By WaffleBoy | Monday, August 27, 2012 | 8:00 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

(Hi there Gasmi, there’s no denying it, the season is upon us. I mean I don’t know what you feel as you sit with your G-D shirt sticking to your back as you swelter in your living room, because it turns out that buying an air conditioner at the flea market is an incredibly bad idea, but to me it feels like love. Well that, and I was stumped for an idea for this week’s post. Anyway, sit back as Dear TvGasm gives advice to all of our romantically involved celebrities out there.)

 

Am I the only one who thinks that Justin Theroux has male chola brows? 

 

Dear TvGasm, Oh my God, he proposed, can you believe it? I’m so happy! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Signed, You Loved Me On Friends, So Why Not In Management?

 

Dear Jennifer Aniston, AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Oh my God! This is so great! Wonderful!! It’s always so romantic when somebody gets engaged for the second time.

My what a crazy ride it’s been. Just for fun, lets take a look at how we got to this magical place.

Okay, in May of 1998 you married Brad Pitt. Now for some of our younger readers out there this might not seem like big of a deal, because 2012 Brad Pitt sometimes wanders around in public looking like this

 

However, in 1998, Brad Pitt looked like this

 

Yeah, there’s a big difference, huh? Boy. Howdy. Anyway, for the world of 1998 marrying Brad Pitt was like winning the Super Bowl of Marriage. I mean if you were packing a uterus, and into the whole being with somebody with a penis scene, he was as good as you were going to get. At least in a your-marriage-pool-is-only-guys-who-are-in-People-magazine sort of way.

So you got the world’s dreamiest husband. Which was really something considering that before Brad Pitt you were dating guys like Adam Duritz, the front man for Counting Crows, who looked like this

 

And you ended up with a guy who looked like this

 

I can’t stress this enough, you went from this

 

To this

 

Well played girlfriend. Well played indeed.

So, everything putters along just fine, because why wouldn’t everything be just fine for two very attractive wealthy people? Everything is great right up to 2005 when Brad leaves you.

What? Where? Who? Yeah, I know, that was totally out of the blue. Well, sort of. Now here is the thing, there was a rumor that Brad was ready to start a family right around then, but you wanted to wait until you became a big movie star, and maybe Brad took a look at the movies you had done since getting married, like Rock Star, The Good Girl, and Along Came Polly, and maybe, just maybe, Brad started to get the feeling that he might not be changing the pampers on his first born until you two were living in The Floating City of New Chicago.

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I would take Adam Duritz over Brad Pitt any day, and that includes 1998 Brad Pitt with his Abs o’Steel and Clean-Shaven Face of Glory. So fuck you, Waffleboy. Our love is dead. Dead, I tell you!

  2. 2
    msjacqmills
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:24 am

    This was hilarious! Thank you, Waffleboy!

  3. 3
    NotWithoutMyTV NotwithoutmyTV
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Good stuff, Waffle boy. Write on!

  4. 4
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I have an irrational love for Adam Duritz. Always have, always will.

    Do I have to fight you for him SuburBint?

  5. 5
    Val Detinha
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:46 am

    That was funny! It’s great to make fun of rich people and Teresa! :)

  6. 6
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:52 am

    @ mere2142 — I think we can agree that whoever gets to him first gets to keep him. Assuming he agrees, of course. Which (in my case at least) he will, I bought a love spell on eBay before they outlawed such things, and I’m sure all of the chanting will pay off if I just keep at it. Really cuts into my free time, though.

  7. 7
    Fan-ann
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    “If you leave your dog under the porch long enough you can’t be too surprised when he comes out looking to get petted.”

    That is pure poetic romance, and you probably stole that line from one of Byron’s more obscure works. Or as my husband who is about half cowboy says “It doesn’t matter how beautiful that bull pasture is, if they aren’t put with the herd regularly it might as well be a Turkish prison.” Then he takes me to the Dairy Queen and treats me to a dip cone. *sigh*

  8. 8
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    @SuburBint – So it was you that outbid me on that spell? And all these years I’ve been trying to seduce him with hair products!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    @Everybody, I’m just wondering why Angelina thinks that the Bradster is a step UP from BillyBobBaby.

    Oh, and @SuperB and @Mere2142, um, didn’t Adam tell you, um, you know, like about us and stuff?

    Oopsies.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    I’ll take 1998 Brad and Adam. Who says you can’t have it all?

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    @ mere2142 — Yes, but if you weren’t using the hair products from dreadheadhq, your efforts were all in vain.

    Not that I know that he shops there. I’m not stalking him or anything. No need to call the FBI.

    @ SSC — Nonsense! Hubbycat would send him packing in a heartbeat!

    @ Gypsy — It really chaps my ass that you would be so selfish with the menfolk. Sharing is caring, you know!

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Lolz! I know that is pretty selfish of me huh? Well can we split weekends so when you have Adam, I have 1998 Brad?

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    @SupurB, a kitty can dream, can’t she?

    Like how you worked the (stolen) “chaps my ass” comment in,

    smeeeeooooooth.

  14. 14
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    If I get my hands on Adam, there will be no sharing – though I may shave his head :-)

  15. 15
    labowner
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Are you sure none of you have dated Adam already as he seems to be a serial dater?

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    @mere2142, I would love to watch you shave those dreds. I believe that hedge trimmers would be more useful than barber implements.

    I’ll hold him down. Hey, what are friends for?

  17. 17
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    @labowner – I think I’m 15 years too old for him – he tends to date girls who just earned the right to drink legally! I don’t know if he’s dated anyone since he and Emmy Rossum broke up.

    @SSC – Thanks for helping out! I think those things need to go in the Smithsonian.

  18. 18
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    If ANYBODY touches Adam’s dreads, I will hunt them down and make them pay. And I’ve watched a looooot of horror movies, so I have torture ideas for days. Leave. The. Dreads. Alone.

    Bitches.

    <3,

    SuburBint
    XOXOXO

  19. 19
    brzysmom12
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 12:48 am

    Since no one staked a claim yet I will step up to the plate and force myself to take Brad pre-1998. thankyouverymuch. No shame here.

    Waffleboy – just awesome. Nuff said

  20. 20
    WaffleBoy
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Hi guys, on the whole Adam Duritz vs. Brad Pitt thing, I just want to make everyone aware of a personality disorder I suffer from. For the record, I am , really, really, REALLY, really, really shallow. And going by who she got married to, so was Jennifer Aniston.

    Oh, and if you think Adam Duritz is the bee’s knees, then you’ll love this guy
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2R2iUYgJWzM/TjeEvOWaS3I/AAAAAAAAAnY/bvDftIwDgY4/s1600/Sideshow-Bob.gif

    Thanks everyone for reading, and thanks for all the comments

  21. 21
    mere2142
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 8:21 am

    @SuburBint – you know they are fake, right? :-)

    @ WaffleBoy – I bet you never expected us to come to Adam’s defense. No worries – I have been called shallow on many occasions and I wear it proudly!

  22. 22
    Robin Robin
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 2:00 am

    “as my husband who is about half cowboy says “It doesn’t matter how beautiful that bull pasture is, if they aren’t put with the herd regularly it might as well be a Turkish prison.” Then he takes me to the Dairy Queen and treats me to a dip cone. *sigh*”

    If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what is..

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