “Mermaids and Seamen.” Let’s pop our collars and do this! I said pop your collar.

Back when I was a young boy, and still had hope for the future, I dreamed of a world in which everyone flitted about in personal hovercrafts and jet-packs (mysteriously avoiding zillions of mid-air collisions), computers would talk to us in British accents (they’d all sound like Joan Collins in her giant shoulder-padded Dynasty days), [...]

Does this man: a) Live for Ren Fests? b) Consider Hot Topic’s 1998 winter catalogue to be the last word in fashion? c) Make Liberace look butch? d) Teach thousands of men how to get laid and get more ass than the proverbial toilet seat? After the jump, people:

Tonight on Desperate Housewives, Danielle brings her family for a visit, MJ gets bullied, Lynette makes Tom feel like he’s worthless for the millionth time, and Mike makes Jackson his bitch. …and McCluskey tries to initiate a key party. Dirty ho!

It’s another Thursday night and I sit down fully prepared for more self centered arguments, painful whining, un-mistakable sexual undertones and misleading logic. And that’s just from the Vice-Presidential debates! Thank you Sarah and Joe for interrupting an hour of Meredith whining for an hour and a half of your own. But fear not readers, [...]

This week on Project Runway, a girl wins! YAY! Someone please water Kenley before she dies.

Offices, as a rule, suck as far as interior design goes. Unless you’re Anna Wintour (editor of Vogue) or Diane Von Furburger (famously accented fashion designer) or Martha Stewart (God), you pretty much are stuck with a room that has all the personality and sex-appeal of a wad of gum stuck under the conference room [...]

On this week’s episode of “The Hills,” BLAHDRINA IS A DEPLORABLE DUMBASS. Which we already knew, but it became more unbearably evident than ever before. Plus, she goes through the whole episode looking like that chick Alotta Fagina from “Austin Powers,” with or without the buoyancy of water. Less awful and more fuckable than Blahdrina.

This week on The Island, Robin gets to taste some pizza, Johnny Bananas gets a taste of his own medicine, and oh look, I think Evelyn wants to play baseball with Johnny’s head… Fun!

Making the Band has been crying wolf with manufactured drama all season. And although this episode ended with a dramatic cliffhanger, I remain skeptical. Let’s take a looksee, shall we? I hope he’s channeling the reality tv gods cuz this show needs some SAVIN’!

Hello gorgeous dolls, and welcome to Atlanta for the latest installment of the Real Housewives! This Housewife franchise isn’t really my bag of tricks, quite frankly, new money bores me. But a few weeks ago, during one of my bonding days with my sofa, I happened to catch the preview special on Bravo, and next [...]

Dear Crabby: Can this show get any better in terms of reaching a telenovelas high this season? -Couch Ass Groove Dear Couch: Any better, and you’ll have to be writing to Dear Happy. And no one wants that! -Crabby/Happy Glad to see the Biore strips are working, Betty! This was ONE SWEET episode of Ugly [...]

This week on I Love Money, the episode is as long as Midget Mac’s wang! Which is ironic, to say the least.

Dear Gasmii, I am sorry to say that this week’s episode chronicling the lives of our valiant, fighter, wannabes left me SHOCKED. Completely, SHOCKED by the boorish, violent, and crude behavior of some of the little guys. Who would have thunk that alcoholic punks would behave so badly when locked in a testosterone ridden house [...]

Yatta! I did it! I finally found a job that absolutely fits me and is willing and able to pay me more than packing peanuts and boxes of Mike&Ike. Oh wait, the economy is going to render the future job null and void (I was silly enough to choose “journalist/writer” as my career), and now [...]

This week on Project Runway, Kors steals from Kenley, Kenley steals from McQueen, and Squirc steals construction paper from middle schools to finish her line. I got you, damn fly!

There’s at least one in every workplace. We’ve all been stuck at a desk or in a cube near her at some point. She’s the gal who wears the ill-fitting too-tight tops and low-rise capris (with thong undies) and doesn’t seem to understand that at a certain point spaghetti straps stop looking sexy and start [...]

Would probably make a better Republican presidential candidate. Wow. You know, there’s nothing like a good verbal beat-down when it comes to protecting the honor of a weak living Barbie Doll. On this week’s episode, Holly Montag ups the ante on familial defense with her cojones of steel, Pigpen secures his nook in Blahdrina’s vagina, [...]

****Note from the Editor: We weren’t going to cover Paris Hilton’s show because, well, why? But then we saw it. Please welcome your newest recapper, TheAngriestWhitestMale! Cute, ain’t he?

Tonight (or today, if it’s daytime when you’re reading this) on Desperate Housewives: Jackson and Mike bond (but not nakedly) much to Susan’s chagrin; Gabby whines AGAIN about being poor and ugly, Lynette does something seriously icky, and Bree is pretty much a bitch to everyone throughout the entire episode. I’ll get you, Batman!

So at this point, I’m pretty sure a higher being is keeping me from getting these recaps done on time. And no, it’s not my local bartender. No, the greater force this week was my own idiot self when I locked myself out of my apartment for an entire afternoon with nothing on me except [...]

This week on The Island, Johnny has a birthday party, Ashli makes me hate her; and Johanna does her best Slutty Drunk Shotgirl impression. “Good one! Now do Stupid Spoiled Whore!”

After last week’s recap of Making the Band, one of my favorite Gasmiis, Y3KPhenom, commented about Que and Dawn’s romance, saying “I hope that MTV tones the coverage down a bit, but really, what else is there for them to show with this group? More Orangebrey faux-drama? More Diddy nuttiness? I mean, Will’s chest is [...]

Dear Crabby: Is it possible Ugly Betty has redeemed itself from last week? -Couch Ass Groove Dear Couch: In the words of Homer Simpson, “Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!” because yes, they did! And I’m not just saying that because I’m high on Benadryl, either. -Crabby We begin this Ugly Betty much where [...]

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not the most athletic of men. When I’m motivated, I can get the hell up on a stage and shake my 250 pound ass so hard to the beats of Janet, Beyoncé and Rihanna that other people get injured… and then other times I find myself [...]

This week of House is brought to you by Episode Formula #4: Doctor Sees Self in Patient. You may remember that we got the same formula in the premiere, to less than stellar results. Does it work this week? Read on! Playing the Patient: Breckin Meyer, who I really like. Playing the Doctor: Louie. Finally [...]

Hey Gasmii, Here we are down to 16 ‘contendahs’; 8 semi heavyweight and 8 lightweight, all about to take up residence in the Training House. Let the dysfunction begin… Boys will be boys. And, with that mildly titillating beginning, let’s all down the obligatory and medically necessary sedative of our choice and take the jump…

And we’re off! To the races, and also to jail. Mahone gets got, but do the Superfriends let him rot in jail or risk their mission to save him? Okay, you can probably guess the answer to that. But wow, a busy day for Team Justice! Two Missions: Implausible in one episode, and we still [...]

Last week’s outrageous 6 hours of Dancing With The Stars resulted in the ousting of “comedian” Jeffrey Ross and professional handsome man Ted McGinley. I just have to say. Poor Jeffrey. Getting poked in the eye and then summarily kicked off the show. That’s gotta hurt. That glitter patch hurt us way more than it [...]

Sometimes I sit in my cubicle at work and stare off into space having one of my many Lottery Fantasies… one of which involves having my own adult film production company (mercifully for you, O Beloved Gasmii, I will not go into detail about it other than to say it would feature hefty men like [...]

This week, the final four designers on Project Runway blow the judges out of the water and prove to America that this isn’t the worst season ever. Why else would Nina be making this face? She’s brought out the cow print. We’re screwed.

This week’s ANTM/Hoolia co-sponsored lesson: You know you’ve been feeling guilty about your recaps when Top Model infiltrates your dreams. Yes Gasmii, I’m sad to admit that last night, I had my first (and let’s pray to Tyra, my last) ANTM-related dream. I’ll spare you the lame details because face it – everyone thinks their [...]

Time for part 2 of this week’s Kitchen Nightmares, or really the second of two entirely separate episodes. I love me some Gordon Ramsay, but I hope he doesn’t make a habit out of this. The relationship is getting a bit serious. I need a little me-time. Aw, come on…don’t look at me like that…