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An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan
Watercooler
Sitting in the movie theater in 2004, watching the hilarious Mean Girls (your last “good” movie. Seven years ago. Seven.), I never thought that Amanda Seyfried and Rachel McAdams would be the ones to have the kind of lasting career to which you aspired. You followed up Mean Girls with projects like Just My Luck, Georgia Rule, and, I guess . . . whiskey. And cocaine. And, you know, JAIL. It had to hurt watching Amanda and Rachel in films like Mamma Mia, Chloe, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and Sherlock Holmes, knowing that maybe, if things were better, if your life was more together, it could have been you up there. Hell, even Letters to Juliet and Morning Glory would have been acceptable. And those movies pretty much sucked . . . But not the I Know Who Killed Me type of suckage, mind you. That wound may never heal.
I used to know you as the fresh-faced girl, the one whose life seemed a perpetual Noxzema commercial — all smiles and freckles and genuine tans and Teen Choice Awards. I used to know you as a rising star, one whom Roger Ebert even compared to Jodie Foster. Now, I see you standing next to Victoria Gotti and it honestly takes me a second to figure out which one’s Victoria and which one’s Lindsay. The years of hard drinking and drugs and jail and mountains of stress have not been kind to you. This is not a good thing, LiLo. But my disappointment isn’t about your physical appearance, not really. No, to be perfectly honest, I feel betrayed, because you’re not the person you were supposed to be. You’re no longer the fresh-faced talented girl who works hard because she enjoys it. You’re no longer the put-together girl whom other girls can look up to. You’re no longer one of the brightest upcoming stars Hollywood has to offer. You have become, to be perfectly frank, a punchline.
This is not what we had in mind for The Parent Trap sequel.
Look, it’s not as if I haven’t given you a fair shake. I have. For what seems like forever. While people commented on your apparent lack of morality and judgment, your numerous run ins with the law, and — let’s face it — your apparent inability to accept any sort of responsibility for your actions whatsoever, I said, “You guys, she’s young. And she’s actually talented. Her parents suck. Just give her some time and she’ll bounce back. I have faith in Lindsay.” I sat with bated breath while I read the gossip columns, hearing about your various new film projects — I really wasn’t into your leggings idea, so let’s just skip that — thinking to myself, “Okay. Okay. She’ll be in this independent movie, it’ll be a nice jump-start to the rest of her career, and she can put all this unpleasantness behind her.” Then another controversy would flare up, or you’d be charged (again) with a crime, and you would no longer be involved with the project. I’ve been in defense of you since 2006, LiLo, and I just can’t do it anymore. No matter how morally bankrupt your parents are, no matter how much of a hard life you’ve had, it is ultimately your decision to suck out the poison and spit it out. It is your responsibility to accept your own actions and change them. But I just don’t think you’re really into that. I can’t defend someone who doesn’t seem to want to change. So, I’m out. Game over, man. Game over.
Here’s what I suggest: When you finally, finally get your shit together, drop out of the spotlight for awhile. Maybe even move abroad to one of the Nordic countries that no one really knows anything about. Instead of insisting that all you want to do is get back to work, take some active time off. Take some English lit. classes. Write some poetry. Learn to play the piano and/or guitar. Then, in a couple years, just when everyone is starting to ask, “Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan?” you can star in some indie film that blows everyone away. Because I honestly think you have the power and ability to do that. For now, I’ll hitch my wagon to Emma Stone, an immensely talented, lovely girl who is the epitome of everything you should have been. My very dear friend Sarah — who, like me, has been one of your staunchest defenders — recently gave me the following advice: “She’s hurt us enough. It’s time to disengage.” And that is exactly what I intend to do.
Sincerely yours,
Hypnotoad
TTYL, Linds. I hardly knew ye.
18 Comments
Heart you Hypnotoad. Couldn’t have said it better myself!
PS is PPL EVER coming back???? I miss your musings on stuff I know about (I haven’t watched DH in roughly 100 gajillion years. Wah-wah)
Thank you! (FYI peeps — it’s a 2 page letter. I tried to get it on one page, but it wouldn’t work.) I’m just so over defending her based on her past and not her present.
And Pretty Little Liars comes back in June! Cupcakes ahoy!
Uh, I gave up on her a couple of years ago. What took you so long?
I still give her some leeway because of her fucked up parents–especially Michael making public every situation the family faces.
Don’t forget Rachel McAdams was also in the award winning and wonderful t.v. series Slings & Arrows.
Rachel McAdams has been in my good graces since her and Ryan Gosling decided to bone in real life for a few years. Anyone good enough for him is good enough for me. Plus, she’s awesome. Lindsay on the other hand spent her time dating Wilmer Valderrama and Aaron Carter. Just saying.
I don’t usually give people the “my parents were bad people” excuse. I know people who had REALLY messed up childhoods — horrible physical abuse, etc. — and these people are nice members of society who have never been arrested for drunk driving, never done drugs, and never stole merchandise (and this is the second time this has happened to Linds — fur coat, anyone?). I don’t know why I was willing to give Lindsay the benefit of the doubt because of her wacky parents, but it’s no longer a valid excuse for her. SHE needs to disengage from both her parents and call it a day.
I don’t think Lindsay Lohan was ever really that talented. Sure, she was better than most of her counterparts (I’M TALKING TO YOU, DUFF) but nothing extraordinary. I think Rachel McAdams blows her out of the water.
Also, thiajok, I am SO happy to hear that you also love Slings and Arrows! It’s such a fantastic show and it’s the best thing Canadian TV has ever produced. (Growing up with Canadian television was awful, it’s almost all complete schlock. S & A was a real refresher.) Hypnotoad, you should get your hands on a copy and watch it, it’s brilliant. It will change your mind about Rachel McAdams.
@georgiababe… I actually agree with you. I think Lindsay peaked with Mean Girls. I always thought she was sort of stiff. I never understood why people think she’s so tragic. She’s another story of a messed up child actor, IMO. I also have stopped giving her the parents excuse. She makes enough money and has enough freedom (i.e. some people can’t AFFORD to get away from their awful parents) that she can separate herself from them if she tried hard enough. She makes BAD DECISIONS and since when do we continuously give people excuses for making bad choices. When I was a kid there were some things that definitely weren’t my fault but when i make mistakes based on POOR decision making there is no one to blame. She should do the opposite of everything her instinct tells her to. I’m sorry but I stopped feeling sorry for her a long time ago.
*softly sings It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday*
P.S. I am obsessed with Rachel McAdams.
I wonder if she’ll actually come through on the Gotti project. Girl’s just fucked up enough to, well, fuck this gig up for herself.
She got a standing O at the Tonight Show!
TC, Robin
I read that, Robinez! And I’m kind of wondering why. What’s she done lately that deserves a standing ovation? That’s ridiculous.
Darn! Sorry, I forgot the cite. It is a pet peave of mine when folks just cc+p and not cite..and then I do it..
I think it is because Jennifer Hudson was screaming at me on my TV again. She startles me. lol
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110426/ap_en_tv/us_tv_lohan_leno
TC, Robin
Amy — Yeah, I highly doubt she’ll end up in the Gotti movie.
I Know! Hell, If Drew didn’t get one for her tit shot, then Lindsey certainly doesn’t deserve one! lol
Take care, Robin
Ha ha ha! Totally!
I totally agree with the Emma Stone thing! She seems like what we all thought Linds would grow up to be!
I adore Emma Stone. Easy A is one of the best teen comedies ever. I think it’s better than Mean Girls, and I think Emma Stone is a better actress than LiLo. I’m excited to see her dramatic side in The Help.