POSTS TAGGED: Monamonzano

the more i watch this, the more scared i get that some poor woman is going to be sexually assaulted at this thing. GUY’S CHOICE!

Finale Time!

Snapple: Celeb Apprentice Flavor

Making magic here at Celeb Apprentice! This week, someone leaves for “personal reasons” and the groups make commercials for rite guard. Still, the ladies and men are even because Sharon is dying and Cyndi- for most of the episode- is in Washington with president Obama. Yeah, poor Obama! Anyhoo, the dudes and ladies feel the [...]

Everything is hard. This week, our C list crew of misfits have to design an ad for Norton Antivirus theft identity protection. The girls really go for emotion, and the guys…really like words. Also, Blog is fucking incompetent, and we can’t WAIT to hear more verbal diherrhea from Cyndi Lauper. Am I right? Wohooo!

He’s ALREADY fired. This week, the two teams have to design a new marketing campaign for Kodak. Sinbad and Maria are the leaders and both have to deal with the apeshittery that is Cyndi Lauper and Rod Blag. For real, if someone doesn’t go crazy by the end of this season, I will.

Celebrity apprentice, now in weaselvision! This week, the motley assortment of tools break into groups, name themselves, have a baby that is a restaurant and one team loses. Can you guess which? Doesn’t matter- you’ll see a lot of ex-mayor Blago acting like a dipshit and Cyndi Lauper forgetting that she’s on TV.

I’ll miss you the most, gay gay gay Ben. Previously on Sexrets of Aspen (yeah right)…old bitches in hats and off the shoulder blouses. Some poor, some rich. Some ugly, some uglier. Oh, and lots of coffee beverages. How much damage can a bunch of old broads and one queen do? Well…we’ll see on the [...]

The holding room. Hope there’s enough oxygen for everyone. This week on American Idol, three rooms to begin with, but only two will REMAIN! Then, from those two, people will be systematically grilled and then executed. Kidding about the execution part. But seriously, they’ll be cut again to make the final lucky, high strung, constantly [...]

Puppies really know what team play means. Only the strong survive puppy bowl. Sure, some men like football and get drunk watching men in tight uniforms but the real heroes? Those who can endure the constant game of puppy bowlery. And yes, we have it here. So- I pose this question to you: Are you [...]

We’re a modest bunch This week on Secrets of Aspen, Laura continues to be the uberbitch that she is by stacking the deck in her favor at a CHARITY AUCTION, where women and men get to bid on and DRAMA flies! Also, gay gay gay Ben stays sexually frustrated, being the only gay man or [...]

Yeah, we’re doing this. This week on Secrets of Aspen, we meet Erin, a truly annoying ass rich bitch who looks as if her mother was drinking and gestating. She comes to Aspen and goes fly fishing while making their guide wanna kill himself. Laura and Brooke keep fighting (yawn) and Kat gets ever the [...]

Laura, on her front. In this inaugural episode, Laura comes back to Aspen from (surprise surprise) Orange county and immediately starts shit up with Brooke, Googly eyes and some poor bitch Masseuse. At the summer celebration party, Laura ends her friendship with Brooke and takes Googly eyes’ man while Kat (the poor one) finds an [...]

The Jacksons don’t sell out, right? This week is an even larger, more heaping pile of ridiculous when the three Jacksons do what they can on their individual projects to avoid working together. Marlon tries to make a big ol resort with mechanical slaves and shit, while Jermaine pretends like he cares about Indian culture. [...]

This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others’ businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 [...]

That’s my “bite your dick off” face. This week on The Hills, Kristin hones her man huntin’ by courting Brody and his plastic surgery mishap of a mother. Jayde and Kristin have a quasi-fight at the kids’ favorite hangout, Playhouse and Spencer doesn’t know about the human body, or the logistics of a vasectomy! Ooops! [...]

Cry, but do it pretty for the cameras… This week on the massive shitshow in my life that is THE HILLS, Kristin has a big ‘ol party and invites the usual gang of idiots. Justin says he’s not going to show, then does, and Kristin contemplates dating Brody…and vice versa after enduring Jayde’s gross face [...]

This week, the girls get makeovers. Oh, the Hills. Where would we be without our regular dose of living assery? Probably not in MALIBU, watching this episode, where Justin Bobby finally puts his penis into Kristin’s vagina. Also, Blahdrina is boring and everyone else is dumb.

Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie “Bulimia” Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the [...]

Forgo the diet for an EXTRA HELPING OF MORE TO LOVE! This week on more to love, fatass dreams do come true when Tali and Malissa meat Luke’s family (yeah, I’m hilarious) and then his mom, and go on a final date. Then, Luke picks out two wedding rings for dramatic resonance, but only one [...]

Four ladies, Four rings. Lots of fuckin’ tears. This week, the ladies go on individual dates and…surprise surprise…meet their parents or relatives at the date. Sounds like a TON of fun. Drama amongst the girls and Malissa’s general deviousness make for another episode of…you guessed it: tears and hate-eating.

I will eat you. This week on more to love, the “good wife” “bad wife” exercise basically fucks with the fragile minds of all the plus-size ladies in the house. Well, that’s all the ladies. The person who wins and loses the exercise cry a lot, go on a one-on-one date, and the rest of [...]

A necessary production cost This week on More to Love, fat-ass talons fly as the girls show their true colors on two group dates and one very bitchy solo date to vegas! Yes, there are pools involved, and also involuntary vomiting. Are you excited? I am. There’s always a second helping at the proverbial buffet [...]

Like, 200 lbs more. This week on the Series Premiere of Fox’s More to Love, Luke, a 26 year old dude is looking for a chunky lady to be his everything. And man, there is a LOT of lady to go around. These women are like, super fat and super desperate and ready to get [...]

***Another week, another random ass show we don’t cover. This one? Is a doozie. Please welcome Monamonzano with 16 and Pregnant! I am so, so sorry. This week on “Make me a teenage mother,” aka, “16 and Pregnant,” the season finale is all about giving away babies so they don’t grow up as Midwestern trash. [...]

O.Snapp is on vacation this week, so please welcome your sub Hills recapper, Monamonzano! Back to something important- ME! This week, the ramifications of the “Boys” Hawaiian vacation erupts in monumental, melodramatic, man-coholic and often melancholic douchebaggery, Heidi and Spence keep seeing the therapist after another run-in with Stace-face, and Blahdrina gets torn a couple [...]

Do I see Boobs? This week on MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL, the models do a Mod sixties shoot with partners that they like a lot or don’t like at all. Kerryn’s forhead really shines in this episode, folks, literally and figuratively. The Go-sees prove that not everyone has what it takes, and the catwalk challenge [...]

Daddy Like. This week on Make me a Supermodel, it’s all about passion. Threesome photo shoots make me TINGLY. The models contend with their own insecurities while in cute sailor suits, and the catwalk stresses a sort of ham-fisted role reversal….where the girls wear power suits and the guys wear skirts. And yeah, I still [...]

Hotness McHotterstein. This week, it’s all about sports, but not looking retarded while doing them. Yep, it’s gonna be a hard challenge for these models. The shoot consists of the models flying around in the air like rag dolls, and then the catwalk is them in sexy little underwear cages. Mmmm…and, of course, a little [...]

Happy Undergarments Hey YO! Welcome to the world renowned, celebrity-studded recap of Bravo Tv’s MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL! WOHOOO! By world-renowned, I guess I mean in my bedroom and surrounding living spaces. By Celebrity-studded, I mean my cats are chillin with me whilst I write this. So join me, friends lovers and brethren, as I [...]

Uh oh…we have a crier in the house. Well, after I’m sure a long, angst-ridden waiting period…I, Monamonzano, bring you the FINALE of your favorite show, True Beauty! Well, let’s say the show you love to hate, because favorite would be…ahem, maybe a bit to strong. This week, they have their People Magazine Challenge that [...]

They called me chipmunk-cheeks in middle school. Guess I showed them! This week on True Beauty, four contestants remain: Paggie, LLL, Encino Man and Billy. In a surprise move, their moms (and Billy’s dad) come to escort them to a fake hollywood party, and they get judged on their conversational skills, beauty and ability to [...]

I just pinpointed the exact moment Vanessa Manillo went crazy. This week on True Beauty, the Beauties are thinning out, but I don’t mean physically. I also am not making a reference to Billy’s hair. It’s a judgement by teens as to who is the fittest, prettiest and nicest. TEENAGERS, people! Complete with sniper comments, [...]

More old people? AHHHHH! This magnificent week on True Beauty, the Beauties learn what it’s like to undergo relatively low-pressure exercise that doesn’t involve a gym. Then, they have to shoot a video, ironically, about what “Natural Beauty” means to them. Yeah, I know, somebody hide their boobies (I’m looking at you, LLL). The Judges [...]

Today’s challenge? I make you all 98 degree MIX TAPES! This week on True Beauty, Nessie makes the Beauties pose with old people for a photo shoot. Eeew! She also makes them do terrible impressions of themselves for her own amusement. Who will bump heads? Who will throw a tantrum? Who will help an ugly [...]