POSTS TAGGED: hilarious

“So, here we are, frenemies.” This week on “The Hills,” nobody is dating anybody, LC doesn’t care, and Heidi is in perfect mental health. Yeah right! Join me, won’t you, to find out which blonde ends up with the sunlight streaming through her golden tresses as she sobs silently by the end of the half [...]

This week on Desperate Housewives, Bree is now Martha Stewart, Katherine is now bitter(er), Lynette is now Lynette, Edie is now back, Susan is now Gabby, and Gabby’s now “fat.” And still, people keep running over on time and robbing McClutzky of her bits. HEATHENS!

This week on Kitchen Nightmares, G-Ram stacks two completely independent episodes in a two hour block for no apparent reason. All the obnoxiousness you can eat, after the jump. What? You don’t see my strongly linked themes of erm…family togeth…umm…strength in advers…oh, fuck it. Let’s just do this bitch.

This week’s episode of Making the Band is full of gag-inducing lovey dovey Dawn and Que moments. So before you start this recap, this is your warning to go ahead and take some Pepto to protect yourself from all the syrupy saccharine. Also in this episode, the girls straddle horses and another girl straddles Brillo! [...]

Dear Crabby: Ohmygod ohmygod I’ve been waiting all summer for the season premiere of Ugly Betty. Will it be as good as I hoped? -Couch Ass Groove Dear Couch: I’ve been waiting all summer for it too and realized I may have been a little too hyped up for the premiere when I realized I [...]

This week on The Island, KellyAnne shows us she’s stronger than we thought, Robin shows us that she’s very emotional, and Rachel…. Well, Rachel shows us her “Oh-Face”

In the world of Design, there is a fine line between looking chic… and looking like you take it up the ass. Well, actually, no, there really isn’t any difference between the two, and that’s why a lot of straight-male bachelor pads are probably “decorated” with generous quantities of dirt, body hair, stiff kleenex and [...]

This week on I Love Money, we find out what happened on that suspenseful cliffhanger! You know, the one that was spoiled instantly if you watched VH1 at all during the week? Yeah! I’m all aflutter!

Hey everyone. It’s time for Survivor again! After an excellent season of Big Brother this summer, I won’t be using this episode to wash the reality taste out of my mouth, as I’ve become so used to doing after these long, dry summers. I’ve also never been happier to have my HD television, although in [...]

Clearly, ‘Gasmii, I couldn’t stay away. I’m back. Sylar’s back, and hopefully you’re back at your work computer, snacking on some Twinkies or Pringles and pretending you care about unlocking more Excel spreadsheet functionality when you’re actually reading this. Because Tim Kring decided to doubleteam me with back-to-back hourlong episodes for his premiere-a-palooza, you’ll have [...]

I just got the WORST manicure in the history of the world and I’m pissed, so I’m more than ready to watch eight back-to-back bitch smacking, low down, hair pulling, face scratching, genital kneeing “fights”. Seriously… Do… Not… Fuck… with my nails, hair, clothes, or accessories. Incompetent manicurists and incompetent “contendahs” should both be locked [...]

Tonight on Dancing With the Stars, we learn that America hates gay blind people and loves eighty two year old sluts! God bless us! This is a pic of me and my friend/DWTS partner KrankMills. Guess which one’s which!

Let’s get right to it, huh? I thought last week was sort of an average episode, the typical “name that disease” formula. This show can certainly do better. Maybe this week? We open on two women playing tennis. The sweat and hair are flying but I don’t hear any squealing or grunting. I thought that [...]

Made you look! Our good friend mamabird commented a couple of weeks ago that this show was getting very Burn Noticey, and it totally is. I love Burn Notice because it’s got that awesome breezy smirky 80s vibe going; Michael Weston is Magnum PI with McGyvery skills and a touch of Mr. Wizard (“Hey kids! [...]

This week on Project Runway, Kenley’s an a hole. Sorry was that a spoiler? Pointy heads, frizzy hair and under eye bags are in and hot skinny blondes are out. Project Runway for President!

When I was still a practicing Catholic (I say “practicing” because I never got really good at it… you know, the whole “I-go-to-church-on-Sundays-so-that-gives-me-carté-blanche-to-be-a-raging-dickwad-towards-the-rest-of-humanity-the-other-six-days-of-the-week” thing) my little sister and I co-owned a concession stand at the Bingo games on Sunday Night at Our Lady Of Perpetual Help… …except we always called it “Our Lady Of Perpetual [...]

Oh it feels good to be back at the ‘gasm. Thank you to Flipit for thinking of me and bringing me back on board and sharing the DWTS duties with me, because as he said to me, “OMG three two hour nights in a row!?!?!?!?!” Yeah. Yeeeeaaaaaah. The episode starts with the usual fanfare, live [...]

“If I tell you, do you promise not to tell?” Welcome, fellow haters! This week’s zany, WTF-filled episode posed an existential query to us all: Can “The Hills” exist without Lauren Conrad? (That’s like asking if the earth could survive without a vaguely boring, overly blow-dried sun to rotate around.) It also taught us a [...]

On this week’s ANTM, we get all the usual makeover goodness (and hideousness), plus a bonus performance! Nigel’s reluctant understudy

First of all, I would like to apologize for the lateness of this week’s Making the Band recap. In a tragic turn of unexpected events, my two month old MacBook totally crapped out, leaving me MacLess for four days and counting. Don’t worry, I’ve sent letters of complaint directly to Justin Long. Meanwhile, our favorite [...]

This week on a “very special” Kitchen Nightmares, G-Ram finds himself playing the multiple roles of tv personality, chef, and family therapist. We hope this involves a lot of shirt-changes. Sigh. I really need to renegotiate my contract. A family torn asunder, the very first documented “authentic Italian” potato skins, and the softer side of [...]

This week on The Island, Dave suggests ranch is something more than just a flavor, Bananas shows us his rotten side, and I develop a small crush on Abram. I know! I’m as shocked as you are!! Really?

Let’s hop back aboard USS Crazy, shall we? And who’s the captain? Of course, our friendly octogenarian zombie, Janice Dickinson. Why, might you ask, am I not the Captain? Well, I gave it up after I headed a little voyage called the Spanish Armada. Grew out of it, you know? Lacked enjoyment. Yeah, I’m old. [...]

This week on I Love Money, we start seeing a damn lot of ads for Rock of Love Girls: Charm School 2. I’m as excited about this show as anyone ever could be, but they skanked the girls up really hard for the opening photoshoot. I mean, Heather, really? Really? One of my beloved commenters, [...]

Hey Gasmii, Welcome to Ultimate Fighter, the ultimate in crazy bitch slapping reality shows. And when I say crazy I don’t mean talking to yourself on the bus kind of crazy. I mean stabbing people with screwdrivers because you don’t like their pet gerbil kind of crazy, and then keeping the gerbil in your freezer, [...]

Remember back in the late 90′s when ABC held their “Viva Las Vegas” night, and there was a massive crossover with all their hit shows of the time, between “Coach” and “Ellen” and “Grace Under Fire” and “The Drew Carey Show”? Over the course of two hours you got to see separate episodes of all [...]

Hello again, Gasmi. We’re back with episode 4 of 90210! This week, we are treated to some more Silver and Dixon, Naomi and Ethan, Ty and Annie, and a whole lot of outfit changes. Plus, the father of Kelly’s son is revealed once and for all! Find out who knocked her up and left the [...]

***Note from the Editor: Gasmii, you did us right by rocking the vote in this Fall’s Auditiongasm! Please give it up for your newest recapper, Copyhacker!!! Welcome to season 5 of CSI:ER House! Before we get rolling, I’d like to note that I’m no relation to the late great copygodd, whose House recaps of seasons [...]

This week on Project Runway, Mrs. Peacock killed someone in the dining room with a revolver and Kenley acted like a total asshole.

Part of the fun with Prison Break is that you’re not meant to take it all that seriously, and yet it gives me more heartburn than anything else on television. Except maybe the news. Or anything that contains the words “Heidi” or “Spencer.” The point is, damn, people! More corpses this week, and more close [...]

A good friend of mine who is a music composer (and his boyfriend, who is an animator) have been at the New York Television Festival this week… I got a text message from him on Saturday that said “Girl, I am fifteen feet away from Tabatha Coffey… THE one!” I immediately texted him back threatening [...]

Tonight, on the last night of the best season of Big Brother in a loooong time, Renny wins a new wig!

Welcome, everyone, to another fun-filled half-hour of uncomfortable reaction shots, listless wealth, and badly overdubbed audio, all presided over by the Queen of Meh herself, Ms. Lauren Conrad (‘n’ Friends!). Last week ended with a tear-filled reunion, and tonight will bring the return Pigpen’s douchiness (Hint: it was hiding under his goatee). Naturally, these people [...]

Oh, how these models get disrupted by Kehoe! And, Janice is a self-proclaimed Germiphobe. Kentucky Denim goes better than I thought, meaning Kehoe gets his ass kicked by Dominic. And, people like Martin as a model, even though he’s hard of hearing and has a hunky interpreter. Traci moves into the house because Janice thinks she’s fat, and Hazuki gets her hair chopped off while Crystal looks on in pride (because she got a haircut, once, too). Xian makes a big ‘ol meal and Polina gets her teeth fixed. Kehoe gets kicked out. Lots is always happening here in the Model Mansion.

Hello, Gasmii, and welcome to the first real episode of season two of Kitchen Nightmares! In this episode, we are treated to the best of Long Island: a restaurant named after the owner’s mustache, turtleneck sweaters that haven’t been manufactured since 1987, a lady-mullet, and for no apparent reason, Dee Snider. Will Guest Star for [...]

This week on Making the Band, it’s time for the very first show on the tour. I bet that our heroes and heroines will stumble and fumble all through the rehearsals only to magically pull off a concert of a lifetime in the end! Now let’s get this manufactured drama show on the road! The [...]

This week on I Want to Work for Diddy, Boris loses his title as the show’s sole bigot, Mike’s an idiot savant with the ladies, and we learn why the morbidly obese gain the weight. “Gah… blonde…. boobies…” Doing our country proud, boys.

Picture it: Somewhere off the coast of Panama. Actually, that’s not true. It’s not just anywhere. It’s in Bocas del Toro, or “the mouths of the bull”. Because apparently bulls have two mouths now. But that’s not all that’s different. This time times are tough. People are washing up on shore. Rachel has no friends. [...]

In my tremendously exciting and stimulating day job as a Medicare D Claims Analyst / Adjuster (*snort*.. my job title has the word “anal” in it…) I am often forced to tackle projects with a “teammate” or “partner”. Sometimes this pairing is super-simpatico and the two of us spend our planning sessions eating Chex Mix [...]

This week on Million Dollar Listing: Chad and Trust Fund fight like 7th grade girls. Madison tries to sell some land. Chad finds a house for a family friend and his mom creeps me out. Trust Fund spends time with granny and attempts to make the biggest sale of his life. In the end, all [...]