By WaffleBoy | Monday, August 27, 2012 | 8:00 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Dear TVgasm, Watercooler

Not that it should have mattered. I mean where would Brad Pitt find somebody hotter then you, Jennifer Aniston?

Enter Angelina Jolie, stage left. Yeah, you sent your baby fever suffering husband off to spend time with somebody who looked like this

 

Oh, and did I mention, that Angelina was itching to start a family then too? So basically what you did was left your husband who was looking to start a family alone for five months with a woman who not only was also looking to have kids, but who looked like what hot sex looks like when it goes out on a Saturday night.

Look Jennifer Aniston, Dear TvGasm does not endorse cheating, infidelity, wandering penis disease, or anything else you want to call it, but damn girl; if you leave your dog under the porch long enough you can’t be too surprised when he comes out looking to get petted. 

Anyway, Brad left you, and you were sad, and that made us so sad we actually bought tickets to He’s Just Not That Into You to try to cheer you up. 

It was a long hard time waiting for you to find the right guy. First there was Vince Vaughn. Does he smell like spilled scotch and stale tortilla chips? Sorry, that’s prying, never mind. And then you went out with John Mayer for awhile, because when women celebrities are having a mid-life crisis they can’t date strippers. (That’s sexist, and it’s wrong!) And then it seemed like you were dating just about every guy you were in a movie with, but most of that news came from US Magazine, and I’m not saying that it’s written by chimps, just that it seems like a monkey on Ritalin is the Managing Editor. 

The good news is you met somebody, Justin Theroux. Wow, it looks like he’s talented, acts, writes, and directs. He sounds like a keeper. How did you two crazy kids meet? You were working on a movie together? Cool! What? Then he broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years so you two could start your relationship? Hmmm…My….Isn’t that ironic.

Anyway, AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! You’re getting married!!!!!!

 

 

Dear TvGasm, Christ, did she finally land a man? What the hell did she use, a dart gun? My God, Brad and I might have to actually get married now. I mean we just told the kids we were getting married to keep them quiet. You know, like telling them about Santa, or that their nanny is actually part of the family. Where the hell am I going to get three ring bearer suits and three flower girl dresses on short notice?

Signed, You Want To Talk About Trading Up? I Was Married To This Joker

 

 

Dear Angelina Jolie, AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! You’re getting married!!!!!!!!!!!  Congratulations!!!!!! I’m not going to get you anything because you’re rich enough to buy your own damn gravy boat. But still, AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

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About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I would take Adam Duritz over Brad Pitt any day, and that includes 1998 Brad Pitt with his Abs o’Steel and Clean-Shaven Face of Glory. So fuck you, Waffleboy. Our love is dead. Dead, I tell you!

  2. 2
    msjacqmills
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 8:24 am

    This was hilarious! Thank you, Waffleboy!

  3. 3
    NotWithoutMyTV NotwithoutmyTV
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Good stuff, Waffle boy. Write on!

  4. 4
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I have an irrational love for Adam Duritz. Always have, always will.

    Do I have to fight you for him SuburBint?

  5. 5
    Val Detinha
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:46 am

    That was funny! It’s great to make fun of rich people and Teresa! :)

  6. 6
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 11:52 am

    @ mere2142 — I think we can agree that whoever gets to him first gets to keep him. Assuming he agrees, of course. Which (in my case at least) he will, I bought a love spell on eBay before they outlawed such things, and I’m sure all of the chanting will pay off if I just keep at it. Really cuts into my free time, though.

  7. 7
    Fan-ann
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    “If you leave your dog under the porch long enough you can’t be too surprised when he comes out looking to get petted.”

    That is pure poetic romance, and you probably stole that line from one of Byron’s more obscure works. Or as my husband who is about half cowboy says “It doesn’t matter how beautiful that bull pasture is, if they aren’t put with the herd regularly it might as well be a Turkish prison.” Then he takes me to the Dairy Queen and treats me to a dip cone. *sigh*

  8. 8
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    @SuburBint – So it was you that outbid me on that spell? And all these years I’ve been trying to seduce him with hair products!

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    @Everybody, I’m just wondering why Angelina thinks that the Bradster is a step UP from BillyBobBaby.

    Oh, and @SuperB and @Mere2142, um, didn’t Adam tell you, um, you know, like about us and stuff?

    Oopsies.

  10. 10
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    I’ll take 1998 Brad and Adam. Who says you can’t have it all?

  11. 11
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    @ mere2142 — Yes, but if you weren’t using the hair products from dreadheadhq, your efforts were all in vain.

    Not that I know that he shops there. I’m not stalking him or anything. No need to call the FBI.

    @ SSC — Nonsense! Hubbycat would send him packing in a heartbeat!

    @ Gypsy — It really chaps my ass that you would be so selfish with the menfolk. Sharing is caring, you know!

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Lolz! I know that is pretty selfish of me huh? Well can we split weekends so when you have Adam, I have 1998 Brad?

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    @SupurB, a kitty can dream, can’t she?

    Like how you worked the (stolen) “chaps my ass” comment in,

    smeeeeooooooth.

  14. 14
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    If I get my hands on Adam, there will be no sharing – though I may shave his head :-)

  15. 15
    labowner
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    Are you sure none of you have dated Adam already as he seems to be a serial dater?

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    @mere2142, I would love to watch you shave those dreds. I believe that hedge trimmers would be more useful than barber implements.

    I’ll hold him down. Hey, what are friends for?

  17. 17
    mere2142
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    @labowner – I think I’m 15 years too old for him – he tends to date girls who just earned the right to drink legally! I don’t know if he’s dated anyone since he and Emmy Rossum broke up.

    @SSC – Thanks for helping out! I think those things need to go in the Smithsonian.

  18. 18
    SuburBint
    Posted August 27, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    If ANYBODY touches Adam’s dreads, I will hunt them down and make them pay. And I’ve watched a looooot of horror movies, so I have torture ideas for days. Leave. The. Dreads. Alone.

    Bitches.

    <3,

    SuburBint
    XOXOXO

  19. 19
    brzysmom12
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 12:48 am

    Since no one staked a claim yet I will step up to the plate and force myself to take Brad pre-1998. thankyouverymuch. No shame here.

    Waffleboy – just awesome. Nuff said

  20. 20
    WaffleBoy
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Hi guys, on the whole Adam Duritz vs. Brad Pitt thing, I just want to make everyone aware of a personality disorder I suffer from. For the record, I am , really, really, REALLY, really, really shallow. And going by who she got married to, so was Jennifer Aniston.

    Oh, and if you think Adam Duritz is the bee’s knees, then you’ll love this guy
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2R2iUYgJWzM/TjeEvOWaS3I/AAAAAAAAAnY/bvDftIwDgY4/s1600/Sideshow-Bob.gif

    Thanks everyone for reading, and thanks for all the comments

  21. 21
    mere2142
    Posted August 28, 2012 at 8:21 am

    @SuburBint – you know they are fake, right? :-)

    @ WaffleBoy – I bet you never expected us to come to Adam’s defense. No worries – I have been called shallow on many occasions and I wear it proudly!

  22. 22
    Robin Robin
    Posted August 29, 2012 at 2:00 am

    “as my husband who is about half cowboy says “It doesn’t matter how beautiful that bull pasture is, if they aren’t put with the herd regularly it might as well be a Turkish prison.” Then he takes me to the Dairy Queen and treats me to a dip cone. *sigh*”

    If that ain’t love, then I don’t know what is..

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