POSTS TAGGED: recap

Meredith becomes a BITCH.

Last week was Christmas in Biermann land.  It was a clash between Kroy’s idea of a real Christmas tree that was strangely green and reeking of forest-y freshness and Kim’s idea of a real Christmas tree that’s pre-decorated and boxed up in the Big Poppa Gift Emporium just waiting to be plugged in and skirted. [...]

Wherein Ryan breaks it down for Barbara and tells her that he wants to make sure she doesn’t just want to sleep with him because that happens to him all the time.

Hello Gasmii! Who’s excited for the return of the bloodiest, nakedest, sexiest and weirdest summer guilty pleasure? This girl! Who’s excited to be recapping Season 6 for y’all? This girl! That’s right…I’ll be delving into the strange, dark world of Bon Temps as your True Blood recapper this summer. I’ll be your…”Authority” on it, if [...]

John and Ellen may be smooching siblings!!!

Ick factor.

The other day, someone mentioned to me that they had missed the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiere episode and asked me what they missed.  ”Have you seen the last two seasons?” I questioned.  They had.  ”Then you missed nothing,” I replied.  Welcome back to the same shit I’ve been writing about for three years, [...]

The first team challenge of the season results in a high-stakes pressure test, and a pony is sent home!

This week on Bullshit Amish, we pick up where we left off last week with some guy named Mike who is a proud redneck and wants to beat up the disgusting Jeremiah who porked his girl.  Jeremiah claims that it’s all OK, because the girl had broken up with Mike before they slept together.  How [...]

Lew-wee bags, bug spray and breakdowns

Cheers to motherf-in motherhood!

Last week, it was the best of report cards, it was the worst of report cards.  Kim encouraged Kroy to try a new strategy of rewarding Brielle for failing a couple of classes by giving her back everything they’d taken away and letting her go to prom.  Brielle’s grades improved dramatically, and she had fun [...]

Well, Dance Moms is back. It seems like just yesterday that their season ended… but it was actually about two weeks ago.  Study shows that being on a reality TV show causes you to lose all sense of style. This is a long ass episode, so hang in there. Pyramid time and Abby is still [...]

The bloodfeud continues…

Penis envy taken to new levels.

Sex, bills & stalkers

This JUST happened.

Jews, Shoes and Pools

Last week on Breaking Amish, Sabrina got into a white trash battle royale with Jeremiah’s on-again/off-again girlfriend, Kim.  We resume right here with Kate, Sabrina, and Kim yelling at each other about respect.  Sabrina goes all over dramatic by calling 911 to come and get Kim, because the cops don’t have more important things to [...]

Last week on Hell’s Kitchen, Zach mangled the pronunciation of common Japanese ingredients, Ja’Nel fell apart during dinner service, and Nedra was given the boot. Will the “blosers” finally get their act together, or will Jon snap and cut a bitch? Find out now, on the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen. The chefs are unceremoniously dismissed [...]

The auditions are over, and it’s time to find out what’s in the first box!

Last week, the Biermanns were making plans to keep making babies.  Since they can’t keep their paws off of each other, they’ll need to pursue birth control to time the births so that Kroy will be home. Learning the Art of the Mani-Pedi.   Nurse Kim knows very little about birth control or reproduction when [...]

The sun sets on the majestic town of Savannah, Georgia.  Darkness descends on the looming ropes of Spanish moss.  Beautiful buildings watch over the quiet city streets where a trolly full of ex-Amish ghost hunters snakes through the dark.   Guess whose idea this was?  That’s right, Gasmii.  Our resident greaseball pervert, Jeremiah.  The ghost [...]

Nick is taking Ryan to see that band that is going to invade Pat’s house, poop in his toilet, eat all of his cheese food products, and sleep with his gerbil

Sex calendars, a dog couch, and a partridge in a pear tree

And lush is the new moist.

Status quo antebellum!

Last week, Michael’s smugness and inability to cook halibut were scrubbed from Hell’s Kitchen and the ladies were asked to reach a consensus. One lady chef needed to move over to the Blue team to help even out the teams and since all the ladies wanted to prove themselves, all of them volunteered so they [...]

MasterChef Auditions….Humilations Galore…

Today on Breaking Amish we learn that these five kids have the IQ of a Cheeto, Sabrina has a gland problem that makes her cry incessantly, and Jeremiah has chlamydia. OK, so that’s all speculation, but I think I’m pretty right on.  The RV trip resumes in Savannah where over 50 years of civil rights [...]

Last week, Kim was under attack on all fronts, with the most recent attacks coming from her father.  The Italian Scallion called Kim a bad role model for having four children from three men, and called Kim a pathological liar.  He didn’t appreciate the deserved mockery of his chicken-armed, off-the-chart crazy wife.   This seksi [...]

“And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.” Eric and Baron Samedi are having dinner and the Baron says that he will be “ready” by tomorrow. Eric says that he would love to see what Baron does and Baron agrees to show him. Eric calls in his lackey boy and Baron woges in a [...]

Can Mariah curry favor with a Bangladeshi meal?

Bait and Switch is a foreign concept

The couples ‘surprise’ each other for Valentine’s Day!

Greetings, Gasmii!  We’ve made it to the finale/reunion show unscathed (barely).  The payoff has been worth the wait … please tell me you watched this trainwreck.  For those of you who missed it, the finale was a vision of stilted hilariousness we may never see again on television (since the producers-in-training who birthed this partially-live puppy of a [...]

The episode opens with a knock at Abe and Rebecca’s door.  Rebecca opens it only to cuss the person out and slam the door.  Turns out its Abe’s pervy brother you may remember from last season.  You know, the one who looks like he’s constantly thinking about naked women.  He’s been telling everyone in the [...]

“Papa Ghede is a handsome fellow in his hat and coat of black. Papa Ghede is going to the palace! He’ll ear and drink when he gets back!” This is part one of the two-part season finale and it was really good. At least good in the sense that some loose ends are being tied [...]

  Are you ready for the Scandal Season 2 Finally?  This season has been a really fun ride, and I wish I’d been here for the whole season with you, but that’s my own fault for not auditioning for the ‘gasm sooner.  AQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQqkllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll (That is a note from my cat who decided to walk across [...]

So, a lot happened this season. A tone-deaf Cuban kid with a sizable wang stuttered his way into the Top Ten. Whispers of a conspiracy theory that Idol producers were behind the elimination of anybody possessing a wang, sizable or otherwise, floated among the five of us still watching. Randy Jackson, creator of timeless phrases [...]