The 2011 Emmy nominations were announced today, perfectly timed to coincide with the point in the summer where I’ve given up hope of anything good being on television ever again. Typically, the Emmy noms pull me out of my Awards Show withdrawal, serving as a light at the end of a sweltering tunnel full of bullshit Teens Choice Awards and MTV Movie Awards where those Twilight assholes clean house and we have to pretend like we care if Team Greasy Hair is going to kiss that pouty wench Kristen Stewart while Team No Career looks on, wishing his eyebrow ridge wasn’t so pronounced. Anyway, every year the Emmy nominations also manage to piss me the hell off by snubbing my favorites and repeatedly nominating that tubby sausage-fingered lunatic Alec Baldwin. This year is no different. But at least they threw us a bone and gave reason for Timothy Olyphant to show up somewhere in a suit.
I’ll get right to the meat and potatoes today (mmm…meat) but first, a disclaimer: I don’t watch every single show that garnered a nomination because I have a job, a family, laundry to do, cookies to eat, and I don’t get paid to sit on my computer all day. As it is, it’s a wonder my ass hasn’t turned into a tank with all the TV I do watch. So just because I refuse to sit through The Killing or Boardwalk Empire does not mean I can’t be opinionated. Trust.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin: 30 Rock
Steve Carell: The Office
Louis CK: Louie
Johnny Galecki: The Big Bang Theory
Jim Parsons: The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc: Episodes
After doing some IMDB stalking, I’ve found that Alec Baldwin has only actually won this award twice, though it seems like every time I turn around, his hairy Irish thighs are swishing their way to the podium to accept another accolade. Regardless, I’m over his ongoing presence in this category, this year specifically because it kept Danny McBride and/or Joel McHale from getting a much deserved nomination. We get it, Baldwin’s funny. I’d prefer to not be bludgeoned over the head with a winged woman holding a weird golden ball thing any longer. No gripes about anyone else because Steve Carell really should win this year and Matt LeBlanc was kind of fantastic on Episodes. Bonus points that his nomination reads: Matt LeBlanc in the role of Matt LeBlanc.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Steve Buscemi: Boardwalk Empire
Kyle Chandler: Friday Night Lights
Michael C. Hall: Dexter
Jon Hamm: Mad Men
Hugh Laurie: House
Timothy Olyphant: Justified
It has to feel good for an actor like Timothy Olyphant to finally get some kind of singular award recognition after suffering through a laundry list of mediocre movies in which he is always the bright spot. Though I’ve long been of the opinion that Michael C. Hall is overdue for an Emmy win for Dexter, or Six Feet Under for that matter, Timothy might be the first actor in three years to upset my undying support for Hall. First, because he epitomizes the role of Raylan Givens on Justified and second, I’m pretty sure I’d be compelled to take all my clothes off in his presence. I don’t watch Boardwalk Empire save for the first episode but Steve Buscemi is forever in my good graces for guest-starring on The Adventures of Pete and Pete, so I won’t kick my TV if he pulls a win.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Edie Falco: Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey: 30 Rock
Laura Linney: The Big C
Martha Plimpton: Raising Hope
Melissa McCarthy: Mike and Molly
Amy Poehler: Parks and Recreation
Over the past couple years, my fondness for Parks and Recreation has gone from that cute show that I watched sometimes to the show that I watch over and over and over because it’s truly that funny. Wanting to bang Adam Scott has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Amy Poehler manages to be hilarious, overbearing, upbeat, hard-working, and surprisingly not annoying as Leslie Knope so for that, she gets my vote for the trophy. As far as the rest of the category goes, Melissa McCarthy is second choice because she is so adorable and charming in everything and I want to be her friend so I can call her drunk on Franzia and gossip about skinny bitches in Hollywood. Poor Courteney Cox is probably never getting an Emmy nomination even though Cougar Town is the best show to come from a Friends alum in..well…ever. But she looks amazing and I’d slaughter baby koalas for her hair, so that’s got to count for something.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Kathy Bates: Harry’s Law
Connie Britton: Friday Night Lights
Mireille Enos: The Killing
Mariska Hargitay: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Julianna Margulies: The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss: Mad Men
I know this goes against the rules of general couch potatoing but in every Awards Show, there is a category where I could not care less who wins. For the 2011 Emmys, this is that red-headed stepchild. More than anything, I’m just glad that entitled pregnant bitch January Jones didn’t get nominated again. Yeah, Julianna Margulies is fine on The Good Wife. I’m sure Mariska Hargitay is worthy of her millionth nomination for that rape show but I’m done with her Baldwining this category when Katey Sagal should really be in there for Sons of Anarchy. I’ll decide who should win during the broadcast based solely on whose dress is prettiest.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Eric Stonestreet: Modern Family
Ed O’Neill: Modern Family
Jesse Tyler Ferguson: Modern Family
Ty Burrell: Modern Family
Chris Colfer: Glee
Jon Cryer: Two and a Half Men
As apathetic as I am about those strumpets in the Lead Actress Drama category, this category chaps my ass more than any of the others. Reason? The complete, total, egregious snub of Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation in favor of Jon “I haven’t been good in anything since Pretty in Pink and even then only my shoes were awesome” Cryer on that sorry excuse for a comedy Two and a Half Men. I don’t get it. That show isn’t funny. It hasn’t been funny for nine years. But seeing as According to Jim managed to run for eight seasons, funny isn’t always a prerequisite for staying on the air. Besides Nick Offerman, there are about a million other supporting actors worthy of recognition, specifically anyone from The Office, Community, the other Parks and Recreation dudes, and especially my long shot Garrett Dillahunt on Raising Hope. Since this is turning into a Jon Cryer Ruined My Life tirade, I’ll just put my eggs in Ty Burrell’s basket and hope for the best. Or anyone from Modern Family for that matter.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Andre Braugher: Men of a Certain Age
Josh Charles: The Good Wife
Alan Cumming: The Good Wife
Peter Dinklage: Game of Thrones
Walton Goggins: Justified
John Slattery: Mad Men
The part of me, and I’m not specifying which part, that loves that sexy silver fox John Slattery would like to see him walk away with the win because he’s legitimately great on Mad Men and I’ve enjoyed him in pretty much everything I’ve seen him in, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights explicitly excluded. Was I completely unrealistic by crossing my fingers for a little Donnie Wahlberg action for Blue Bloods? How about some True Blood love in the form of Alexander Skarsgard as Eric Northman or Nelsan Ellis as Lafayette? These two have made that series and I just find it odd that it gets nominated for Outstanding Series in years past by both the Emmys and Golden Globes and even for Outstanding Cast at the SAGs yet no actor from the series has managed an acting nomination at the Emmys. Looking past the fact that it’s kind of a hot mess right now, it has some wonderful multi-faceted performances going on in Eric and Lafayette. Beyond True Blood, I’ll go ahead and admit that I’d be A OK with Josh Charles marching his happy ass to the podium because I’ve wanted him to be my boyfriend ever since Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Jane Krakowski: 30 Rock
Julie Bowen: Modern Family
Sofia Vergara: Modern Family
Jane Lynch: Glee
Betty White: Hot In Cleveland
Kristen Wiig: Saturday Night Live
I don’t have any major issues with this category which is not to be confused with not giving a rat’s hairy ass who wins. I like all of these women and they all hold their own on their respective shows. I’d give Sofia Vergara or Kristen Wiig the win because Jane Lynch already has one, Betty White uses them to decorate her Christmas tree, and I prefer brunettes to blondes. Well, Kristen Wiig is kind of in between but whatever. Anyone who does a full body impression of Jon Hamm’s penis is cool in my book.
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Margo Martindale: Justified
Archie Panjabi: The Good Wife
Kelly Macdonald: Boardwalk Empire
Christina Hendricks: Mad Men
Michelle Forbes: The Killing
Christine Baranski: The Good Wife
See Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for how I will be determining my choice for winner. Margo Martindale gets the edge for being so nice to Dexter way back when and because Timothy Olyphant is going to need someone to celebrate with.
Outstanding Comedy Series
Parks and Recreation
The Big Bang Theory
This category is like picking between a KitKat, Three Muskateers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, M&M’s, and a Milky Way with the Milky Way getting the win for having caramel. Obviously I haven’t eaten lunch yet and even more blatantly obvious, Glee is the M&M’s of this category. While pleasant enough in a low blood sugar pinch, it doesn’t satisfy the same way a hearty dose of melted nougat, chocolate, and caramel would. The coveted Milky Way today is Parks and Recreation. While the close second and almost as delicious Peanut Butter Cup Modern Family made me spit out many a Diet Pepsi this season, specifically the episode “The Musical Man,” it just didn’t quite hit me the way all those maniacs in Pawnee, Indiana do. And it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that I want to bang Adam Scott.
Outstanding Drama Series
Friday Night Lights
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife
Apparently I’m the only one that thought Justified, Sons of Anarchy, or hell, even Blue Bloods was worthy of this category. Since none of those panned out, and I blame Selleck’s mustache, I’m going for Dexter long shot. It was more deserving of this award last season, or what I fondly refer to as “The Year I Can’t Unsee John Lithgow’s Ass” but maybe they’ll get it right this year?
Outstanding Miniseries or Made For Television Movie
Too Big To Fail
The Pillars of the Earth
I’m going to be honest. The closest I came to watching anything in this category was when I say through an hour of The Kennedys and decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Bear in mind I have about six Kennedy biographies on my book shelf so it’s not as though I wasn’t interested in the topic matter. It’s just that Katie “Call me Kate, my weird husband does” Holmes was that bad. As far as the other nominees go, I can just picture the team over at Starz network: “Did you all fucking hear about those HBO fucks, fucking Winslet, and their fucking Mildred Pierce bullshit? FUCK.” Poor guys. So, for being the network behind Party Down, may The Pillars of the Earth reign victorious.
On the topic of TV movies and miniseries, since I didn’t watch any of them, I’m not going to break down the acting categories. However, I will say that I’m whole-heartedly opposed to Winslet winning an Emmy for Mildred Pierce because to me and my suspicious mind, the whole thing seems like a really calculated move to set Winslet up for a GOTE (Grammy, Oscar, Tony, Emmy) attempt. Bitch hasn’t been on a TV series as an actress in almost twenty years. Think about it.
Also worth pointing out in this series of categories is the fact that Greg Kinnear, Barry Pepper, and Tom Wilkinson all received acting nods for The Kennedys. You know who didn’t? Katie “No really, it’s Kate” Holmes. I was never blown away by the girl as an actress but it has to suck for anyone when it looks like the voting Academy is actively singling her out for being terrible, not with words but with overt separation from her male co-stars.
Outstanding Reality Competition Program
The Amazing Race
So You Think You Can Dance
Dancing With The Stars
The Amazing Race of Top Chef should easily win this because 1. I never made the jump over to Lifetime for Project Runway 2. Cannot deal with how much of my time American Idol wastes and 3. Dancing with the Stars plays a little too fast and loose with the word “star” for my liking. I’ve thought for quite some time that So You Think You Can Dance is overrated (don’t beat me) as it was unable to hold my attention for more than a season, this coming from a girl who still longs for the reality days of Paradise Hotel.
Outstanding Reality Program
Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D List
Antiques Road Show
Aside from the fact that I strongly feel Toddlers and Tiaras should be nominated in this category, I don’t want Hoarders to win because of my uncontrollable desire to punch every person featured on that show in the face for being so selfish albeit crazy. It also makes me feel itchy in my own, decidedly non-cluttered home. I’ve always liked Kathy Griffin and can appreciate her unabashed campaigning for awards when everyone else gives us the whole “It’s just an honor to be nominated” horse shit, so girlfriend can have it.
Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality Competition Program
Phil Keoghan: The Amazing Race
Tom Bergeron: Dancing With The Stars
Cat Deeley: So You Think You Can Dance
Ryan Seacreat: American Idol
Jeff Probst: Survivor
Seacrest and Probst can suck it. Any of the other three will do.
Guest Acting Categories
I’ve always felt these categories were kind of a manipulation of sorts to draw bigger names to the Emmys that might not normally attend but at the same time, it has awarded several deserving folks who might not other win, ever (Christina Applegate, Neil Patrick Harris, et al). With that, if Gwyneth Paltrow walks away with an Emmy for her trying too hard to be cool and relevant Winslet GOTE move on Glee, I will fly to Los Angeles, or England, or New York City, or wherever the hell she lives and leave a flaming bag of poo at her door. I say this from the bottom of my heart and with complete, utter sincerity: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, STOP FUCKING SINGING.
Well, that there will do it. If I didn’t cover a category, it’s because I either forgot, didn’t watch, or didn’t care. The Emmys will air on September 18th which gives me just over two months to continue sitting on my couch eating Oreos.