POSTS TAGGED: Satire

Rock Week. Maks in leather pants. That is all.

Now that Bolton’s gone, who is going to suck the most?

First week of sequins, bad dancing, and overacting. Heaven.

Acting with invisible co-stars and getting beat up by a ghost.

The ladies try to play campy, as though this entire show wasn’t campy.

Getting “real” as “Salami-gate” begins!

The girls try to portray evil. Badly.

A new batch competes for a bit part in a petty movie no one cares about.

Snapple: Celeb Apprentice Flavor

Semifinals Results: Miley Virus spreads.

Home and Garden, look out!

Making magic here at Celeb Apprentice! This week, someone leaves for “personal reasons” and the groups make commercials for rite guard. Still, the ladies and men are even because Sharon is dying and Cyndi- for most of the episode- is in Washington with president Obama. Yeah, poor Obama! Anyhoo, the dudes and ladies feel the [...]

Everything is hard. This week, our C list crew of misfits have to design an ad for Norton Antivirus theft identity protection. The girls really go for emotion, and the guys…really like words. Also, Blog is fucking incompetent, and we can’t WAIT to hear more verbal diherrhea from Cyndi Lauper. Am I right? Wohooo!

He’s ALREADY fired. This week, the two teams have to design a new marketing campaign for Kodak. Sinbad and Maria are the leaders and both have to deal with the apeshittery that is Cyndi Lauper and Rod Blag. For real, if someone doesn’t go crazy by the end of this season, I will.

Celebrity apprentice, now in weaselvision! This week, the motley assortment of tools break into groups, name themselves, have a baby that is a restaurant and one team loses. Can you guess which? Doesn’t matter- you’ll see a lot of ex-mayor Blago acting like a dipshit and Cyndi Lauper forgetting that she’s on TV.

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Gabby and Angie head on over to a studio lot in Los Angeles. I’m sorry? What’s that? They’re supposed to be in New York City? Yeah, no one’s gonna buy that, dumbass. While they’re on the Universal lot — fine, FINE: “New York City,” they run into Heidi Klum and Paulina [...]

I’ll miss you the most, gay gay gay Ben. Previously on Sexrets of Aspen (yeah right)…old bitches in hats and off the shoulder blouses. Some poor, some rich. Some ugly, some uglier. Oh, and lots of coffee beverages. How much damage can a bunch of old broads and one queen do? Well…we’ll see on the [...]

The holding room. Hope there’s enough oxygen for everyone. This week on American Idol, three rooms to begin with, but only two will REMAIN! Then, from those two, people will be systematically grilled and then executed. Kidding about the execution part. But seriously, they’ll be cut again to make the final lucky, high strung, constantly [...]

Puppies really know what team play means. Only the strong survive puppy bowl. Sure, some men like football and get drunk watching men in tight uniforms but the real heroes? Those who can endure the constant game of puppy bowlery. And yes, we have it here. So- I pose this question to you: Are you [...]

We’re a modest bunch This week on Secrets of Aspen, Laura continues to be the uberbitch that she is by stacking the deck in her favor at a CHARITY AUCTION, where women and men get to bid on and DRAMA flies! Also, gay gay gay Ben stays sexually frustrated, being the only gay man or [...]

A Hooker? Like, what does that even MEAN? This week on SECRETS OF ASPEN, the episode is ALL ABOUT how everyone thinks Brooke is a hooker, but especially the gay gay gay cast member, Ben. Star and Poor-y don’t ask Brooke to be in the charity date auction because of this reputation, and instead take [...]

The Jacksons don’t sell out, right? This week is an even larger, more heaping pile of ridiculous when the three Jacksons do what they can on their individual projects to avoid working together. Marlon tries to make a big ol resort with mechanical slaves and shit, while Jermaine pretends like he cares about Indian culture. [...]

But slacking is! The Jack5sons: to show you that Michael wasn’t the only fucked up one in the family. Also, to capitalize on their brother’s death. Yeah, it must be tough riding on the coattails of your far more talented brother’s success, boys. In this season and series premier, we see what Tito, Jermaine, Jackie [...]

I locked her in the car. I know this season was hard to get through, but we did it! We did it together! And somewhere along the way, lost some shitty characters like Bulimia, Troll and Holly. Ah well, better luck next season, bitches! This episode, Kristin says no to Justin then yes. Broahday says [...]

This week on Dancing With The Stars: we are forced to find a way to go on after the sudden departure of Meth Face and Svetlana, who were the couple kicked off last week. Now even ABC is setting me up with the crackhead jokes. I love it.

This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others’ businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 [...]

That’s my “bite your dick off” face. This week on The Hills, Kristin hones her man huntin’ by courting Brody and his plastic surgery mishap of a mother. Jayde and Kristin have a quasi-fight at the kids’ favorite hangout, Playhouse and Spencer doesn’t know about the human body, or the logistics of a vasectomy! Ooops! [...]

Cry, but do it pretty for the cameras… This week on the massive shitshow in my life that is THE HILLS, Kristin has a big ‘ol party and invites the usual gang of idiots. Justin says he’s not going to show, then does, and Kristin contemplates dating Brody…and vice versa after enduring Jayde’s gross face [...]

This Week: Zombie impressions, alcoholism and a lack of anti-frizz serum A personal triumph for me: I only puked a little today when writing this recap! I think I’m getting desensitized. Anyhoo, Kristin goes home to Laguna to make out with her Dad, while HBUD and Spence have growing concern with Holly being fucking cool [...]

For just 5 cents a day, you could take care of a Hill’s member’s costly feeding fee. This week on the hills, Brody has his 26th surprise party and I’m wasted for the occasionI Jayde gets pissed that Kristin is there, but then laughs when she gets beaned by a water balloon and by Justin [...]

We’re back again for another night of Heroes! When we left, Gretchen had just seen Claire do her signature dive out the window. Seriously, this girl has jumped out of a TON of windows. But let’s pick it right back up where we left off. Claire’s hiding out in her room when Gretchen bangs on [...]

Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie “Bulimia” Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the [...]

Four ladies, Four rings. Lots of fuckin’ tears. This week, the ladies go on individual dates and…surprise surprise…meet their parents or relatives at the date. Sounds like a TON of fun. Drama amongst the girls and Malissa’s general deviousness make for another episode of…you guessed it: tears and hate-eating.

Love can be both fat and crazy. This week on more to love, Luke takes Christian and Mandy out dancing, because he is racist. Then he takes Malissa on a tandem bike, because he is prejudiced against bikes. Then, he takes the rest of the girls to the beach because he hates the moon. Yes, [...]

I will eat you. This week on more to love, the “good wife” “bad wife” exercise basically fucks with the fragile minds of all the plus-size ladies in the house. Well, that’s all the ladies. The person who wins and loses the exercise cry a lot, go on a one-on-one date, and the rest of [...]

A necessary production cost This week on More to Love, fat-ass talons fly as the girls show their true colors on two group dates and one very bitchy solo date to vegas! Yes, there are pools involved, and also involuntary vomiting. Are you excited? I am. There’s always a second helping at the proverbial buffet [...]

Like, 200 lbs more. This week on the Series Premiere of Fox’s More to Love, Luke, a 26 year old dude is looking for a chunky lady to be his everything. And man, there is a LOT of lady to go around. These women are like, super fat and super desperate and ready to get [...]

Last week on Charm School, Marcia stressed about not being able to drink while in New Orleans, some charity work was done, Kip tried to pretend she wasn’t a bitch, and Brittanya got sent home. Yeah, basically the same thing that’s happened on every single episode of Charm School this season. This week we get [...]

This week, A Tarp guest judges. Not surprisingly, said tarp has more personality than Tyson and all the models combined. Also, when the tarp goes through the film, he finds some excess nails and a sock. Also, this tarp wants to see more variety from Jonathan. Last but not least, the tarp hooks up with [...]

This week: Salome works on a gut to match her ass Make Me A Supermodel is all about bare-assedness this week… too bad Gabe isn’t here. They do a nude photo shoot to showcase accessories and rock-hard abs, and then the models get back to their usual activity: bitching about each other. Jonathan has money [...]